MacHiei

by Pan
 
 

Act Five
 

Night, has approached. And indeed, night is an abstract topic.
When we think of night, we think of things that go bump, we think of the
boogie man who's probably boogieing to the latest Christmas Macarena dance
in your basement right now. We also think, though very reluctantly, of this
boy we call MacHiei...

 Welcome, to the final Act of the most boring solo parody ever. Let
me, do the honours of reciting a little poem for the celebration of the
ending of the most boring solo parody ever.

Hiei and Yukina went up a hill
to fetch a pail of whateeeeeeeeever.
But Hiei rolled down, got into a fight
and Yukina dropped tear gems foreeeeeeeeeeeever.

Kurama: Somebody, SHUT the author up. We can handle this play very well
without you, thank you.

 If you say so. I'm off to study my Principles of Accounts then.

Kamiya: It's been two nights, Botan. If what you say is true... ?
Botan: I say everything in the truth. Keep watch. Oh! Here she comes!
Observe her, that is all I ask of you to help my lady.
Kamiya: ... Her eyes are open.
Botan: But can she see? She is still fast asleep, I assure you.
Kamiya: What's she doing? Does the floor require so much scrubbing?
Botan: I don't know! You're the doctor!

Yukina: Yet here's a spot!

Kamiya: She speaks! Let me write this down...

Yukina: Out, damned spot!... Hark! It is the noise of the Kokuryuuha! It's
time to do the deed... Meikai is murky... fie my lord, would you do anything
for me? Oh, but who would've thought the old man would dirty the floor so
much!!

Kamiya: Do you mark that?

Yukina: The castle of Fife had there a wife; where is she now?... Oh my!
Mayhaps I should use Astonish the miracle stain remover to clean these
stains?... Who is it in fiery locks who so grasps your attention, Hiei-san?

Kamiya: Oh my gosh... I think we'd better stop here...
Botan: She has spoken what she should not have... who knows exactly what
she's known and seen.

Yukina: Here's the stain still! How can I remove it before Hiei-san comes
back? Oh, oh oh!

Kamiya: What a sigh.
Botan: Tragic...
Kamiya: Well well well.
Botan: So what's the verdict?
Kamiya: There's nothing wrong with her.

Yukina: Hiei-san, BanKuramaQuo is dead. He cannot haunt you, so remain the
usual stone-faced fire demon you are, Hiei-san!

Botan: How can there be nothing wrong with her when she raps about dead
people all the time while sleepwalking?!
Kamiya: Hey, if she raps about dead people you should get an exorcist, why
me?
Botan: 'Coz you're cheap! OKAY?

Yukina: Come, Hiei-san. Knock knock are you there? What's done cannot be
undone, Hiei-san. Let's retire to the chamber.
 [exit

Kamiya: I tell you frankly, Botan. This is beyond my practice. I only know
how to send mosquitoes after people in an attempt to turn them into green
ghouls. I tell you, you'd better get a priest for her, I can't do anything
to help the poor lady. She has to help herself.
Botan: Some kind of help you're giving.
Kamiya: Keep all sharp stuff away from her. Good night.
Botan: No, good doctor, it is a bad night.
 [total exit

Hiei: *rushes in like a madman* HAHAHAHAH! I don't believe anything you say!
The Kastle will not be defeated until the woods moves towards here!
Koenma: But Lord MacHiei..
Hiei: BWHAAHAHAHAH!
 [exits
Koenma: Oh boy.
Jin: KoenmaRoss!! Thane KoenmaRoss!
Koenma: What is it?
Jin: *huff puff* The... The English force is moving in! The Kastle is
doomed, I tell you! We cannot repel all of them alone! Best be we deflect to
the other side!
Koenma: Err... Jin?
Jin: Hurry, Thane KoenmaRoss!
Koenma: No need to be so upset. It's all right... I can see that Lord
MacHiei has gone off his bonkers, I'm not blind.
Jin: SO??
Koenma: The point is, I've already arranged to meet up with MacYuusuke and
the English force outside the woods. Prepare yourself Jin, we're going to
be gone soon.
Jin: ...
Hiei: *re-entering* YOU TWO!
Koenma and Jin: *electric shock*
Hiei: What're you standing there for?
Koenma: L... Lord MacHiei... *bows* There are news of deflection... within
our midst.
Hiei: Let them fly for all I care! I am strong, I shall be defeated of no
one born of woman, and the Kastle stays in my grasp for as long as the woods
moves herein! MWAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Jin: Bu... But Lord... I saw ten thousand... ten thousand...
Hiei: WHAT? GEESE??
Jin: So... soldiers... from the English side.
Hiei: Damn them all black! COME ON! We're getting ready to fight. Bring me
my katana!
Koenma: Yes... Lord...
Jin: Thane KoenmaRoss!!
Koenma: It is the one last service for what could have been a glorious era
by a tragic King, Jin. Let me finish this.
Jin: ...

