Christening

	Mother (Deborah Norton) and father (Hugh) standing
	at font with baby. Stephen is the vicar. Hugh is very
	much the modern thrusting executive.


Stephen		I baptise thee Rupert Jeremy James -

Hugh		No, hold on a minute.

Stephen		What is it?

Hugh		You're right darling, Nicholas is better. Nicholas
		Thomas Geoffrey.

Stephen		Nicholas Thomas Geoffrey.

Deborah		You can't have Nicholas Thomas: that's a very
		ugly rhyme.

Hugh		You're right. What was the other one we liked?

Deborah		Timothy Nicholas Peter.

Hugh		No, Nicholas Timothy Peter.

Stephen		(Dipping finger in water) OK. Nicholas Timothy
		Peter?

Deborah		Yes.

Hugh		It's a shame to lose Jeremy though, isn't it?

Deborah		I still like Duncan.

Hugh		Duncan Jeremy Nicholas or Nicholas Jeremy
		Duncan?

Stephen		Look. I have got a wedding in ten minutes.

Hugh		You're being paid aren't you?

Stephen		(Puzzled) No ...

Hugh		Nick's idea was Peregrine.

Deborah		Oh darling, you can't call a baby Peregrine.

Stephen		So, Peregrine Jeremy Duncan ...

Deborah		I know it sounds silly but I've always loved Dick.

Stephen		Erm ...

Hugh		Now Dirk's due for a revival.

Deborah		Duncan Dirk Dick.

Hugh		Rather fetching.

Stephen		Duncan Dirk Dick, I baptise thee in the name
		of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy
		Ghost, Amen. We receive this child into the
		congregation of Christ's flock and so sign him
		with the sign of the cross (Signs with finger on 
		forehead) and in token that hereafter he shall not
		be ashamed to confess the faith of Christ crucified
		and manfully to fight under his banner against
		sin, the world and the devil, and to continue
		Christ's faithful soldier and servant unto his life's
		end. Amen.

Hugh		No it's still not right ... I don't know ... hold
		on, what about Tweeble?

Deborah		Oh darling ...

Hugh		Well it's our nickname for the little blighter
		anyway, so why not?

Deborah		Tweeble Timothy James, I like it.

Hugh		Yeah, Tweeble Timothy James.

Stephen		I'm sorry, it's Duncan Dirk Dick, I've just
		done it.

Hugh		Well, undo it.

Stephen		Undo it?

Hugh		Yes.

Stephen		This is a Holy Sacrament of the Church, not a
		bleeding hotel reservation, you can't just undo it.

Hugh		You're beginning to annoy me, buster. Look at
		this card. (Holds up white card) What does it say?

Stephen		"Christening service".

Hugh		Yes. Service, notice - not rudeness. It doesn't say
		"Christening rudeness".

Stephen		I wasn't being rude.

Hugh		Just bear in mind that there are plenty of other
		religions you know. Some of them, I may say,
		offering much greater range and value.

Deborah		Not to mention carpets. Look at this.

Hugh		So come on. Hand him over.

Stephen		What?

Hugh		Hand him over. We'll take a look at the Mosque
		on Arlington Road, if it's all the same to you.

Stephen		But I haven't finished the service!

Hugh		The rudeness, you mean? Well you should have
		thought of that before.

Stephen		Look, you can't just walk out half way through.
		Think of the child!

Hugh		Screw the child. Haven't you heard the news?

Stephen		Well I've heard some news, but I doubt if it's the
		same news that you're ...

Hugh		There's a revolution going on. Enterprise,
		initiative. Those who can't trim their fat go to
		the wall.

Stephen		What wall?

Hugh		What wa ... ? You just don't know what I'm
		talking about do you? I'm talking about the
		way you're running this flea-bitten, one-horse
		operation. Take this building. All this equity
		tied up for what? A couple of weddings a week.
		Pathetic. God, I'd like to get my hands on this
		place. I could really do something. Shopping
		arcade, four luxury flats, brasserie downstairs. It's
		a criminal waste.

Stephen		(Getting annoyed, puts baby in font to use both hands
		to speak - no one notices) Look, matey, this is a
		church, not a dealing room. I am not interested
		in your creepy theories about enterprise and
		initiative. This place is founded on ideas a bit
		more permanent than the Dow Jones Index.

Hugh		Yeah?

Stephen		Yeah. Something a tadge classier than "buy long,
		sell short and get into gilts".

Hugh		Uhuh?

Stephen		The Church will be here long after your little brat
		has grown up, ripped a few people off and died
		unloved in his Spanish retirement villa.

Deborah		Portuguese, actually. And there's no need to be
		so beastly.

Stephen		Well I'm sorry, but people like you really piss
		me off.

Hugh		You've got a big mouth, mister. So what's your
		pitch, your scam, your angle?

Stephen		Well look at you. You fight and deal and cheat
		all your life to get enough money to spend a few
		years wobbling your fat old bodies round a beach
		or a golf course, but what provision have you
		made for after your retirement?

Hugh		After my retirement?

Stephen		I'm talking about heaven.

Hugh		Heaven? Isn't that where the Gilroys went,
		darling?

Deborah		Devon.

Hugh		Oh yeah.

Stephen		After a hard life, don't you think you ought
		to treat yourself to a little long-tern security?
		I'm talking about lifestyle, status, comfort, and
		peace-of-mind.

Deborah		(Nudging Hugh) Don't trust him, Pudding.

Hugh		Give me space, give me space.

Stephen		She's right, think about it, Pudding. Think about
		it. Talk to your independent spiritual adviser.

Hugh		Hmm. He may have something.

Stephen		And if you won't treat yourself, have a thought for
		Duncan Dirk Dick. Give him a chance to get in
		on the ground floor.

Hugh		Darling, and no disrespect to you, Vicar, but what
		I'm thinking is this. How about a mixed portfolio,
		whereby we spread him through Judaism, Islam,
		Hindu and so on, maintaining a firm base in the
		Church of England?

Deborah		It does sound safer.

Hugh		Exactly.

Stephen		Alright. So. Duncan Dirk Dick, I baptise
		thee in ...

Deborah		Well then it ought to be something like Duncan
		Isaac Sanji.

Hugh		Duncan Abraham Sanji would be nice.

Deborah		Oh how about Duncan Abraham Naresh?

Stephen		Right. Do it yourselves. There's the water, there's
		the hymn book. I'm off for a slash.