MacHiei

by Pan
 
 

Act Three
 

The past period has seen the Yuu Yuu Hakushoers sweating their
brains out in trying to solve a complex trouble on the set. And that may
be... ?

Yuusuke: Hiei's still lost.
Koenma: But he can't be lost for long, I've sealed off all exits and once
the exits are broken out of the alarm will sound.

 A brief pause to check for alarm sounds.

Koenma: Nope, he's not escaped yet.
Kurama: But how are we supposed to find MacHiei?
Botan: With the Reikai Detective Spiritual Seven blah blahs!
All: HUH?
Botan: There! Here it is! With this special youkai detector, one piece of
fabric, one piece of string or a strand of hair is all that is needed to
find the owner!
Kuwabara: But how are we supposed to find Hiei's... hair?
Kurama: ... Wait...

 Our noble BanKuramaQuo hops off the set, runs out of the theatre,
runs all the way home, jumps onto his bed, sweeps through it and produces a
strand of black hair, rushing back to present it.

Kurama: Viola... and, it'll do your health very good to not ask any
questions about it now.
Kuwabara: But how *did* you get Hiei's hair in your bed?
Kurama: Hmm... I do believe he was thrashing around pretty violently when I
was trying to perform the bone re-connection operation on him... but ask no
further, and I assure you good health.

 While our other actors turn to walk backstage to investigate
MacHiei's prescence in the room, BanKuramaQuo turns to face the audience
with yet another one of his charming smiles. In fact, if he hadn't been
producing those smiles for the last two Acts, half the theatre would have
been emptied by now...

Kurama: Well, that guy has it all... he gets to be with Yukina with no
obligations... he gets to go totally snappy, crazy and free after two ruined
Acts... why, he is even King now! As the three transvestites have promised.

Genkai: The word catches on fast.
Shizuru: If Hiei is still around after the show, we'll show him what these
three 'transvestites' are made of...
Mukuro: Leave me some of him won't you?
Genkai and Shizuru: Of course...

Kurama: Can it be true then, that what they have promised me will come to be
as well? I dare not think of these corruptive thoughts any further... for
hush! I hear a sound!

 BanKuramaQuo moves to stage left, and Lady MacHiei, Yukina, walks
out to stand at stage right. She takes a deep bow, smiling sweetly as she
did.

Yukina: My gracious nobleman.
Kurama: At thy service, your majesty.
Yukina: The backstage attendants require your brief presence to subdue a
certain fire demon.
Kurama: Sounds like fun.

 BanKuramaQuo very gracefully takes Yukina's hands and lets her lead
him off into the curtains. That expression on his face, by the way, is very
very... interesting... Immediately, KoenmaRoss and his attendant, Botan
takes center-stage to address the crowd.

Koenma: There is a solemn supper tonight in this Kastle.
Botan: Hiei-chan has been crowned King of all three realms.
Koenma: It is a gracious occasion, to be graced by a... probably trussed up
with vines MacHiei now.
Botan: Whatever it is, this meal is almost divine...
Koenma: You are all invited, our audiences.
Botan: To feast the feast with us.
Koenma and Botan: (deep bow) Please do come along.

 I am sorry, my dear audiences. Those who are still left over now,
erm... because of a highly unco-operative main lead I have decided to vary
from the original script a little. Thank your for your patience, and I hope
you didn't notice the stage rotating to see a very angry Kurama strangling
a rather resigned looking Hiei... oh you didn't see it you say? Good...

Kurama: And I'm telling you ONE! LAST! TIME! Just finish this play, be good
be done with it and I'll negotiate with her that you'll never get to star in
another one of her Shakespearean turnovers as the main lead again!! GET IT??
Hiei: (raises a white flag) ...
Kurama: Good.

 BanKuramaQuo helps a dazed MacHiei to his feet. We see Lady MacHiei
enter the stage and start her sweet sweet smile again, staying close by her
'husband' MacHiei while she walks.

