European Deal

	Hugh, Stephen and Mrs Carrybannerchief sit around a boardroom
	table. Stephen is the interpreter between Hugh and the woman.


Hugh		First may I say what an honour this is for my
		company. I hope this will be the start of a long and
		fruitful business relationship. Now shall we begin?
		First of all, Mrs Carry Bannerchief.

Stephen		Tistrada mempot cloonystart, wekwester memenchyfud,
		lililili hi mau Carrybannerchief ...

Hugh		My company ...

Stephen		Hip lokerbelly wimey wimey bobular custole
		fiper ...

Hugh		Would ...

Stephen		Stisterharbulan cotrotty bububub whesker ...

Hugh		... like ...

Stephen		Marpy fanholer crikerbomb yelymasterman incy
		gobtratter ...

Hugh		... to tie up a European deal with your company.

Stephen		Ti.

Hugh		But I hope you'll agree ...

Stephen		Wop bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum ...

Hugh		That the price must be fair to both parties.

Stephen		Linhakky tutular ... er ...

Hugh		Problem?

Stephen		I'm afraid there's no such word as price in Strom.

Hugh		Oh. Er ... cost?

Stephen		Not really.

Woman		(Worried) Hinty p-pepular?

Stephen		(Reassuring her) Streen hathock.

Hugh		You must have a word for the amount that is
		to be paid for something.

Stephen		Not really. There's "hifty bewn-hate".

Hugh		What does that mean?

Stephen		It means price in the sense of "exploding vest".

Hugh		There's no sense in which price means exploding
		vest.

Stephen		It's the closest we get.

Hugh		All right - the exploding vest must be fair to
		both parties.

Stephen		Hifty bewn-hate. Happy hip-wipe.

Woman		Niling clover bolips weethle-fwisk prenty arse.

Stephen		That's perfectly sofa factory.

Hugh		Now - any long-term contracts?

	Stephen & woman laugh.

Stephen		Long-term contracts - ha ha ha.

Hugh		Wha ...

Stephen		You see "long-term contracts" in Strom means
		"wee-wee".

Hugh		Really?

Stephen		Yes ... ha ha ha.

Hugh		Yes, well, the only thing left is the outstanding
		"long-term contracts", ha ha, for after sales service.

Stephen		What?

Hugh		After sales service.

	Woman stands up looking furious.

Woman		Fudd nob.

	She smacks Hugh hard in the face and stalks out 
	of the room.

Hugh		What!!!???

Stephen		I do apologise.

Hugh		What on earth did she do that for?

Stephen		Well I think that she is not so happy that you would
		be insulting her.

Hugh		All I said was "after sales service".

	Stephen slaps Hugh.

Stephen		So you do speak Strom after all.

Hugh		No. What does it mean?

Stephen		What?

Hugh		After sales service.

Stephen		Ah well. I could show you, but I'd have to have
		a goat and four pairs of Marigold washing-up gloves.

Hugh		Oh dear.

Stephen		Oh you really are cruising for a bruising.

Hugh		Now what? What does "dear" mean?

Stephen		In Strom, dear means a large animal with wet noses,
		the soft brown eyes, and the antlings. I suggest you
		speak with your principals, and I will go and try and
		placate Mrs Carrybannerchief.

	The set is empty. There is a longish pause.

	Caption 
	"I expect they'll be back in a minute"

	Pause.

	Caption 
	"Oh dear"

	Pause.

	Caption 
	"In a way, it's surprising that this doesn't happen
	more often."

	Pause.

	Caption 
	"After all, rooms spend a lot of their time being
	empty, don't they?"

	Pause.

	Caption 
	"Not that this is a real room, of course."

	Pause.

	Caption 
	"I mean, since there's nothing else going on you
	might as well take a peek round the sides."

	The camera slowly pans off the set and shows a bit 
	of wall. It return to the centre and looks off the other 
	side. We catch a glimpse of the rear of a naked man just 
	slipping behind a flat. Camera returns to the centre again.

	Caption 
	"There's an audience as well"

	The camera goes all the way round and looks at 
	the audience. Returns to the room.

	We hear Hugh and Stephen re-entering the set.

Hugh		(Off camera) Ah. Any luck with Mrs Vetsach?

Stephen		(Off camera) I'm afraid she's inconsolable.

	Caption 
	"Hello. Sounds like they're off again."

	The camera pans round to the set again: Hugh and 
	Stephen are back.

Hugh		Well this is more than a little embarrassing. I'd
		certainly hoped to have this entire deal wrapped
		up by the end of today.

Stephen		You don't know where to stop.

	Caption 
	"There's quite a good film on the other side,
	if you're interested."

	Pause.

	Caption 
	"I think it's got Rod Steiger in it."

	Pause.

	Caption 
	"And I believe there's a thriller on Channel Four."