Sound Name

	Stephen is a police sergeant, writing down the 
	particulars of an arrest at the station counter. Hugh is 
	on the other side, looking sheepish.


Stephen		And the vehicle belongs to you, does it sir?

Hugh		Yes.

Stephen		And your name is?

Hugh		Right. Hold on a second. (Hugh gets a lighter out of 
		his pocket) Ready?

Stephen		Yes.

Hugh		My name is Derek ... (Hugh drops the lighter onto 
		the counter)

Stephen		What are you doing?

Hugh		That's my name.

Stephen		What is?

Hugh		This. Derek ... (Hugh drops the lighter again)

Stephen		That's your name?

Hugh		Yes.

Stephen		What? Derek (Stephen drops the lighter) ... is
		your name?

Hugh		Yes.

Stephen		What kind of name is that?

Hugh		Well it's my name.

Stephen		Unusual, isn't it, Mr ... (Drops lighter)?

Hugh		If I had a pound for every time someone's said
		that ...

Stephen		And how do spell ... (Drops lighter), Mr ...
		(Drops lighter)?

Hugh		It's as it sounds.

Stephen		Uhuh. Yeah but I wonder if you'd mind actually
		spelling it for me, would you?

Hugh		Well I mean, can't you just ...

Stephen		I'd be very grateful. If you wouldn't mind.

Hugh		N-I-P-P-L hyphen E.

Stephen		Nipple.

Hugh		I beg your pardon?

Stephen		Nipple.

Hugh		Nipple? Where? What are you talking about?

Stephen		N-I-P-P-L-E ...

Hugh		Hyphen E.

Stephen		Hyphen E ... spells Nipple. In my book. It does
		not spell ... (Drops lighter).

Hugh		Have you gone mad? What's the matter with you? I
		thought the modern policeman was supposed to be
		a highly trained law enforcement unit. You can't
		even spell.

Stephen		Alright, Mr Nipple, address?

	Hugh looks around.

		What's your address?

Hugh		Are you talking to me?

Stephen		Yes.

Hugh		You want to know my address?

Stephen		Please.

Hugh		Or do you want to know Mr Nipple's address,
		whoever he is?

Stephen		Your address please, sir.

Hugh		Alright. My address is Number twenty-two ...
		(Hugh tapdances, slaps Stephen) ... Kings Lynn.


Stephen		Now watch it.

Hugh		What?

Stephen		Just watch it.

Hugh		Watch what, for heaven's sake?

Stephen		You do realise, do you, that assaulting a police
		officer is an extremely serious offence?

Hugh		Yes, I imagine it probably is. Very serious. But
		telling a police officer your address, on the other
		hand, is probably not very serious, is it? Or is it?
		Perhaps the law's changed since I last looked.
		Perhaps the Home Secretary has had to take
		stern measures against the rising tide of people
		giving their address to policemen whenever they're
		asked to.

Stephen		Alright. Alright. My fault. Ask a stupid person and
		you get a stupid answer.

Hugh		I beg your pardon?

Stephen		So, can I just check this with you, Mr ... (Drops 
		lighter) ... ?

Hugh		What?

Stephen		Just to make sure I've got this right. Your address
		is ... number twenty-two ... (Tapdances, punches 
		Hugh) ... Kings Lynn?

Hugh		No, no, no! What's the matter with you? Are
		you deaf? It's ... (Tapdances, slaps Stephen) ...
		Kings Lynn.

Stephen		Oh I'm sorry. I though you said ... (Tapdances,
		punches Hugh) ... Kings Lynn.

Hugh		Well I didn't.

Stephen		My apologies sir. I can't read my own writing.

Hugh		Well get a typewriter.

Stephen		If only we could afford it. Actually, at some
		angles, this almost looks like ... twenty-two
		... (Tapdances, hits Hugh with a cricket bat) ...
		Kings Lynn.

Hugh		That was too hard.

Stephen		Oh I'm sorry sir. You're right. We really should
		get a typewriter.

Hugh		That was too hard.

Stephen		Well sir, you must admit that it's an unusual
		address for anyone to get the hang of ...

Hugh		Never mind the fucking sketch! That was too hard.
		That really hurt.

Stephen		Oh diddums. Did the nasty actor hit the poor little
		twerp ...

Hugh		Fuck off.

	Hugh exits.

Stephen		(To camera) He's just a child really.

Stephen		Until you've been there, you
		don't really have any idea
		what it's like - I shouldn't
		think. I'm not sure, I've never
		been there.