Yukina: Tonight, our feast must not lack your presence, noble kinsman.
Hiei: Hn.
Kurama: I will not miss the night, my lady... OW!
Hiei: DON'T call her 'your lady'!!
Kurama: I didn't call her 'your lady', I called her 'my lady'!! And have you
any idea how heavy your right foot is?!?!
Hiei: Hn.
Yukina: Peace now, my two good men.
Kurama: As the lady commands, peace, o MacHiei... OUCH!
Hiei: [aside to Kurama] I'll get you for this yet! You'd better watch those
silver tails of yours!
Kurama: [aside to Hiei] Make my day! If I don't fry that already fried
dragon of yours...
Hiei and Kurama: iflookscouldkill
Hiei: Fine. So I suppose you're going to ride this afternoon.
Kurama: That I am. My plants need a little workout.
Hiei: How far are you going to ride?
Kurama: As far as the boundaries of the Kastle. But I'll return before night
passes, hopefully with a few nice animals for meat... if not... oh well! You
guys have to become vegetarians for a night.
Hiei: I heard the bloody Kuwabaracolm and Shurabain have high-tailed to
Ireland and England. Hn. A couple of cowards.
Kurama: Umhm.
Hiei: Goes FleShuuichiAnce with you? Eh? Kurama??
Kurama: Down here... ~~
Shuuichi: Oops! Sorry, 'Dad'! I didn't see you, but I caught my cue and I
came out as rehearsed!!
Kurama: Shuuichi, waste those blades! We're going for a ride on something
else.
Shuuichi: But-

 Bickering, the duo of 'father and son' remove themselves from the
stage and MacHiei gives another 'hn' to express his relief. But then again,
he 'hn's to express anything else too. The stage is now cleared, as Yukina
also leaves the stage to let MacHiei dominate center. He sits down promptly,
and Jin appears in a gust of wind.

Hiei: Heheheheheh... I'll get you yet, Youko Kurama...
Jin: Yo, Hiei, I'm here.
Hiei: That's KING MACHIEI to you!!

Yuusuke: I don't believe this. He's actually starting to speak like he
should be!
Keiko: Great job, Hiei-sama! Though I don't quite like your attitude...

Jin: Fine fine... KING MACHIEI to you. Those three have been waiting at the
gates of the Kastle for a long time.
Hiei: Hn.
Jin: Hn? Is that supposed to be 'bring them to me' or 'bring me to them'?
Hiei: Hn. Have you brains at all? Or is your head just full of empty air?
Jin: How dare you-
Hiei: If you cherish your life, you'd better do as I just signalled for you
to, JIN-SAN.
Jin: ... yes... of course...
Hiei: There goes Jin... Hn.
To be thus is nothing, but to be safely thus... my fears in BanKuramaQuo is
more than just stage fright... it's starting to become highly personal. If
then I know that I cannot hope to try to harm him myself, why not have
someone else who would be more than willing to do the dirty deed? Those
three...

Genkai: Ugh oh, here we go again...

Hiei: ... Weird Sisters...

Genkai, Shizuru and Mukuro: ... ???
Yukina: This is too good to be true! Hiei-san! Thank you for finally
remembering the lines!

Hiei: ... while they have promised me the crown, they led him to the
prophecy that all this children shall be kings after me! HAH HAH HAH! As if
he'll have any real children anyway...

Kurama: Someone is underestimating me. Someone is also remembering a wrong
set of lines. Someone... is in big... BIG trouble...
Kuronue: Hey, cool it. At least later when I kill you, it'll be fully make-
believe.
Kurama: (stealing a glance at Karasu) I'm not so sure about that...
Yomi: Hoh hoh hoh... more and more interesting...

Hiei: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH! You're a goner, Youko Kurama! NEHEHEHEHEHEHHE!!

 The stage is filled with a new wave of emotion! MacHiei's facade has
changed from one of ambiguity to absolute murderous!! There is a ding dong
sound and Kuronue, Karasu as well as Yomi enters to face MacHiei. They look
back defiantly, but maybe that's because they were born with defiance.
Anyway...

