MacHiei

by Pan
 
 

Act Four
 

Genkai: Let's face it.

 Face what.

Genkai: Your play is going on a downward path.

 I know. But what can I do? What do you propose I do?

Genkai: More humour?

 A person may have inspirations to such, then everything just runs
dry... would anyone want to filter some ideas to me? No? I guessed as
much... well in that case, Act 4 shall begin without further ado!

Voice: I HATE SHAKESPEARE!!!
Voice 2: Hiei-san!
Voice: Hn.

Shizuru: Does that mean we're clear to proceed our rich and vibrant
Shakespeare play without any disturbances later due to a heat oppressed mind
of a fire demon?
Genkai: I sure think so.
Mukuro: Okay. Let's start.
Shizuru: That's a beautiful cauldron you have there.
Genkai: Thank you. Toguro gave it to me.
Mukuro: How sweet...
Genkai: *blush*

 Ladies...

Shizuru: Foul foul! Here we art trialed!
Genkai: Thrice the brinded fic writer hath mewed!

 ????

Mukuro: Thrice, and once, the fire demon whined.

Voice: MUKU-
Voice 2: HIEI-SAN!!

Shizuru: The foxes cry! It's time! It's time!
Genkai: Round about my cauldron go;
 In the poisoned entrails throw!
 Toad that under cold stone
 Days and nights hast thirty-one
 Sweated venom sleeping got
 I'll boil thou first in mine charm'd pot...
All: Double double toil and trouble,
Fire burn my cauldron I cuddle...

 We apologize for the technical error in microphones. You may or may
not take the further scene with our three witches for real, for I fear they
are really in a most sardonic mood today.

Genkai: But of course.
Shizuru: We haven't said anything major for ACTs...
Mukuro: Time to make a co-ordinated revenge.
All: Heh heh heh...

Mukuro: Fillet of a fenny king;
 In the cauldron boil and wring

Botan: That's Enma-sama's... !!!
Koenma: Ahahahaha... I thought mayhaps my dad had something to contribute to
this play... well... his beard was a little over-grown...

Mukuro: Eye of demon toe of frog,
 Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
 Hiei's fork and Yuusuke's sting,
 Ani's leg and Kuronue's wing,
 For a charm of powerful trouble,
 Like in Makai boil and bubble.
All: Double double toil and trouble;
Fire burn my cauldron I cuddle...

Voice 2: Hiei-san! What happened to your tongue?
Voice: Long story, but it'll grow back. *painful sigh*
Voice 2: Oh Hiei-san!!
Voice: Yu... Yukina... can't... breath... don't cry...

Keiko: Yuusuke!! What hap-
Yuusuke: That WOMAN! She took away all my reiki!

Mukuro: Shush! I was only borrowing it! I'll return it before you fight Hiei
in the final paranomical scene so rest assured!

Ani: Since when was I involved... luckily I can re-generate...
Ototo: Genkai took my biggest rice bowl! She said she'll be cooking
something fabulous... yummy...

Kurama: That hurt, didn't it.
Kuronue: *YIPS*
Kurama: Told you you'd better not mess with that woman.
Kuronue: *SHUTUP*

Shizuru: Scale of Black Dragon tail of fox,
 In you go and there you rot,
 Of the ravined high flight crow,
 Wherein here our evil grow,
 Liver of whatever mewed,
 Gall of goat and slips of yew,
 Silvered by the moon's eclipse,
 Offered whole by Raizen's lips,
 Pieces of a tattered cloak,
 Found and dried with Hiei's robes,
 Add thereto a Puu's great chauldron
 For the ingredients of this cauldron.
All: Double double toil and trouble
Fire burn my cauldron I cuddle.
Shizuru: Cool it with Kazuma's food,
 Then the charm is firm and good.

