Harlequin Diary - Volume Two

16-Aug-92 The giants lend us buggy and some oxen to load the wounded into and we head for a fast shadow to give Calvin and Lokerai time to heal up. Michel uses his trump sketch and I contact him half an hour later to bring the rest through. We arrive in a western shadow on the way to a typical western town complete with injuns and a sheriff. The short journey takes care of a few minor details like the size of the wagon and the colour of the oxen. Everyone gets kitted out in their favourite country duds. We drag the guns out from under the buckboard and strap them on. Lucky Luke hides away his derringer, Calvin his marked poker deck. In town we get rooms in the Gold Star Hotel. Michel and I drink downstairs, Luke goes looking for a horse and Calvin , being the walking wounded, gets escorted upstairs to his room by Lily, the barman's wife. She is very friendly, thanks to a bit of help from Michel, and proceeds to give Calvin a very personal sponge bath. He apparently takes exception to this because we hear a scream from Lily. The barman rushes up with his shotgun after I warn him not to do any shooting. Calvin shoots the husband and two of the sons, the other two run for the sheriff. Michel runs up to investigate while I stay in the saloon drinking sarsaparilla. The sheriff arrives with 4 men and his deputy Festus. He does the traditional thing and goes up alone. Surprisingly Calvin surrenders to the sheriff and lets the deputy clap him in irons to be carted off to the jail. I have a chat with the deputy and spin him some shit about just meeting him while fighting some injuns out in the forest. They ask after Michel (who never returned from his jaunt upstairs) and Luke. A Clint Eastwood clone complete with poncho and cheroot strides into the saloon dripping dust and jingling spurs. The cork from a bottle of rot gut gets extracted by the strangers teeth and deftly directed at the spittoon (hi Michel, how's the ego today). The marshal (or sheriff or whatever) comes back with 4 deputies. Lucky Luke had found a wanted poster for Jake (Calvin) offering a $10,000 reward. He is now helping them with their enquires. The marshal is suspicious, he knows there is some connection between us because he has found Calvin and Lokerai's trump which thoughtfully contain my picture (thanks Michel). He insists that I also help him with their enquires but I have no desire to endure another stay in prison and suggest he find some real evidence that I have committed a crime before I will let myself be arrested. The stranger suggests that we just kill them. The deputies all draw their guns and cover us. This is starting to piss me off. I warn the sheriff that there is going to be some bloodshed mighty soon. Suddenly there is a burst of gunfire from the jail, the marshal runs off leaving 4 very nervous deputies guarding us. Their sense of duty would have cost them their lives had Michel not shot the guns out of their hands first. I would have shot to kill. Strange how the option to disarm seldom occurs to me. We take the back way to the jail where Luke has been making a bungled attempt to escape (with no help from Jake) and received several gunshot wounds for his trouble. Calvin finally makes a move and nails the marshal as I shoot two of the deputies aiming at Luke. Then Michel's dynamite goes off and levels half of the jail, turning the deputies into mush. I get two horses form the stables and we gallop off riding double until we get some more horses at a nearby homestead. As usual Michel manages to find the prettiest horse, much to the disgust of Calvin who does not much appreciate the dray I got for him and soon trades it in. Calvin becomes the designated driver as we head for an island paradise to rest up for a week. Michel and I are not wounded so we arrange to spend out time more profitably - Michel with his girl Thursday and I with by relative (frame of reference) spell linking and dynamic binding experiments. Fortunately I manage not to destroy any inhabited parts of the island. After everyone is well rested and healed we debate whether to go back and retrieve the trump Calvin and Lokerai lost (5 cards). Michel comes up with a plan to impersonate a marshal investigating the escaped desperadoes. I trump him after half an hour but get no reply so I try again in 2 hours. He is looking through some files to make everything look official, I arrange to call every hour in case there is trouble. He returns after a while and I return his package (without opening it). Time to make tracks towards Pilax where we hope to find some of these cat dudes to take out our frustration on. The others want to know where we are going but I can't really explain the mental image and have no intention of showing them. A usual my path through shadow is a bit on the rough and ready side, but at least we appear to be making progress. Just how much progress we find out that night when we stop in a renaissance city to find an inn. I ask the gatekeeper for the name of a good hotel - he recommends one frequented by wealthy merchants and such. All the noble types hang out at the palace. Lokerai exchanges some pearls for local currency and pays for our rooms. I take a table and introduce myself to a local named Wilbur as Harold Wilkingson while the others go upstairs to change into their poncy clothes. Michel is , as usual, dressed to the nines and looking comfortable in his powdered wig, Lokerai's gear is fashionable and Calvin still looks like a forest ranger in green. By comparison my black trousers and billowy white shirt are notable for their plainness. I