Kuronue: [whispers] Enjoy your laughs while you can, Forbidden Child. My
partner in crime is not too appreciative of it...
Hiei: *GULP* Erm... well... was it not yesterday we spoke together, then?
Yomi: Hoh hoh hoh... I should think so.
Hiei: Fine, then I won't waste anymore time. Which one of you is youkai
enough to kill someone for me.
Kuronue: We're all youkais.
Hiei: Chi. All D, C, B, A, S class youkais are considered to be youkais.
Karasu: ~fuming~
Hiei: All right all right, let me rephrase that. Which one of you is MALE
enough to kill someone for me.
Kuronue: Depends on who... For example, I won't mind killing Karasu. He's
always bullying my best friend.
Karasu: I won't mind killing Kuronue either. He's always standing in my way
when I'm doing a fox hunt.
Hiei: For example if you are to kill your best friend?
Kuronue: Woah, that's fresh. What's in it for me? Half the Kingdom?
Yomi: Hoh hoh hoh... do you think this is some kind of fairy-tale?
Karasu: You want us to kill Kurama? Heheheheh... I'll do it for free, o
great MacHiei.
Yomi: Kill my heir... that's quite a fresh concept...
Hiei: So... if I am to ask you all to be enemies to a certain Youko Kurama
we all know?

 Our three makai legendary folks do a little tit tat stare stare for
a while, before nodding in unison.

Kuronue, Karasu and Yomi: No problem...
Hiei: That's settled then! BWHAHAHHAHAHA! I'll show you yet, Youko Kurama!

Kurama: The way those three said it with such sincerity, I am beginning to
fear my existance right now...
Koenma: And the fact that Hiei is using your real name more than reel name
becomes a little disturbing eh?
Kurama: Bingo. But if I'm to die in this play... hahahahaha, I'm sure Koenma
will have a good judgment for me won't you?
Koenma: Hmmm... that depends on how many times you've called me baby so
far...
Kurama: ... life is so unfair... YUKINA-CHAN! It's your turn! Yukina??

 There is a mass flurry on the stage, and everybody turns crazy
trying to find the main female lead. If Yukina was lost, no one would want
to face the wrath of MacHiei...

Shizuru: Umm... narrator?

 Okay... I get it... aaaah! My dear audiences! Shall we listen to a
story of how our dear Yuu Yuu Hakushoers tried to learn how to do tofu
sushi? It's very interesting and -- ACK! I get the idea! Stop those rotten
eggs!! I... I... wait a minute... YUKINA! What're you doing there?

Yukina: (popcorn in audience seat) Hm? Oh! Hiei-san was so good, I just
wanted to watch him as an ordinary audience! I'm so sorry, I'll return to
stage right now...

Jin: Here comes our lady.
Yukina: Great evenings, Jin-san. May I have a word with the King please?
Jin: Yes you may, but I'd rather you ask him than speak for permission with
me...
Yukina: That I will, thank you for your pains.
Hiei: Yukina.
Yukina: Hiei-san!
Hiei: Where have you been, Yukina?
Yukina: Somewhere.
Hiei: ...

Yuusuke: Yukina-chan is beginning to adopt Hiei's short and sharp answers.
Keiko: What style... what great rapport... I'm expecting them to be the main
lead for the next play too...
Yuusuke: ... there's a... 'next'... play?

Yukina: Oh Hiei-san, please don't look so sad...
Hiei: Sad? My dear little Yukina, I am far from it... HAHAHAHAHHA! Something
that is going to happen tonight will eliminate all fears I need have of
youkais, and that, you should be innocent the knowledge of.
Yukina: Hiei-san?
Hiei: Stay innocent, Yukina. Don't be tainted by the wrongs of the world.
Yukina: Okay then, Hiei-san. Please do put on a good front in front of the
banquet guests tonight!
Hiei: Come with me, then.

 The stage immediately rotates and we see a tropical jungle of some
sort have suddenly sprouted out from the backdrop of this section of the
revolving stage. BanKuramaQuo peers out from one of the bamboo shoots and
steps onto the space he had left untouched in center stage. FleShuuichiAnce
follows closely behind him, still on rollerblades. Erm, my two boys, it's
not your turn yet...

Shuuichi: It isn't?
Kurama: I told you.
Shuuichi: Oh well.

 They disappear behind the tropical jungle grown out of nowhere.
Footsteps pitter patter a-coming, and Kuronue, Karasu and Yomi step into the
jungle.