Kuronue: *YOURTAIL*
Kurama: One tail less doesn't matter much... such sacrifices I go to... I
had to practically do a rodeo on the Kokuryuuha to get that scale,
however... YOU PERVERT!
Karasu: Ahahaahaha... does my little fox need consoling for having lost one
tail?
Kurama and Karasu: *starts to get into a big Ankoku reprise, you know, you-
big-idiot-I'll-change-into-anything-to-defeat-you and the oh-yes-please-try-
your-best-and-die-from-my-bombs thing*

Yuusuke: Shizuru comes up with some really nauseating ingredients...
Keiko: How dare she talk about Puu's intestines!
Puu: PUU!!^#^$(#*&%(#$(Q#(*#(!!!
Kuwabara: My food! What has my food got to do with making a charm good??
Hiei: Hn. It's obvious.
Kuwabara: What the-
Yukina: Kazuma-san, Hiei-san, please don't fight!
Hiei: Hn.
Kuwabara: Ah, Yukina-san! You said my name before the little prawn's!
ALALALALALLALA! YUUUUUKINAA-SAAAAAAAN!!!
Hiei: Hn.
Koenma: I wonder what he really eats.

Shizuru: You mean what I feed Kazuma?

 Shizuru shifts her glance to the disgusting cauldron.

Shizuru: Something like what's in the cauldron now.

 Thank you thank you, and yes, the evil is beginning to build up to
an unavoidable fate... and that would be the fact that MacHiei returned to
seek further prophecies from the witches due to his insecurity!

Hiei: That's nonsense! I'm NEVER insecure! THIS WHOLE PLAY IS NONSENSE! I-

 Great MacHiei stops as he realizes that he is in the center of the
stage facing the whole hall of audiences looking on with anticipation...
highly expectant...

Hiei: ... WHATEVER!

Genkai: By the pricking of my reiki,
 Something wicked this way rickets.
 Open locks,
 Whoever knocks...

 MacHiei disregards the wooden slab in his way.

Genkai: Erm... I said 'open'...
Hiei: As long as it's out of the way, who cares if it's right now just a
heap of black ash on the floor.
HOW NOW, you secret black and midnight H.A.G.S! What is it you do.
All: Nothing.
Hiei: Well great, since you're so free, you might as well tell me the code
to the new high-security exit you have around this theatre now. It makes
better sense for me to escape than...

Voice: HI.E.I. The Price to Pay for Angering me is Very Heavy.

Hiei: ... erm... I mean, tell me what you know.
Mukuro: Sure we'll tell you.
Shizuru: There's a price to pay too.
Hiei: *whips out his wallet, prepares to sacrifice it* How much.
Genkai: Drink this!
Hiei: WHAT THE HECK IS IT???
Genkai: The price to pay for wanting to know.

 The stage gasps! Will MacHiei or will he not take a drink from the
boiling cauldron of nonsense previously spell-conjured by the three sinister
witches??? Attention is spent!

Hiei: What am I supposed to do with it?
Mukuro: Drink.
Shizuru: Think.
Genkai: Drink.

 There is a slight pause as all attention is focused on MacHiei
holding a cup of what contained the cauldron. He bends down one knee, and
drops a drop of the water onto the stage floor.

Mukuro: Would you look at the floor melt. Umhmm...
Shizuru: More stage holes...
Genkai: Drink.

 And because BanKuramaQuo is MacHiei's 'father', we shall credit the
bills of this repair to his account again. You owe me two stage holes being
patched up, Kurama.

Kurama: I DO NOT! AND DISQUALIFY KARASU FROM THIS PLAY AT ONCE!!!

 I can't hear you... and look! Here is something raising up from the
hole MacHiei just made on the floor! Rinko, with cap, yo-yo and all surfaces
from the hole, face swiped in something which definitely, DEFINITELY smelled
like tomato sauce mixed with ribena and chili.

