Shaun Watson reviews�

Movie poster from the Internet Movie Database House of the Dead dir.: Uwe Boll Starring: Jonathan Cherry as Rudolph "Rudy" Curien Tyron Leitso as Simon Clint Howard as Salish Ona Grauer as Alicia Ellie Cornell as Jordan Casper Will Sanderson as Greg Enuka Vanessa Okuma as Karma Sonya Salomaa as Cynthia Michael Eklund as Hugh David Palffy as Castillo Jurgen Prochnow as Capt. Victor Kirk -and- Kira Clavell as Liberty Penny Phang as Tyranny Bif Naked as the DJ

This is a story of three men and a woman: George Romero, Dr. Rudolph Curien, Milla Jovovich and Uwe Boll. George Romero is responsible for making the seminal zombie movie of the 20th Century, Night of the Living Dead(1968). The video game company CAPCOM, responsible for such classics as Power Stone[VG] and Mega Man 2[VG], created a game based on the zombie lore provided by Night of the Living Dead. The game was called Resident Evil(called Biohazard in Japan) and in its advertisements the term "survival horror" was coined. Sega thought they could one-up CAPCOM and decided to make a first-person shooter about survival horror and called it The House of the Dead--a house full of zombies created by Dr. Rudolph Curien. The movie industry--looking for movies to make but not bothering to write them--snapped up Resident Evil and turned it into the 2002 movie of the same name starring Milla Jovovich and directed by Paul Anderson. Uwe Boll, a German director, saw how well properties from different entertainment media were doing as movies--the Lord of the Rings trilogy and X-Men used as peripheral examples, but Resident Evil as the main focus. He figured that if Paul Anderson can make a movie about a zombie video game, why can't he? The ultimate combination of these four people--specifically the fourth--have given us the most horrible movie I have ever had the displeasure of watching: House of the Dead.

Our story opens up on a group of twenty-something teenagers going to a rave on a deserted island called "La Isla del Morte" or some shit like that. They miss the ferry to the island, but hitch a ride with gun-running Captain Kirk(Jurgen Prochnow, Das Boot, Ridley Scott's Dune) and his first mate Salish(the infamous Clint Howard, Apollo 13, Barb Wire). The teens are all flat stereotypes, per the norm:

• Simon(Tyron Leitso, "Dinotopia[TV]") the dumb, sensitive one
• Greg(Will Sanderson, Chea+ers) the dumber one
• Cynthia(Sonya Salomaa, SciFi Channel's "Legend of Earthsea"[TV]) the slutty one
• Karma(Enuka Vanessa Okuma, "Fifteen[TV]", Reindeer Games) the silly black chick
• Alicia(Mexican actress Ona Grauer, The Lizzie McGuire Movie, Catwoman) the hot fencing champion�whatever�and girlfriend to one of the dumb guys.

While most people were busy ruining their trigger fingers with THE HOUSE OF THE DEAD, I was learning to type with Sega's THE TYPING OF THE DEAD! Eat shit and die, Mavis Beacon!

They find a small house in the middle of a graveyard, where the survivors of the rave massacre are holed up. One of them had a video account of the carnage on his camera. They all look and see the impossible on the screen: zombies are killing stoned ravers left, right and center. The kids all assume the best course of action is to get off the island. True, but there are ninja zombies about. No matter: they'll just run past them like before. The kids make it to Capt. Kirk's boat and try to get away, but are held up by zombies. I think. At some point, they go back to get Capt. Kirk's stash of weapons on the island to save the three people left behind in the graveyard house - those being Alicia's ex-boyfriend Rudy(Jonathan Cherry, They, Final Destination 2), Hugh(Michael Eklund, Stark Raving Mad) and Rudy's new girlfriend Liberty(Kira Clavell, My Baby's Daddy). It's a stupid idea when faced with legions of ninja-like undead and most of your protagonists have never touched a gun, but I didn't write this. Thank God.
Somehow most of them survive the horribly choreographed yet still interesting gun battle, only to retreat deeper into the house. The house has tunnels and crap that leads to a zombie-filled labyrinth that leads to a secret lab housing an interesting plot twist: the reanimated corpse of a mad 17th Century priest turned mad scientist by the name of Castillo(David Palffy, Replicant, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever). There's some exposition and a swordfight between Castillo and Alicia. Both of them die and the only survivor - Rudolph "Rudy" Curien - is rescued by the Coast Guard. He goes to med school with the knowledge of Castillo's previous work and the dead body of Alicia, hoping to rekindle her life with the knowledge of undeath. Within the last two minutes of House of the Dead, you learn that this entire movie was a prequel to the video game.

Please make the hurting stop.

O beautiful for spacious skies For amber waves of grain For purple mountain majesties Above the fruited plain! America! America! God shed his grace on thee And crown thy good with brotherhood From sea to shining sea!

• Kira Clavell as Liberty and Penny Phang as Tyranny. A double dose of sexy Asians? This is great but not nearly as awesome as Fook Mi and Fook Yu, the Japanese twins from Austin Powers in Goldmember.
• Kira Clavell's Liberty fighting zombies with kung fu. I know she's the only main Asian in the movie, but just to see her high kick in her American flag spandex bodysuit was my highlight.
• I'd just like to state for the record that Kira Clavell is a raging hottie. Maybe it's my yellow fever. Who knows?
• Ah! I see Enuka Okuma has some work! It's been a long time since she played Kelly. It's a shame the people who worked on the teen drama "Fifteen"[TV] replaced her with Arseman. C'mon, who gets replaced by a person whose name begins with 'arse'?
• BIF NAKED! She's only on screen for seconds at a time, but I remember her distinctive look: tattoos, tank top, cargo pants and a jet-black bob to contrast her blue eyes and shiny piercings. One in a million, that Bif. If only she had some lines�
• I wonder if this movie is where the new Dawn of the Dead(2004) got its idea for "fast zombies'.

"Hey Jim."
"What, Swat."
[mouth on phone receiver]"THE HOUSE�OF THE DEAD"
"Okay, Swat."

"I BETTER NOT RUN INTO UWE BOLL ON THE STREET, 'CUZ I'LL END UP GOING TO JAIL!!!"

• House of the Dead sucks and should get a rating of 0, but it will get a rating of 1 because of Kira Clavell's portrayal of Liberty.
• The making of this movie qualifies as a crime against humanity, and I do not use this term lightly.
• Uwe Boll should be locked up and put under the jail until he learns to make a better movie.
• All who saw House of the Dead IN THE THEATERS should have the option of two things:
  1. a refund of their money spent on a ticket for the film
  2. a reissue of any free movie coupons used to see this film
• In addition to the compensation above, each person should receive a written apology for making House of the Dead signed and dated by Uwe Boll.
• Uwe Boll should present a public apology for making House of the Dead, like Vincent Gallo did for making The Brown Bunny.

May God have mercy on us all.

The Uwe Boll Collection contains:
House of the Dead | Alone in the Dark | Bloodrayne | In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

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