Kuronue: What the-
Karasu: I thought it was just supposed to be a backdrop of a forest. I never
remember my Kastle being so vegetated.
Kurama: [from one of the plants] I thought realisticism would bring in
better profits for the theatre.
Yomi: Hoh hoh hoh... that's why I say I need talents like you in my
regiment!
Kurama: I'm going to die anyway, Yomi, so just say your lines and get this
scene done with.

Yomi: Are the things ready?
Kuronue: As they can ever be!
Karasu: Hhehehehehe... Let me tell you first. I get to kill Kurama...
Kuronue: *eyes flashing* No way, *I* get to do that.
Yomi: MacHiei certainly did not specify a person to, so we shall all have
our fair shares... hoh hoh hoh...
Kurama: (whistling)
Yomi: Here he comes!

 Once again, BanKuramaQuo steps through a myriad of trees and emerges
center stage to find himself, and FleShuuichiAnce, suddenly faced with three
sinisterly looking people...

Kurama: You are...
Karasu: Here to kill you and claim you!

 The last three words were not in the script.

Karasu: *shrugs* Since Hiei goes out of script all the time, I don't see why
I cannot!
Kurama: That's nonsense! Why would MacHiei want to kill me?
Karasu: Hmm... *rolls out a piece of scroll* ... let's see... Reasons for
wanting to kill Youko Kurama:
1) He always tries to get me to say my lines...
2) He always tries to tell Yukina that I'm her... nevermind...
3) He always tries to make me act in stupid Shakespeare plays as some
spastic main leads...
4) He knows too much about me...
5) I know too little about him...
6) I really hate to admit this, but I'm really scared of him.
7) And I really hate to be scared of anybody...
8) He just has too much control over me...
9) I want to be free! Once he's dead...
10) I...
Kurama: Mou mou enough!
Karasu: I've barely gotten through 10%!
Kuronue: Anyway, we're just here to kill you.
Kurama: O treachery!

 Kurama creates a plant capsule of some sort and puts FleShuuichiAnce
in it!

Kurama: Fly, FleShuuichiAnce! Fly so that this revenge would be taken! I
know myself, that against one S, one Ruling/Quest and my best friend... I
can't possibly win...
Shuuichi: DAD!
Kurama: GO!

 FluShuuichiAnce flies out of the stage and BanKuramaQuo turns back
to face our three grinning advocates of murder...

Kurama: *pulls out a rose* So, where were we?
Kuronue: Die?

 There is a large crash, and then a cloud of smoke forms in center
stage at where BanKuramaQuo used to stand. There are, in fact, lots of loud
noises issuing forth from the fog which Kuronue had apparently created. We
see nothing, but we hear lots and lots of noises...

Voice: YEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOWWW!!!
Kurama: Kuronue!
Yomi: Hoh hoh hoh... that's what you get for not patching up the hole in the
stage properly...
Karasu: You're mine, Kurama!
Kurama: You dream on! Rose Whip!
Yomi: OUCH!
Kurama: Oops.
Karasu: Hahahahaha, so like you to lose two of your protectors...
Kurama: Ugh oh...

 Despite, of course, the interesting conversation going on in the
fog, I sincerely doubt whether anybody can see anything through that thick
mist. There is a sudden standstill of motions as the air lingered with
anticipation... Will Karasu get the fox... or not? And this we shall leave
lying in the mist for the answer to...

Kurama: OF COURSE HE WON'T!!
Karasu: Et et et! I can get you!
Kurama: *probably sticking out his tongue* BLERRRR! You can't get me! Oh,
anyway and by the way, I'm dead. O woe is me! How dare that MacHiei send
assassins after me! I am dead, and I shall return to haunt him for such a
cruel deed...
Karasu: Hey! But I haven't touched you yet!
Kurama: *probably sticking out tongue again* BLERRRR! I told you you can't
get me!!

 Without further ado, the stage rotates to reveal a magnificent...
well... maybe, not-so-magnificent feast going on in the palace of MacHiei,
now crowned king...