Rinko: MacHiei! MacHiei! Beware MacYuusuke! Beware the Thane of Fife, beware
him, or die.
Genkai: He disappears!
Hiei: WAIT A MINUTE- what kind of a prophetic warning is that? I can do
better than that! I will not only beware MacYuusuke, I will toast him roast
him bake him steam him fry him freeze him thaw him stamp on him twist him
barbeque him encapsulate him destroy him curse him disable him and in other
words kill him-
Mukuro: Shut up.
Shizuru: They will not be commanded.

 There is yet another jet of smoke! We hear the hissing of the smoke
machines, churning up layer after layer of dry ice...

Yukina: Smoke machine?
Kuwabara: HOW DARE YOU CALL YUKINA-SAN A SMOKE MACHINE! I, Otoko Kuwabara
will- ugh...

 That's it, I'm changing the final scene of the play. Kuwabaracolm
is exterminated and MacHiei remains in power. Bye bye, end of story.

Kuwabara: ...
Kurama: Hey! Come on! No need to get so stressed over everything...
Kuronue: Ugh, in case you weren't observant enough, the author's prelims are
up. The author is in a state of frenzy. The author...
Karasu: Has lost ALL writing touch.
Koenma: I sympathize...

Hiei: I DON'T CARE! FINISH THIS ACT FIRST!
Kurama: If you say so, MacHiei-sama.

Mukuro: There is a second apparition!
Shizuru: Oh boy... it's Jin in another one of his tomato experiments...
Jin: CRAP! I'm going to abstain from tomatoes forever after this!
Hiei: And what do YOU have to say, tomato boy?
Jin: I'm telling you to not believe a single pooh these transvestites are
forcing me to tell you!

Kurama: *JIN*

Jin: ... oh be brave, MacHiei!
Hiei: I AM!
Jin: LET ME FINISH!
Hiei: NO!
Jin: WELL I'M FINISHING IT ANYWAY! No one born of woman shall harm MacHiei!
Now someone just GET THIS SHAMPOO OFF MY HAIR!!

Kuwabara: Sham... poo? Tomato... shampoo?
Kurama: That's right. It's rich in vitamin C, gives you vibrant hair and
most endearing of all, keeps your hair red.
Koenma: Kurama is being very silly today.
Kurama: What was that, baby?
Koenma: Did you EVER have red hair as a youko?
Kurama: Ugh no. There weren't any decent tomatoes in the Makai.
Koenma: ...
Kurama: All the tomatoes were youkaivorous.

--> Cut "Return of the Killer Tomatoes"

Yuusuke: I think we need to stop sidetracking.

Hiei: BWAHAHAHAHAHAH! Then what do I need to fear MacYuusuke for if I may
fear no man born of woman? Of course, to make sure, I'll still roast him...
so...
Genkai: Hushy! Here's anothery!
Hiei: ...
Hinageshi: What would MacHiei fear if he would not be defeated until an
entire woods move to his royal Kastle?
Hiei: WAHAHAHAHAHAH! Even better! Which tree uproots itself and walks, as if
of their own free will towards a destination?

Karasu: My Kastle trees are very different.
Kurama: Shut up.
Karasu: Ho ho! Is my fox talking to me?
Kurama: GIA! GET AWAY!
Karasu: Ugh ugh, not this time!

Hiei: But tell me more! Or I shall Kokuryuuha the whole lot of you.
Mukuro: And I shall cut the paper dragon up again.
Hiei: ...
Mukuro: If you wish for us to grieve your heart, then we shall.
Hiei: Grieve me, then. I have no fear of what may come be.
Shizuru: Appear!
Genkai: Show!
Mukuro: HERE! The leaders of this country you now possess, come thy kings
in here they rest...