Kamiya: Good morning... ugh...
Hiei: Bad morning to you too, Doctor. How is Yukina.
Kamiya: ... good physical... condition... but her mental health...
Hiei: Cure her. I will give you anything.
Kamiya: I'll see what I can do... but...
Hiei: And if you could too, cure this sickly country I rule.
Kamiya: ...
Hiei: All right, Koenma, you're dismissed.
 [exit in a huff
Koenma: *pats the Doctor's shoulder*
 [exit the other direction
Kamiya: If I was far away from this place, I tell you, money again will
hardly draw me here!

Mukuro: There is a turn of the stage, and we come across a portion of the
rotating stage which is overgrown with the canopy and undergrowth of all
types imaginable. MacYuusuke and Kuwabaracolm march in, proudly.

Kuwabara: What the-
Yuusuke: What's this?
Kuwabara: Darn, it's so dark here...
Yuusuke: I can't see a thing! What *is* this place?
Mysterious voice: It's called a forest.
Yuusuke: GIAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO???
Mysterious voice: Why bother who calls? I'm here to help.
Kuwabara: REI KEN!
Mysterious voice: GIAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Don't do that, Kuwabara!
Yuusuke: KoenmaRoss? I thought you were with MacHiei?
Koenma: Notice the word 'WERE'.
Jin: Yeh.
Yuusuke: JIN?
Koenma: MacHiei is a little crazy. It's a good time to attack.
Kuwabara: But... it's so dark here...
Yuusuke: You idiot! Chop off all the tree branches, let the light shine
through!
Kuwabara: Hey, why didn't I think of that?
Koenma: ~Sigh... and why don't we use some natural camouflauge while we're
at it? Everybody take a chopped off tree trunk and hide your faces with it.
Like this, MacHiei will never know how many are really coming...
Jin: Stands to our advantage.
Yuusuke: I like that.
Kuwabara: ALL RIGHTY! Everybody summon your weapons and chop down the trees!

Kurama: BE GENTLE!

Yuusuke: Yes... yes...
 [total exit

Genkai: The stage turns again, to be back at the scene where MacHiei had
previously left off. He is looking crazy. Deranged. Ultimately conkers...

Hiei: SHUT UP, WOMAN!

Genkai: *Rei gan in preparation*
Shizuru: Genkai-shihan... please don't! Save this for the last attack!

Hiei: AAAAAH! Gimme your best shot, MacYuusuke! I'll make sure you become
black dragon biscuits after this! AHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!

Woman's voice: *shrieks and cries*

Hiei: *Yukina!* Hold, what was that cry?
Botan: ::sob sob:: The Queen, my Lord...
Hiei: What's wrong with Yukina?
Botan: BOO HOO HOO!! She's... she's...
Hiei: WHAT???
Botan: KILLED HERSELF!!! Oh now you made me say it! WAAAAAAAAAH~~~ !
 [runs off
Hiei: How could this be?

}== Cut "My heart will go on"

Hiei: What is the Jagan for? What is a youkai? And me, what am I? If I can't
even... protect the one... I love most... now...

Yukina: (backstage) Hiei-san...

Hiei: Yukina...

Yukina: (backstage) moreteargemsontheloose

Hiei: THEN SO BE IT! Without Yukina, there is no motive in life. I have
grown weary, but I will die fighting... if not for myself, for Yukina...

Yukina: Hiei-san...
Kurama: There, there Yukina... it's just a play...
Yukina: Kurama-san! BOOO HOOO HOOO!!! I miss my brother so much when I see
Hiei-san like this!
Kurama: -GULP-

Botan: Lord MacHiei!
Hiei: What now.
Botan: I... I can't believe my eyes when I saw it, but still, it was the
fact, there standing and moving right in front of me, undeniably I knew I
couldn't have mis-seen it and...
Hiei: Thy story quickly, patch!
Botan: YES SIR! The woods is moving towards the Kastle!
Hiei: If you're lying, one swipe of this katana will send your head off.
Botan: *squeals* I'M NOT LYING!
Hiei: Fine. Curse those witches and die... I don't care about anything now.
Yukina... here I go... !
 [runs out

Kurama: Yukina... it's all right, you can open your eyes now...
Shizuru: Comfort her, Kurama.
Kurama: I'm trying. Doesn't seem to be of any help.
Mukuro: And now we have almost come to a standstill. MacYuusuke and his
comrades have finally finished walking the walk, fooling the fool and
playing the play.

Yuusuke: Let's go, people!
Kuwabara: YEH!
 [throws down sticks and branches, moves towards Kastle
Shura: Come out, cowardly MacHiei who unrighteously killed King Raizencan to
claim the throne as your own!
Hiei: Yeh, I'm here. What do you want?
Shura: A fight!
Yomi: Hoh hoh hoh... beware, Hiei, my son is an S-class.
Hiei: Hn.

Mukuro: My heir draws his sword! He engages in battle with Yomi's son! The
crowd gasps in awe at how real the strokes are!

Hiei: Take this, Jaou Ensatsu Rengokushou!
 [a bright flash of Makai fire
Shura: AAAAAAA!
Yomi: Shura!
Hiei: Hn. So what if he's S-class. I have more experience than him.