Karasu: *grumble grumble* Hi, Hiei.
Hiei: Hn. So, what happened. Why do you smell of roses?
Karasu: I don't know, well, one thing is, you gotta tell Kurama to cut down
his rose attacks.
Hiei: If he's dead, then there's no need.
Karasu: Yeh he's 'dead'.
Hiei: And FleShuuichiAnce?
Karasu: Mmm... I think he escaped.
Hiei: Hn. Why are you alone?
Karasu: Oh, Kuronue fell through the hole in the stage, and Yomi got cut by
Kurama's rose whip.
Hiei: ... are you sure Kurama's dead?
Karasu: Mmm... does twenty bombs confirm that?
Hiei: Do you remember how many million bombs you threw at him during the
Ankoku and he still killed you?
Karasu: Oh did he? How come I can't remember, I must be having chronic brain
malfunction.
Hiei: Hn. Let's speak again later.

Yukina: Hiei-san!
Hiei: Hmm... come! Sit! Eat! Drink!
Koenma: But your majesty... there's nothing on the table.
Yukina: Oh yes how could I forget...
Hiei: You mean, how could BanKuramaQuo be late in bringing in the dishes for
today. It's supposed to be his turn to cook. Hn.
Yukina: His abscence is greatly missed.
Koenma: Why doesn't the royal highness sit down?
Hiei: Hn? The table's full.
Koenma: Why, here's a seat!

 MacHiei stops, and starts big time. Soon, however, he narrows his
eyes to face the person sitting on the seat where he was supposed to
occupy...

Hiei: You... you can't say I did it! Never shake thy fiery locks at me!
Kurama: Oh? You don't like my red hair? Fine!

 There is a swift transformation, the pepper spectrum trick
(*footnote) still working very well as Kurama transforms into Youko Kurama.

Koenma: Gentlemen, when our highness is not well, you know what to do...

 Everybody whips out a Jaou Ensatsu Kokuryuuha Protective Suit™ and
puts it on in swift continuation.

Everybody: We're ready for his rage!
Hiei: Youko Kurama! I thought I had you... erm...
Kurama: Killed? Hahahah, don't worry, you can't kill me, I'm a stubborn old
fox. Haven't lived a thousand years for nothing...
Koenma: Your highness...
Hiei: I am alarmed! How may all of you look at this cruel little youko here
and still keep the natural ruby in thy cheeks?
Yukina: Hiei-san! Stay, gentlemen! Hiei-san is just overreacting... he
misses the prescence of Kurama-san too much.
Hiei: I do-MMFMFMFM... !!!

Yuusuke: Did Yukina-chan just single-handedly clap a hand over Hiei?
Keiko: She did.
Yuusuke: WAAAY TO GO! YUKINA-CHAN!

Kurama: *evil, cruel laughter* MWAHAHAHAHAHAH! Be scared, Hiei! I have come
back for you... join me in death and I shall dismiss myself from the courts!
Hiei: Why you--- !!! You deserve to die a second time, fox!
Yukina: Hiei-san!
Koenma: Your majesties!!
Yukina: Gentlemen, leave by the door now, please... Hiei-san has gone off
his bonkers!!
Koenma: We understand. Let us raise.

 Immediately, people start pouring out of the Kastle after giving
MacHiei a bow. Youko BanKuramaQuo's pepper ghost is still sitting on the
spot where he has not left and smirking away. Now, we see that the gentle
Yukina and MacHiei has been left on stage...

Kurama: Hahahahahahah... !! I gloat, o great MacHiei! May you live your life
beheld in the blood you have begotten thus far... hahahahahahah!!

 In a puff of Kuronue's Makai Mist™, the pepper ghost of Youko
BanKuramaQuo disappears.

Hiei: Blood... they say blood will have blood... but what need I fear what I
have done when much worse has been yet performed?
Yukina: It's almost dawn now, Hiei-san.
Hiei: ... MacYuusuke did not come hence did he?
Yukina: No.
Hiei: Hn. Fine, suit him, if he doesn't care, then I won't care either. I'll
talk with those...

Shizuru: Ugh oh, here we go again...

Hiei: ... three...

Genkai: Will he say it?

 Audiences, draw in a huge draught of air... euphemism is such a
wonderful thing...

Hiei: ... AW HECK. Just those three. I will speak to them again, for I am in
blood stepped in so far that, should I wade no more, returning were as
tedious as going over...
Yukina: You need another six hours hibernation, Hiei-san.
Hiei: ...
Yukina: Let's retreat...