Kurama: *runs across the stage* WAAAAAAAH!
Karasu: *right behind him* Come on! It's just a bomb!
Hiei: What?!
Kurama: *runs across again* NOOOOOOO!!
Karasu: *right behind him* It won't hurt you!
Hiei: Don't tell me... !
Kurama: *and again* YOU'RE SICK!!!
Karasu: *right behind him* It'll be a quick, painless death...
Hiei: This can't be true!
Kurama: *one more time* YOU CAN BOMB YOURSELF!!!!
Karasu: *right behind him* Here foxie foxie foxie...
Hiei: You three transvestites! STOP THOSE APPARITIONS!
Genkai: What apparitions!
Kurama: *sprinting across the stage now* I AM NOT A CAT!!!!!
Karasu: *right behind him* Could've fooled me.
Hiei: THAT apparition! You said you'd show me a succession of the kings to
rule after me!
Shizuru: Ugh...

Koenma: *whispers* SO SORRY! Something's wrong with the apparition
machine...
Botan: What shall we do now?

Hiei: You said you'd show me a line of kings! Why do I only see that Youko
Kurama in his ningen form running around? Don't tell me...
Mukuro: Hm.
Shizuru: Possible.
Genkai: Kurama's descendants, king theretobe.
Hiei: I think I feel ill...
Genkai: Well you can go on feeling ill.
Shizuru: We're outta here.
 [exit stage right in a puff of Kuronue's Makai Mist™
Koenma: Good MacHiei!
Hiei: WHAT!!
Koenma: What 'WHAT!!'?
Hiei: Grrrr...
Koenma: MacYuusuke's tittered to England.
Hiei: Oh has he?
Koenma: Oh he has.
Hiei: All right then. Go to the Kastle and await further instructions.
Koenma: Orders taken, my lord.
 [Total exit

Keiko: Just what has MacYuusuke done?
Koenma: You must be patient, Keiko.
Keiko: I don't see how MacYuusuke had any! He may have fled the land for an
honorable cause, but fleeing is a coward's deed.
Koenma: Now isn't that true...

Yuusuke: KOENMA!

Koenma: All in all, you do not know his difficulties.
Keiko: What difficulties does he has that I don't? One entire castle, his
entire horde, can I but decide and precede over all at once?
Koenma: Keiko, there are many things in life that are unforeseen.
MacYuusuke's flying off to England was totally accidental - hey, Keiko you
slapped him so hard he just flew there! - but here I shall have to leave you
less MacHiei think his Kokuryuuha needs to eat something tonight.
Astalavista, Keiko. I'll be back.
Puu: Puu!
Keiko: Oh well, your father's dead, Puu-chan. How will you live?
Puu: Puu!
Keiko: Puu!
Puu: Puu!
Keiko: Puu!
Puu: Puu!
Keiko: Puu!
Puu: Puu!
Keiko: Puu!
Puu: Puu!
Keiko: Puu!
Puu: Puu!
Keiko: Puu!
Puu: Puu pu pu puuuuu pu pu puuuuuu!
Keiko: I see!

Jin: Puu, my lady.
Keiko: Puu!
Jin: Let's take our discussion in a language everybody understands.
Keiko: Puu by me!
Jin: If you can take my word, I tell you, my lady, escape the castle now.
There is great danger approaching.
Keiko: But where should I go?
Karasu: NOWHERE!
Keiko: WAAAAAH!
Yomi: By order of... King... MacHiei... we art here to find MacYuusuke.
Keiko: He's gone. He's not here. And I hope you'll never find him.
Kuronue: He's betrayed MacHiei.
Puu: PUUUUUU!!
Karasu: Yo. What a cute little thing. I think I like you.
Yomi: Ugh oh.
Kuronue: I second that.
Karasu: And you know what I do to things I like?
Keiko: NO!
 [enter bomb sound, 'boom blast kabish baaaaam'
Keiko: PUU!!
Kuronue: Oh be quiet, it's your turn to make the grand exit.
Keiko: *runs* Murder!
Kuronue, Yomi and Karasu: Here we go...

Genkai: This play is getting stifling without a narrator.
Shizuru: Then we've gotta compromise.
Mukuro: The three murderers exit, the stage rotates and here we are in a
room of the King of England. Kuwabaracolm and MacYuusuke are talking.

