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The Old Wild West is full of tales
Of outlaws with their crews.
Upon wild steeds they’d do their deeds
That would marvel me and you.
But there was a man you may not know,
A man so foul and rank.
For from his ass came toxic gas
And his name was Flatulent Frank.
As a child he was a good, sweet boy
No different than any other.
But during a sneeze he cut the cheese
Which killed his dear ol’ mother.
And as he grew into a man
More deadly he became.
For who could bare such deadly air
That could cripple, blind, and maim.
So out of fear the town folks said
“This hazard’s got to go.
For if he came near open flame
The whole damn town might blow!”
With guns held high the sheriff said
“Frank, be on your way!”
And with a stare, Frank said “Beware -
I’ll return again someday.”
Out on the open prairie
Frank vowed he would return
He’d create a rift with his evil gift
And watch the whole town burn.
For ten long years he roamed the plains
And hardened his black heart
He had no fear, for with his rear
Could wilt cactus with his farts.
And now the time had come for Frank
to seek his just revenge
He’d burn and pillage the whole damn village
And skin and hair would singe.
While walking up the town’s lone street
He offered not a greeting.
He had a date; would not be late
For the local town hall meeting.
When Frank burst through the wooden doors
The town folks turned and gazed.
And in a pause they dropped their jaws
And stared at him amazed.
A hush fell thick upon the room
As Frank walked to the stage.
He turned around and stared them down
With eyes afire with rage!
“I said I would return again
And see that you all pay.
And now alas, I’ll use my ass
To blow this town away!”
The once brave men began to pale
And women started fainting.
For they had learned his farts could turn
The mills on an old Dutch painting!
Then panic filled the town hall room
As folks let out their howls.
No mortal man could hope to stand
Against Frank’s cursed bowels.
Then Frank released his mighty blast
A cloud like acid rain.
Metal rust and wood combust
And people wailed in pain!
But Frank just kept on farting
Berserk he seemed to be.
His deadly gas had now, alas
Reached maximum density!
With a blinding flash and mushroom cloud
I’m sure you can surmise
For miles around the little town
All things were vaporized!
The fallout spread across the plains
On up to the Rio Grande
And did you know few things will grow
Upon that poisoned land.
So now I’ll bet my homestead
And all the money in my bank
Next time it thunders, you’re going to wonder
Is it the Ghost of Flatulent Frank.
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