We Haven't Met

	A drinks party. Hugh approaches Stephen.


Hugh		Hello. We haven't met, Terry Swale. My wife tells
		me that you're new to Yorkshire.

Stephen		Yes, I'm a bit of a southerner, I'm afraid.

Hugh		Whoops! Can't have that. (Laughs)

Stephen		No! (Laughs) My mother's family came from Sheriff
		Hutton, though.

Hugh		Ah, well perhaps there's some hope for you!
		(Laughs a great deal)

Stephen		(Also laughing a great deal) Yes!

Hugh		So.

Stephen		Ng.

	Pause.

		(At length) I must say everyone seems very friendly.

Hugh		Well it's not all whippets and cloth-caps, you know.
		(Laughs)

Stephen		No. No. (Laughs)

Hugh		We have heard of avocados and hot and cold running
		water. (Shrieks with laughter)

Stephen		(Also laughing) Hot and cold running water!
		Avocados! That's lovely. So, you live ... ?

Hugh		Boroughbridge way.

Stephen		Ah, lovely.

Hugh		Well, you know. We've got the Moors handy and the
		Dales. Ten minutes and you can be in York, Ripon
		or Harrogate. We like it.

Stephen		Right. Lots of good air and lovely walks, I should
		imagine.

Hugh		Ye-e-es. But we have all got cars, you know.

Stephen		Well, naturally.

Hugh		I mean it's not all fell-walking and climbing boots.

Stephen		No. Right.

Hugh		You should see some of the traffic we get in
		Thirsk and Harrogate.

Stephen		Oh.

Hugh		And the pollution in Leeds can rival anything
		you've got down south, we like to think.

Stephen		Mm.

Hugh		Oh yes. Sometimes takes me two hours to get
		to work there are so many cars.

Stephen		Well, right. It can be terrible, can't it? I always
		used to go to work by bicycle when I was living in
		London.

Hugh		You can't move in Ripon for bicycles. Worst bicycle
		jams in Britain.

Stephen		Right. Still, it's a much better place to bring up the
		kids. I mean, quality of life and everything. Less of
		the seamier side of life to ...

Hugh		We have heard of sex and violence up here, you
		know.

Stephen		Well, obviously.

Hugh		We like to think that there are more drug-related
		muggings, rapings and beatings in the Vale of York
		than anywhere outside America. See that woman
		over there? Sally Oldcastle. She runs the biggest
		crack ring in Europe. And what's more she's not
		stuck-up.

Stephen		Good Lord. So there's not much that's different
		from London, really.

Hugh		You said it, mate. Whatever they've got down south,
		there's more of it up here and it's cheaper and more
		expensive and you can't park.

Stephen		Right, right. Well it's getting late, I think I'll just
		translocate myself home now.

Hugh		Beg pardon?

Stephen		I must translocate myself back home with my personal
		translocation podule.

Hugh		What the hell's that?

Stephen		Well it's basically just the same as a domestic
		translocation podule, but you wear it on your wrist,
		that's all.

Hugh		Yeah, what does it do?

Stephen		I punch in the grid coordinates of where I am now,
		then the coordinates of wherever it is I want to go,
		press the button on the side and hey presto.

Hugh		Hey presto?

Stephen		My molecular structure disintegrates and reassembles
		within a matter of seconds at my chosen
		destination.

Hugh		Hang on, hang on ...

Stephen		What?

Hugh		You mean like Star Trek ?

Stephen		I'm sorry?

Hugh		You mean you go all wobbly and then disappear?

Stephen		My God.

Hugh		What?

Stephen		You mean you've never seen one of these before?

Hugh		Er ...

Stephen		They're all the rage down South. My daughter
		bought me this at a petrol station. It's the Sinclair
		version, but some of the Japanese ones are really
		fabulous.

Hugh		Wait a minute.

Stephen		What?

Hugh		If you've all got these things ...

Stephen		Yes?

Hugh		What do you need petrol stations for?

Stephen		For everlasting life.

Hugh		I'm sorry.

Stephen		Everlasting life. They discovered it a couple of years
		ago in Southampton. If you drink a gallon of petrol
		every day, you'll live for ever. You must have heard
		that?

Hugh		That? Oh yeah. We drink petrol up here, all right.
		Yeah. Live for ever, we do, sometimes longer.

Stephen		Well I should hope so. I'm just amazed you don't
		have personal translocation podules.

Hugh		Who said we don't have them?

Stephen		Well I just thought ...

Hugh		Bloody designed and built up here, those things.
		We've had them for years. In fact, they've come and
		gone.

Stephen		Have they?

Hugh		Oh yeah. They were a sort of craze for a while,
		but nowadays ... no, I was just surprised to see
		people still using them after all this time. It's been
		years since I've seen one of them things.

Stephen		Oh, well would you like to have a go on mine?
		For old time's sake.

Hugh		No thanks.

Stephen		Sure?

Hugh		I've had a couple of drinks. Don't want to get
		pulled by the law when my molecules are all over
		the place.

Stephen		Fair enough. Well, I'll be on my way.

	Stephen grabs a cloth-cap and puts it on his head.
	He collects a leash on the end of which there is a 
	whippet.

Hugh		What are those?

Stephen		Cloth-cap and whippet. All the rage down south.
		Bye.

	He presses a button on his watch and disappears.

Hugh		(With beautiful woman on arm) Yes,
		indeed. Very happily married. Very
		happily married indeed. My wife's
		away at the moment visiting her
		sister in Wales, but very ...
		(suddenly realises) Is this going
		out on television? (turns to 
		beautiful woman) Who the hell 
		are you? Go away! Honestly ...