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VERY DEEP THOUGHTS

Deep Thoughts --------------- By Jack Handey

I hope that's enough to keep you happy for a while

  • Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why severalof us died of tuberculosis.

  • Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:"Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

  • It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
  • The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
  • I'd rather be rich than stupid.
  • If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
  • To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
  • We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
  • Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
  • To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered wherethis started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
  • As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
  • Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
  • If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
  • Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
  • You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
  • Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
  • If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
  • If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
  • If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

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