also appear to be the only one in the room wearing a sword. Michel drifts off to mingle with the ladies while I continue to talk to Wilbur, telling him to guard his daughter while Michel is on the loose. I was not surprised to find that he had latched onto Madelaine, the most beautiful woman in the room, such a pity that she just happens to be the beloved of a very jealous prince. Michel pays no heed to my warning so I sit down to another goblet of wine and wait for the fireworks to start. A massive buffet is set up on our tables at which everyone is invited to eat. Calvin's clumsy attempt to give a shadow stolen bracelet to Madelaine fails so miserably that I almost choke on my pickled quail eggs. Sometimes I wonder if that boy has any brains at all. Wilbur tells me that the prince is a formidable swordsman, having gained much experience in the wars with the white cat creatures. Both the prince and some of his men are known to come and go a lot, often being away for long periods. This sounds mighty suspicious, my guess that the Prince and his men are actually shape changers is later shown to be true. When I ask him about the pentacles he says that they are just peasant superstition designed to ward off the tigers. Madelaine and Michel come to grace our table, everyone is introduced and we continue with our meal. Calvin is nowhere to be seen, he must have gone upstairs or outside. A bit later in the evening three powdered dudes come into the room, Wilbur begins to fade into the background and Madelaine looks upset. By the amount of bowing and scraping going on guess that he must be the prince, a fact which is confirmed when he comes straight to our table and begins to order Madelaine around in a typically haughty fashion. Someone trumps Michel, he refuses the contact but the effort required prompts the Prince to ask if he is unwell, perhaps he should go home? I attempt to defuse the situation by inviting him to our table but he is insistent that Madelaine go home. When she refuses the Prince orders us to leave and invites Michel to a private conversation in the garden. The two guards standing by the other door must have some form of psychic shield because Lokerai's attempt to influence one of them is completely unsuccessful. Then a howling comes from out in the garden where Michel and the prince went to have their little discussion, I rush outside to see Michel's grey beast fighting two of the cats. Surprise surprise. What actually does surprise me is that the beast is still alive and has actually wounded the cats despite be ing outnumbered by opponents that have proved to be formidable in the past. I draw my swords and easily kill one of the cats but the other runs away with the grey beast in hot pursuit and is somehow able to dodge my thrown dagger. A few moments later Michel staggers out of the bushes and as we walk upstairs he tells us that the Prince and his guard changed into cats. Michel thinks that the prince will try to kill us and that Madelaine is also in danger so Calvin drugs her and Michel trumps them out to a safe place. The rest of us leap out the window and rush to the stable to get horses, killing a few hapless guards along the way, and ride for the gates which are unfortunately too well designed and guarded for us to get open quickly. The soldiers on the battlements engage us as we hear the howl of cats from several places back in the city. Things appear to be hotting up nicely. I kill a couple of guards with Ulysses before letting Calvin charge past me so that I can concentrate on the crossbow men up on the battlements. Calvin gives us an impressive display of agility as he slips on the blood drenched stairs to fall prone right beneath the soldiers halberd. I must have misjudged Lokerai's skill with a sword as the cat which bounds up the stairs proceeds to turn him into hamburger. I take a moment to release my armour spell just in case a stray bolt comes my way then begin to perforate Lokerai's cat with a few arrows. It flees in a seriously wounded condition and ducks into an alley between the houses. Michel chooses a good time to trump through - the fighting has just finished - but he didn't count on us being on the battlements so he has to leave his horse behind. We rappel down the wall and flee into the night as even more cats begin to close in. Michel's beast changes into a horse to help us make better time but the cats are not far behind. When we stop to rest in the forest Lokerai starts to act strangely, his wounds have gone and he begins to change into a tiger. I try to dispel the magic but the effect only flickers out momentarily. When the change is complete he attacks, forcing Calvin to bash him on the head with his sword a few times before he finally falls unconscious. Michel manages to trump us out just before the pursuing cats reach us. The change of shadow must have negated the shape change because when we got to Michel's D&D shadow Lokerai was back to normal, except for the dented skull that is. Calvin gets led a merry chase by the beggars and urchins as he tries to find a priest to heal Lokerai's wounds. He just can't seem to come to grips with D&D inflation so he fails miserably as he tries to buy co-operation with a few coppers. When he finally returns the priest is unable to fully heal him, obviously a sign of the gods' disfavour. Calvin and I do a bit of shopping, we get some silver arrows and Calvin gets several suits of chain so that we don't get sliced up too much. Since we seemed to be pretty close to our destination and don't want to waste any time we prepare to depart immediately.