Yuusuke: Yo, Kuwabara!
Kuwabara: What's up, Urameshi?
Yuusuke: Nothing. I got slapped by Keiko again. And, as usual, Hiei is
making a mess out of political affairs.
Kuwabara: Is he?
Yuusuke: Haven't you ever thought of regaining the throne?
Kuwabara: What throne?
Yuusuke: I always believed you were stupid, Kuwabara. And you have never
failed to live up to expectations.
Kuwabara: Huh?
Yuusuke: Never mind. I think Scotland will DIE under your rule. I'd rather
the vile MacHiei rule it.
Kuwabara: ...
Yuusuke: So long! I think Scotland is doomed.
Kuwabara: Wait, Urameshi.
Yuusuke: *turns around* What.
Kuwabara: AHAHAHAHAHAH! I was only testing you! Now that you have proved
your intelligence, AHAHAHHAHAHA! I shall let you know what plans I have for
the restoration of the throne!
Yuusuke: I'm listening.
Kuwabara: I shall...
Yuusuke: Umhmm?
Kuwabara: ... FIGHT THE SHRIMP! BWAHAHAHAHHA! And I shall win!

Voice: ATchooO!
Voice 2: Are you all right, Hiei-san?

Yuusuke: YOU IDIOT! STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID!!! What
kind of plan is THAT??
Kuwabara: A 100% successful plan! I, Otoko Kuwabara shall win the shrimp and
win Yukina-san's heart... AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Yuusuke: ... *I think I'd better do the rebellion alone*
Kuwabara: Of course! Ten thousand onis shall help me, courtesy of Koenma.
Koenma: I'm here yes, what do you want?
Yuusuke: What's going on in Scotland now? Other than the fact that it's
in uproar, chaos, confusion, clutter snutter, total disorder, a complete
mess with every citizen in fear of being the next Kokuryuuha dinner,
derangement, disarray and a state of widespread fear and disease, what's new
in Scotland?
Koenma: Hmm... there was this chicken epidemic and sudden outbreak of Yuu
Yuu Hakusho craze and a completely inhumane wipeout of the Urameshi
family... nope, nothing's new.
Yuusuke: ...
Kuwabara: We're planning a rebellion.
Koenma: Oh really. I never knew that was possible, Kuwabara.
Yuusuke: What did you say?
Kuwabara: We're not really rebelling, of course, since I *AM* the rightful
heir to the throne.
Koenma: Hm.
Yuusuke: WHATDIDYOUSAYKOENMA?!?!
Koenma: I... I said 'Hm'!
Yuusuke: Before that.
Koenma: 'Oh really. I never knew that was possible, Kuwabara' ???
Yuusuke: MY FAMILY! YOU SAID SOMETHING ABOUT MY FAMILY!!
Koenma: Oopsy...
Yuusuke: Answer me very truthfully.
Koenma: O... Okay.
Yuusuke: MacHiei wiped them out?
Koenma: Very literally, he did.
Yuusuke: Not one is left now? Keiko? Puu?
Koenma: I think I've made myself very clear.
Yuusuke: CURSE YOU HIEI!! OUCH! All right all right! I'm SORRY! Let me
repeat that line: CURSE YOU MACHIEI!! I'll have my revenge...
Kuwabara: Join me, Urameshi, Koenma. We will squash MacHiei like the prawn
he is.
Koenma: I'm neutral, leave me out. I'll just stick by to see the conclusion.
Yuusuke: MUKURO! RETURN ME MY REIKI!! I need it!

Mukuro: Oh dear... I think I misplaced it. Either that, or I used it to
attack Yomi's territory already...
Yomi: Oh really, half robot?
Mukuro: Yes, really, blind man.
Yomi and Mukuro: *fuming*

Genkai: All in all, it was a... erm... unsuccessful act...
Shizuru: Thanks for your patience... stay tuned for more...
Mukuro: Come come, let's away. The night... is fast approaching...

END ACT 4
 
 
 

Back to Act Three
Act Five