Operations

	Stephen and Hugh are sitting on stools.


Stephen		So, Hugh, I believe you've found something of
		interest in one of your magazines.

Hugh		That's right, Stephen. It's a brochure for the
		Collingwood Hospital.

Stephen		That's a private hospital, isn't it, Hugh.

Hugh		That's right, Stephen. Important point.

Stephen		And it's in London, England, if I remember serves
		me correctly.

Hugh		That's precisely where it is, Stephen, yes. What
		excited me, however, as I was looking through this
		brochure was not where the hospital is, but the
		services it offers.

Stephen		Medical services, I presume.

Hugh		They do limit themselves by and large to the
		provision of medical services, Stephen, yes, I dare
		say they're keen to consolidate in that area before
		moving out into other leisure activities.

Stephen		That must be sound business practice, in
		anyone's book?

Hugh		That's right. But anyway, this brochure ...

Stephen		Ha. I'd almost forgotten.

Hugh		Well that would have been a shame, Stephen,
		because this brochure contains a full list of the
		Collingwood Hospital services, and it includes a
		complete section on the kinds of operations you
		can have, if you're ever down that way.

Stephen		Would you care to read some of them out, Hugh?

Hugh		Of course, Stephen. Just glancing down the page,
		I find everything from appendectomy to bone
		marrow replacement, from organ transplants to
		heart surgery.

Stephen		So, no shortage of choice then, Hugh?

Hugh		That's right. There's something there for
		everyone. It really is a mouthwatering selection.

Stephen		When are they open?

Hugh		Well this is one of the great things about
		the Collingwood. They're open twenty-four
		hours a day.

Stephen		Weekends?

Hugh		Weekends and Bank Holidays.

Stephen		So the Collingwood Hospital might be a good
		place to take the family?

Hugh		Absolutely, Stephen. There are plenty of
		operations that are specially tailored for children.
		For example, having their legs straightened.
		Mums everywhere I'm sure would love to go for
		one of their hip replacements, and for Dad ...
		well how about some of that heart surgery we
		mentioned earlier?

Stephen		That sounds like a heck of a weekend. But Hugh?

Hugh		Yes?

Stephen		We haven't mentioned prices.

Hugh		Of course. Prices vary, Stephen, according to the
		operation you choose ...

Stephen		I'd imagine they would.

Hugh		Well they do. Basically they start at around four
		thousand pounds for a tonsilectomy ...

Stephen		Right.

Hugh		... and can go up to as much as sixty thousand
		for an eight hour operation on the brain.

Stephen		So, really, whatever your financial status, there's
		something at the Collingwood Hospital for you.

Hugh		That's right. There is one proviso I'd add to that.

Stephen		Oh?

Hugh		You should have quite a lot of money.

Stephen		Good point. Whatever your financial status, as long
		as you've got a lot of money.

Hugh		That's it.

Stephen		And if you haven't? Or if you want to save money?

Hugh		Well, my advice would always be ... get yourself
		a stout pair of walking shoes and get out into the
		beautiful countryside.

Stephen		Thanks, Hugh. Plenty of choices there.

Hugh		I killed her because she said she
		wanted to marry Noel Edmonds.
		Until then, she really had been a
		model daughter.