Shaun Watson reviews�

Movie poster from the Internet Movie Database Alone in the Dark dir: Uwe Boll Starring: Christian Slater as Edward Carnby Tara Reid as Aline Cedrac Stephen Dorff as Commander Burke Frank C. Turner as Fischer Mathew Walker as Professor Hudgens Fran�oise Yip as Agent Cheung Ho Sung Pak as Agent Marko Ona Grauer as Agent Feenstra and Catherine Lough Haggquist as Krash

And now a poem, based on the song that played over the credits of and dedicated to the Uwe Boll movie Alone in the Dark:

Appropriately bad poetry to match the opening narration text to what is truly a bad movie. Now don't get me wrong; there are certain genres and films that need an opening text scroll, like Red Sonja or Star Wars. This movie is nowhere near any of those classics.

When I looked at the poster and its piss-poor attempt to rip-off the Alien series, I knew it would suck. Hell, I knew it would suck when I heard about this movie being filmed when I last reported on it in House of the Dead. And yet I STILL went and saw it. After I vowed to never see another movie directed or produced by Uwe Boll(he and 8 other people are responsible for producing this, proving that too many cooks spoil the broth), I found out that his next movie is Bloodrayne, based on a game my buddy Ted play-tested. I wasn't interested until the cast was revealed and I learned that Kristanna Loken(T3: Rise of the Machines) was in it.
If you have ever seen the TV show "Mortal Kombat: Conquest" on the cable network USA in the mid-90's, you would've seen the aforementioned Miss Loken fight alongside Liu Kang's ancestor, Kung Lao. She played the role of Taja the thief, a spunky red-haired woman with a penchant for being disrobed 45 minutes into the hour-long show. With techno music blaring and superfluous flips abound, the show was a visual treat as well as a hilarious time-killer. It's not high drama, much like my favorite evening soap of all time, "Models, Inc." Back to Miss Loken: She has been cast as the titular character in Mr. Boll's upcoming movie & I can only hope she shows her boobs in this movie. Sadly, it's only two of three reasons I'll go see Bloodrayne; the third being Michelle Rodriguez(Resident Evil, The Fast and the Furious). So weep for me, for I have fallen into the hypnotic maelstrom of madness that is Uwe Boll�and boobs.

Alone in the Dark is based on the video game that chronicles the life of paranormal investigator and monster hunter Edward Carnby. He was a test subject in a secret experiment when he was an orphan. He got away before anything really bad could happen and grew up to be Christian Slater(Untamed Heart, True Romance, Heathers). Hunting down the monsters in this movie is tough work, because they are from the opposing shadow dimension to which a door was opened 1000 years prior by the Abskani Indians. The Abskani disappeared and left behind only fragments of their civilization, for future grave-robbers to disturb and unleash the necessary plot.
Such is the nature of Professor Hudgens(Matthew Walker), a mad doctor who miraculously came across a gold sarcophagus of Abskani design on the ocean floor. Unfortunately, he had the misfortune to hire greedy sailors(good help is so hard to find) and they let shadow monsters loose. Meanwhile at Random Museum of Ancient History, archaeology assistant Aline Cedrac(Tara Reid, American Pie, The Big Lebowski, Urban Legend) prepares and catalogs Prof. Hudgens' discoveries. Suddenly, Ed Carnby shows up. The movie starts to REALLY suck from that point on, because the monsters start to show up in force, all slithery and feral with lots of sharp bony protrusions. The problem with that is the monsters are supposed to be invisible. So how can we know so much about invisible monsters?
Enter "the Agency": a government organization that tracks and hunts the supernatural--namely the shadow monsters in this movie. This organization has six prominent members:

While the movie iself ended up sucking major balls, the major members of the cast and crew had fun, as shown in this picture. (l-r)Christian Slater, Stephen Dorff, some dude, Tara Reid and Uwe Boll.

• the antagonistic Commander Burke(Stephen Dorff, Blade, Cecil B. Demented, FearDotCom, Backbeat),
• forensics expert Fischer(Frank C. Turner, The Fly II, Air Bud, Snow Dogs),
• tough-talkin' Agent Cheung(martial artist Fran�oise Yip, Blade:Trinity, Romeo Must Die, Black Mask, Rumble in the Bronx, City Hunter 2),
• ill-fated Agent Marko(martial artist Ho Sung Pak, Legend of Drunken Master, "WMAC Masters"[TV]),
• Agent Feenstra(Ona Grauer, House of the Dead(2003), The Lizzie McGuire Movie), who dies an awesome death by the way, and
• technical expert Krash(Catherine Lough Haggquist, Scooby Doo 2, Paycheck), whose sole skill is twisting in her chair between computers.

The big, stupid conflict is that Hudgens plans to release the invisible monsters from ther nether-dimension, conveniently located beneath a farmhouse on "Shadow Island" or somesuch nonsense. It's up to Carnby, Alicia and Cmdr. Burke to essentially save the world by stopping an entire horde of the invisible beasties. Sure they can, but can they stop the tacked-on opening for a sequel? Can they survive the grand mal seizure that is the sex scene for at least "Seven Seconds"? Most importantly, can they stop Hollywood from funding yet another Uwe Boll masterpiece?

We all know the answer is no. Say farewell to the good movie, gone the way of the Abskani and every person who walked out in the middle of Alone in the Dark.

• Uwe Boll may not know how to direct, but his choices of movie score are great. The man has a brilliant career ahead of him as a music director or composer, provided he realizes that a musical score will not vindicate a bad movie, as was the case with this movie and House of the Dead.
• The heavy raccoon eyes and post-enchancement surgery swelling of Tara Reid. Looking a hot mess as always, you could tell she had a lot of fun making the movie and running about at Herr Boll's command. At least she enjoyed it.
• Ho Sung Pak. Why, God, have you cursed our great warrior Superstar with such foul roles? Such fare is not for the likes of Superstar!
• I want my own tough-talking paramiltary Asian chick now, thanks to agent Cheung.
• Dude, the gore effects were awesome. They may have skimped on plot and script, but the gore was top notch. Big ups to the special effects team, not to be confused with the CGI team. The fuckers.
• The "Seven Seconds" love ballad and the operatic "Angel" at the end credits.

Moments before Aline Cedrac(Reid) was trampled to death by an inanimate object. This movie was so stupid, that would've been an acceptable change of pace.

PRICELESS QUOTES and FEEDBACK:
When a package is brought to the museum for Prof. Hudgens, Aline receives the package and engages the guard in expository conversation. The guard then assumes aloud that the late nights cataloging must detract from the love life, to which Aline looks embarrased(for she has no love life) and she says:

"I'll be in my office�"

During the sex scene in which the "Seven Seconds" theme plays, it's clear that Tara Reid recently got a boob job. The tussling and outright wrestling between her and Mr. Slater must have been counter-productive to the healing process. In the next scene, Miss Reid's doing research on the computer and a groggy Carnby asks:

"What are we looking for?"

When Agent Marko falls down a tunnel and pulls a Prince of Persia, agent Cheung screams down the tunnel to him:

"MARKO!"

You already knew what this movie was getting the moment you started reading the review. Alone in the Dark, Uwe Boll's second American big-budget film, gets a ReViews rating of 0. I don't want to have to give another 0 to an Uwe Boll movie, so if Herr Boll is reading this�

BLOODRAYNE BETTER BE AWESOME, BITCH.

The Uwe Boll Collection contains:
House of the Dead | Alone in the Dark | Bloodrayne | In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

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