VERY DEEP THOUGHTS 4

• If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
• It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
• I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto you buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."
• If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hop He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
• Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!
• Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
• If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
• When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
• At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But thenI thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
• A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
• Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
• I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
• I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
• Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
• The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.
• I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
• I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks.
• When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet,I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again,louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
• He was a spy, all right, and he knew it. He would walk into a room and peoplewould go, :Who the fuck is that guy, a spy?" He'd laugh to himself, maybe pullout his gun and show it to the person, to kind of impress him (but not to showoff). Sometimes spying was dirty work. Sometimes he'd kill a guy, then paint a clown face on his face. Nobody said he had to do that, but he did it anyway. So, dirty work.
• I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."
• If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!

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