23-Aug-92 I went down to honest Ed's horse emporium to pick up a few steeds for the journey. Calvin wanted a war horse, so on Ed's recommendation I purchased Necromancer for him. This horse has a seriously bad attitude and a taste for human flesh. The riding horses were of good quality, as was the tack and saddlery. After tipping the stable hand and sending him back to Ed's I stabled our horses and inspected them. The arabic bit on Necromancer looked a bit excessive, just the sort of thing Calvin would use, so I trimmed off some of the worst spikes and flanges. Just as I am about to suggest we leave Calvin decides that we have to travel in a civilised fashion and wanders off to find a pack horse and camping gear. It hasn't yet dawned on him that he can find an inn or tent whenever he wants and that any gear we take with us soon gets left behind or destroyed. I show Michel and Lokerai their horses and introduce them to Necromancer. Not only does Lokerai want him even though I got Necromancer for Calvin but despite my warning to leave him alone Lokerai insists on trying to coerce the horse into being friends. Given Necromancer's general disposition this does not work too well. Calvin seems to be incapable of even something as simple as buying a tent. He manages to piss around for an extremely long time until Michel rescues him by buying the tent himself. It is 4:00 before we finally get on the road. I port us back to the forest just outside the princes city and begin shifting towards Trentor and Pilax. Cal notices that something is subtly shifting the shadow around us. I give Lokerai our destination and we attempt to overpower the manipulations by both of us driving towards Pilax along the shortest and safest route. Someone trumps me, and then again after 2 minutes. I make some defensive preparations and then accept. It is Mandor. He wants to see the tag he gave me. After he admits that he got my trump from Merlin I show him the tag and pull him through. He takes the tag, checks it and then makes it explode. Had I gone near the courts horrible things would have happened to me. My double has been busy in the courts killing Duke Kal of the twelfth quarter. I have one years grace before the lords of chaos come looking for me. We continue travelling with both Calvin and Lokerai sensing for any changes, but the direction and purpose of the manipulation is ambiguous. I try seeking Trentor and after 10 minutes a divergence is noted, indicating that he is not in Pilax. After a brief debate to head towards Pilax rather than Trentor we continue only to be attacked by pike men in the forest. A brief skirmish follows in which Lokerai manages to lose his horse and I slaughter lots. We question the survivors and find out that they were hired in the nearby town of Aljax by a man who had a suspiciously pale lieutenant. Against my better judgement Calvin hires the six survivors and takes them to Aljax to get horses. The rest of us decide to wait at the gate on the other side of the town. Shortly thereafter I get a trump call from Calvin who says he saw his wife and Fiona on stuck on poles in the castle courtyard. Fiona's trump is blocked so I can't get through to confirm if it is actually her on the pole. One of Calvin's guards come to lead us to the tavern where the others are waiting. We pass the castle so I look in on the women and find that the third one appears to be Farilla. As I look the portcullis slams shut behind me and archers open up from the murder holes. Not wasting any time I release my armour spell and sprint towards the poles, slashing down Fiona's pole and lowering it to the ground so she doesn't go splat. A dude in golden armour runs out and yells at me to stop. Then the cats motor towards me and the Calvin double nukes me down the left side with a lava blast while I cut Fiona's bonds. Not a good way to start the day. Lokerai brings in a mongo bear creature, I assume it was a trump or else he has some wicked sorcery and conjuration. Either way I am quite happy to have the bear on out side. Dick head tries to zap me with another spell but I manage to negate this one before it scorches me to a cinder. I spend the next few moments slaughtering cats while dodging around the pole until they withdrew to let the Calvin clone forward to attack. Peasant that he is he opened with a LUUM and slash which glanced off my armour as I ducked back. My reply is a neural disrupt, weaken structure and strike to break his blade. He doesn't seem to have much stomach for a real fight since he responds in his accustomed manner by porting out. Meanwhile Michel has flown over the wall on a hang glider, smacking his head nicely on the battlements, and assisted us by gating in a dragon which begins to make short work of the cats. Eventually they are all killed or have fled. After we cut them down it quickly becomes evident that the women are just shadow duplicates or conjurations. We can dimly hear Calvin calling from the top of the tower. He is too far gone to respond to a trump call so we get Michel to open a gate so Lokerai and I can go through to staunch his wounds and pump a healing spell into him. He is hanging in chains from the wall and his armpits and groin have been slashed. It takes a bit of effort but I eventually hack through his chains and I lead off down the spiral stairs with Lokerai carrying Calvin behind me. Every fifth stair is trapped, which is easy to avoid, but they were tricky and added a few extra triggers, one of which started an avalanche of rocks down the stairs and the other snotted the three of us up against a wall with a big scything blade. Finally we got free and made it back to the courtyard. Michel is knackered from creating two gates in quick succession so is unable to help so I port us to my flat in Tokyo. N.B. Scuz but must have advanced shape shift to have fooled me with a fake trump from Calvin and he now has several pints of blood with which to create creatures. he probably has a lower psyche (or was faking) since my power word affected him.

