Shaun Watson reviews...

Movie poster from the Internet Movie Database In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale dir: Uwe Boll based on the video game by Chris Taylor Starring: Jason Statham as Farmer Kristanna Loken as Elora John Rhys-Davies as Merick Leelee Sobieski as Muriella Matthew Lillard as Duke Fallow Burt Reynolds as King Konreid Ray Liotta as Gallian Claire Forlani as Solana Ron Perlman as Norrick and Brian White as Commander Tarish, AKA "the Blackman"

It's been a while, but I have a birthday to commemorate. And what better way than to write a review on a site I haven't touched in a year? I probably don't get a lot of readers, but that'll change soon. Once I start on the sequel to the Necromancer's Fury, I'll get more work done on this baby. To brass tacks: the real reason why I'm writing a review about a director I used to hate--yes, USED TO--is because I have decided to make a compilation of reviews, to show Herr Direktor's progress from his big break(House of the Dead) up to his latest film. The latest film is the one I review now with the mouthful of a title In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale.

The movie is one of several video game properties Herr Direktor picked up around 2004(as mentioned in the Bloodrayne review) to make a quick buck off a pre-existing video game storyline. Dungeon Siege is a a game where you quest to rid the world of great evil from humble beginnings as a farmer to a mighty warrior or spellcaster. There are other character along the way to help and they join your quest, making it a lot easier to take it to evil's face. It's a cool game that has spawned 2 sequels and more expansion packs, and now a movie.

Our story follows the mysterious man known only as Farmer(Jason Statham, The Transporter, Transporter 2) and his pretty wife Solana(Claire Forlani, Meet Mr. Black, Mystery Men) and his nameless son(nameless for a reason). He lives a boring life and tries to keep to himself, even with constant pestering from his neighbor and friend Norrick(Ron Perlman, Hellboy, Quest for Fire) to join the army and fight back the subhuman menace known as the Krugs. Farmer politely declines the offer yet easily dispatches any Krug scouts on his land. It makes him wonder how he'll protect his family(duh, use your ass-kicking skillz) and who commands them. Who or what would do such evil things? WHO, I ASK YOU? WHO?!
The answer lies in the hands of a rival royal court magician Gallian(Ray Liotta, No Escape, Goodfellas), who schemes to take over the kingdom of Ehb from King Konreid(Burt Reynolds, Smokey and the Bandit, Cannonball Run) by force and fell magic. He's so sure he'll win that he has time to seduce Muriella(Leelee Sobieski, "Hercules(2005)"[TV], Never Been Kissed, Eyes Wide Shut) ina bid to overextend her father, the great royal magister Merick(John Rhys-Davies, Raiders of the Lost Ark). She holds the key to great magical power and if he can sap enough to become more powerful than Merick, Gallian would rule the kingdom...and he wouldn't stop there. Thankfully, he made the mistake of killing Farmer's son(toldja there's a reason) and in-laws, as well as kidnapping both Norrick and Solana. If he didn't we'd have no movie and I wouldn't be able to introduce these other characters in short order:

• the elf-like Elora(Kristanna Loken, Bloodrayne, "Mortal Kombat: Conquest"[TV]), who meets Farmer in the forest with her "dryad warriors",
• the King's nephew Duke Fallon(Matthew Lillard, Scream, Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed), a sniveling opportunist who conspires with Gallian in exchange for a stake in the new regime,
• Commander Tarish(Brian White, "The Shield"[TV], DOA: Dead or Alive, Stomp the Yard), AKA "the Blackman", captain of the King's personal guard, highly competent swordsman and nice guy all-around.

"Lo, I have defeated your Lillard-white ass again". The Blackman forces his enemy to yield and surrender.

What happens in this movie defies logic found in script-writing 101 classes at your local community college. People are harassed when they could just as well be back in their cells, warning signs are ignored, and Farmer is revealed to be King Konreid's long-lost son previously mentioned once or twice. The writer has even decided to throw in a Star Wars reference in poor taste. The movie culminates in a split battle between the Krugs and Konreid's forces, and the final showdown between Farmer and Gallian. Both fights rock face, but the ending was kinda left unfinished. With the final CG camera sweep over the mountains, one can only assume the entire script must have been a poor re-imagining to one of the better computer games out there.

Yeah. I said it.

• Uwe Boll has learned some more tricks since Bloodrayne, namely hiring great special FX artists and CG artists to realize the world of Ehb. Now, if he can learn to stay away from low rent writers, he'll have an Oscar for making Farcry.
• Something about Leelee Sobieski makes her really hot, enough to dispel any Helen Hunt Junior comments.
• Kristanna Loken. It seems she has a thing for bad movie roles. Looks like Kari Wuhrer has got some competition.
• Commander Tarish, AKA the Blackman. You have to understand that in every scene he shows exactly how much power he wields and his immense control of his blade. Fools still step to him and get dropped. I like that about the Blackman. The best part about him is that he almost died. ALMOST. That's more than I can say for the Dungeons and Dragons live-action movie, where not only did the kill the Black dude for sacrificing himself for the hero, they skipped out on the fact that the elf chick was Black too(not drow black, but light-skinned black).
• Ray Liotta, Burt Reynolds and John Rhys-Davies have no reason to be in a movie like this. I understand that Ron Perlman decided to make a movie prior to shooting Hellboy 2: the Golden Army and I was just waiting for Claire Forlani and Matthew Lillard to get this low(i.e., HORRIBLE ACTORS), but Rhys-Davies could beat the typecasting and I can only assume Liotta and Reynolds were blackmailed into this project.
• OK, so an unarmored guy with a crap sword can take on a Trenchcoat Mafioso wizard and survive? No amount of superfluous spinning or somersaults can save you from the inevitable, Jason Statham.
• Apparently, King Konreid has ninjas at his command...which begs the question: WHY THE HELL DIDN'T HE JUST SEND THE NINJAS TO FIND THE SOURCE OF THE INVASION AND KUNG-FU IT TO DEATH? Oh wait, because there'd be no movie, that's right...

"G-G-G-G-G-G-G G-UNIT!". The Blackman commands the King's mounted soldiers in the Guardian Unit, or G-Unit, to advance.

PRICELESS QUOTES:
When I was looking for reviews for this movie, I found a movie review message board, where almost anyone can write a movie review and message board members weigh in. One guy busted out this gem in response to the reviewer's description of Elora's dryad warriors:

"Uwe, you had me at 'Cirque du Soleil amazons.'"

King Konreid, as played by Burt Reynolds, sees the woodland battle going poorly for his men and gives a command to gain the upper hand. This command goes against the very nature of the Dungeon Siege world and is just plain silly:

"Send in the ninjas.'"

Even with all the flaws, I still found pleasure in watching a fantasy movie. And I always will. In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale., Uwe Boll's fourth American film, gets a ReViews rating of 6. Keep it up, Herr Direktor!, You'll hit the big time one day. When you do, I will be happy to see you there.

The Uwe Boll Collection contains:
House of the Dead | Alone in the Dark | Bloodrayne | In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

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