 They exit the stage in stage left, and the stage rotates to a wide
plain of some sort, where the weather is neither fair, nor foul (it's
indoors, what do you expect? Hurricanes??); Koenma walks in from stage right
and stares, at the the audiences, taking a bow.

Koenma: That we said the murder of gracious Duncan were done by those who
waited to help his hand from the sickly yoke was unnatural.
That we say that those have fled of fear was more than unnatural.
MacHiei, in his tyrannic feast have proven our fears afright... and we...

Yuusuke: (from the prompter's box) WAIT A MINUTE!

Koenma: *whispers* WHAT?

Yuusuke: You're supposed to be transliterating this into modern speech, not
keep the orignal Shakespearean version!

Koenma: I am adapting it in simplified English, O Thane of MacYuusuke. You
obviously haven't read the script through have you?

Yuusuke: Erm, nope... *flips desperately through script* Act III Scene...

 There is a sudden scruffling in the prompter's box, and from the
audience's point of view, KoenmaRoss' expression to a dome (*footnote) of
seeming nothingness was apparently classic...

Koenma: Keiko.
Keiko: Hai.

 We watch, the lady, as she disappears into the prompter's box, then
all noises are ceased for a moment. Suddenly, there is a spurt of sound, and
the next moment, heavy slapping motions can be heard, MacYuusuke is thrown
out from nowhere and an infuriated Keiko following soon after.

Keiko: AND STAY OUT!!

Koenma: Thank you.

Keiko: You're welcomed. I retreat backstage now.

Koenma: I see the spark that was MacYuusuke. Dare I think that he too
presumes this act of unnatural deed to fall upon the one who wears the royal
robes now? It seems however, that this impact of a hit from Keiko shall send
MacYuusuke flying to England and back in a while... until then, may the
peace be upon the Makai, if ruled by a bad-tempered, anti-social fire demon
who has a problem with both the world and himself...

 We pause, to reflect carefully on the moment at how KoenmaRoss'
quick reactions had saved his head from being severed from the neck. The
curling black flames reside to smoke, and the trembling KoenmaRoss look in
the way of backstage.

Voice: I TOLD YOU! It's just a play, HIEI! For goodness sake will you BEHAVE
or not?!?!

Koenma: OEI KURAMA!

Kurama: WHAT?!

Koenma: *notes the dangerous glinch in Youko's voice, simmers a little* I
hope you can take that boy in hand, and erm... Thank you, audiences, for
your kind attention to this Act.

 The curtains close, and we heave yet another sigh of relief that the
torturous act as been over. The seriousness of this Act was not intended, it
all depended on how serious our leads want to be... contrary to all
expectations, MacHiei remembered his lines... youkais behaved, there were
no violent upstarts of Raizen, Yomi and Mukuro subjects who happen to be
watching the play...

 The interval is probably another two to three weeks... If no one has
been bored totally by then... oh well!

Kurama: NARRATOR!!!

 Erm, excuse me...

 Karasu, will you let go of Kurama or not?

Kuronue: Let go of my best friend!!
Hiei: Yeh! Let go or else!
Yuusuke: You're in big trouble!
Yomi: Hoh hoh hoh! Even though I don't know what's going on, well Karasu,
you'd better let go of my heir.
Karasu: No no, not letting go no matter what!
Yuusuke: Fine.
Hiei: Then... let's...
Kuronue: ... bash him up!

 Oh well, our youkais will resolve the Karasu/Kurama crisis.
Hahahahahaha... I always find an episode of 'Karasu irritates the fox' very
entertaining for an evening relaxation... enough of nonsense! Thank you for
your reading... I admire your patience for having stuck on so long.

END ACT 3

*footnote:
Pepper ghost's trick: classic theatre style of allowing 'ghosts' or
'spectrums' to appear on stage. Below a depression stands the subject, who
through the inverted mirror (think pinhole camera) allows his translucent
image to fall upon the stage, thereby creating a ghost's effect. Audiences
are unable to see how the trick is performed.

Prompter's box: a raised dais just in front of the stage edge enough to fit
a person to prompt lines. It is in semi-domed shape, the part facing the
stage open for viewing and the part facing audience simply looking domish
and decorative. Mostly seen in professional theatres. Audiences are unable
to see the prompters.
 
 
 

Back to Act Two
Act Four