24-Aug-92 I left the women behind since they were not the genuine article and we couldn't go dragging them all over shadow. I ask Lokerai to use the phonebox to call an ambulance while Michel and I go to my doctor after dropping Calvin in the lobby. Lokerai has a bit of trouble with the phone but eventually it dawns on him that English will work so he insults the operator by using clipped pidgin but eventually gets it through that an ambulance is required. The police also arrive on the scene and want to arrest him since he still has his sword and armour. He stays in character and plays dumb, trying to convince the cops that he is an actor and then feigning inability when told to remove the armour and lay down the weapons. He ends up slaughtering a couple of dozen cops before fighting free and escaping through shadow to a place where he fails to be successful spy. Meanwhile back in Tokyo Michel and I manage to see Dr. Fukiba and get our wounds tended to. The doc says Michel is lucky he has a head like a stone, but is basically O.K. When we get back we are questioned by the cops, Michel goes overboard saying he is a shrink who has been chasing this psycho killer vampire across 5 continents. Calvin has been taken to Mt. Kabuki general hospital and sign the appropriate releases for the doctors so they can do lots of nasty things to him. We then taxi back to the flat, have some take away sushi which Michel insists on micro waving and sort out some ID. Michel sets his creature on guard and we both crash for the night. Next morning I do the thoughtful host bit and cook breakfast, although all Michel seems to be interested in is skulking the coffee. The hospital informs us that Calvin has been mumbling neo-nazi shit in his sleep (don't ya just love all those heavy drugs?) but I don't have any more info for them. I sort out some baggage to fill in the holes in our story but we are interrupted by a trump from Lokerai which we both answer armed for bear. After sending a bit of well deserved abuse in his direction we arrange to call him when we have retrieved Calvin. Michel arranges some paperwork to transfer Michel to a military hospital and gets us an ambulance. The plan seems good so I go along with it and make a call to the hospital to prepare them for our arrival. We are told that he cannot be transferred as the police want him for questioning. This sort of stuffs up the plan so we try to trump him but don't get any answer even after several attempts. Time is sliding by so we double up and break through, telling Calvin to check for observers then let us bring him through. Typically Calvin pulls out his drips, alerting the suspicions of the officer on guard. Cal smacks him one which silences the guard quite effectively but also bursts all of his stitches. Michel drugs him and fixes all the wounds (plus a few extras) while I drive. Lokerai comes through and we give him some more abuse (totally free of charge) and get him to shift us to a safe but fast shadow. We end up at our private Chateau complete with medical facility and nymphomaniac nurses, arranged as usual by Michel. An alarm goes off from Cal's room so we all rush to investigate. As the first "doctor" on the scene I examine him and order immediate emergency surgery, complete with freezer trays, micro sutures etc. Cal begins to quietly freak out until I zonk him full of drugs to give us some breathing space. Michel had very thoughtfully given him a local, taped his dick out of sight and splashed some blood around. I decide not to give him a convincing scar but instead feed him some hallucinogens and have one of the nurses pay him a visit. He wakes up with a beautiful brunette giving him a blow job. Needles to say he doesn't really know what is going on. The next day I give him a check-up and prepare to do another spell to fix up his wounds but he behaves rather strangely and offers to break my fingers. Perhaps an after effect of the drugs? I think not. Much more likely to be just Calvin as his normal dick head self. What the fuck am I doing hanging around with thes e weirdos anyway? Two psycho killers and a practical joker artist who could do with an ego which didn't dwarf the planet. Needles to say I am a bit pissed off and call Luke and Michel to say we are leaving in 3 hours. I ask the staff to prepare our ambulance while I get an earthquake spell ready.

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