Yukina: (backstage) Go Hiei-san go!
Kurama: -sweatdrop- Errr... Yukina...
Yukina: Hiei-san GO!

Hiei: All right, who's next!
Everyone else: *cowers in fear*
Hiei: Hn.

Yukina: (ala cheerleader) Hiei-san! Hiei-san!
Kurama: NO no, Yukina, wrong baton routine. Let me show you how...
Kuronue: What? You know cheerleading?
Kurama: Of course I- wait a minute, what're you doing here? Aren't you out
with the rest at the final showdown?
Kuronue: I skipped it. *cackles*
Yukina: (still ala cheerleader) Hiei-san! Hiei-san!

Hiei: Hark... do I hear Yukina call me... Yukina...
 [flits off
Yuusuke: I'm here! WHEREFORE... ugh...
Yomi: Bad timing. MacHiei just flitted off.
Yuusuke: Cripes! Now we've got to postphone the Act to find him again?!

 A flash of foreboding lightning.

Voice: There is no need. I know where he is.
Yuusuke: Who? Where?

 And the Voice reveals himself.

Voice: Here.
Yuusuke: Yes, you hell-hound.
Hiei: ...
Yuusuke: You killed my family.
Hiei: You betrayed my sovereignty.
Yuusuke: Only because you betrayed Raizen's.
Hiei: I will not fight you.
Yuusuke: Scared, o great MacHiei?
Hiei: I have killed too many of yours.
Yuusuke: Then it is a guilty conscience. *rei gan in preparation* Meet your
doom, MacHiei...
Hiei: I will be killed by no man born of woman.
Yuusuke: We shall see! REI GAN! WHAT THE-

Mukuro: Oops... I forgot to return him his reiki after the cauldron scene...

Yuusuke: MUKURO!!!!!!!!!!!
Hiei: Told you.
Yuusuke: So what. Without my reiki, I still have my fists.

 MacYuusuke swings a punch to be easily dodged by a fast falling
asleep MacHiei. Audiences, let's hear another poem about Baa Baa Silver Fox
have you any tails...

Kurama: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!!

 Fine...

Mukuro: Genkai-san, please help me return the reiki to Yuusuke.
Genkai: Okay.

Yuusuke: You little detestable thing. Let me tell you then, MacHiei, that
MacYuusuke was from his mother's womb, untimely ripped.
Hiei: !
Yuusuke: So, *rei gan again in preparation* since I am of no woman born, I
shall be the one, and only man, to kill you...
Hiei: Curse the three transvestites and those who believe them... *prepares*
I will not give up without a fight! And you have no rei ki!

Genkai: Yuusuke!

Yuusuke: Who says so?

Genkai: I'm returning this to you now!

Yuusuke: REI...

Genkai: Rei gan!

Yuusuke: GAN!!
 [side steps, allows Genkai's gan to blast at Hiei
Hiei: What the-
Yuusuke: Baaaaaaaaaaka.
Hiei: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~~~~~~~~ !!!

Yukina: HIEI-SAN!!!
Kurama: No Yukina, you CANNOT go onto stage now!

Yuusuke: *takes Hiei's katana* Surrender, tyrant, or lose your head.
Hiei: I will not yield to kiss the ground before the baffoon Kuwabaracolm's
feet.
Yuusuke: Then you have decided your fate.

 MacYuusuke raises MacHiei's katana, gleaming silver with gloominess.
MacHiei looks up at MacYuusuke with not a drop of remorse or a trace of
fear, merely meeting his determined eyes with determined hopes.

Yuusuke: So ends your tyrannic rule in Scotland, MacHiei.
Hiei: Hn.
Yuusuke: SO LONG!

 He brings the blade down! SUDDEN BLACKOUT!

Hiei: *shout of pain*

 There is a sharp piercing sound, as MacYuusuke's terrible laughter
fill the void in gaps of our ears. The lights return!

Yuusuke: We have triumphed, fellow comrades!

 And there was MacHiei, lying in a pool of crimson blood with his
back to the audience. Cold... and... unmoving...

Kuwabara: You've killed the shrimp, Urameshi?
Yuusuke: YES I HAVE! AHAHAHAHAHAH!!
Kuwabara: AHHAHAHAAHHA!!!
Koenma: My two noblemen...
Kuwabara and Yuusuke: AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
Koenma: ~Sigh. The tyrannic rule has ended in Scotland, my dear audiences.
MacHiei lays on the ground, dead as a doornail and trembling not even in our
midst. The skies are free! There is no more fear embedded in our midst...
Live happy, people of Scotland!
Everyone else: Long live the new crowned King, Kuwabaracolm!
Kuwabara: AAHAHAHAHAH! Thank you thank you!
Koenma: [aside] Sometimes, I wonder if MacHiei would be a better king...
or... Kuwabaracolm...

Mukuro: Who knows.

 And thus we end the mythical tale of a Shakespearean play challenge,
Macbeth, or now more known as MacHiei...
 Thank you, kindest attentions and audiences. As usual, we entreat
you to stay tuned for more...

END ACT 5
 
 
 

Back to Act Four
Pro-Epilogue