| Something to Think About |
| I think there is a certain tendancy among reformed folk to treat faith as an intellectual issue. Henceforth, conversations about faith become conversations about the precise meaning of grace and epistimology. But my dear brothers and sisters, we have forgotten that faith is an experiencial. People are not intimidated when talking about personal experience, they are only intimidated when out faith becomes an exercise for us to demonstrate our knowledge of theological constructs. As Tozer said, " Between the scribe who has read and the prophet who has seen there is a difference as wide as the sea. We are today overrun with orthodox scribes, but the prophets, where are they?." (Joel) |
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In this Galaxy of Emptiness you have contributed to, I could not even begin to explain how thankful I am of your major role in making it a vivid reality of my fantasy. You see, I've always been able to manage my emotions easily or at least to surpress it deep within myself. The link we once had was broken and I have to manage life without your presence around. Here I am trying to make the best of our situation. You said you would not ever accept my lifestyle and with utmost respect, I tried to understand your position.Now that things or the bond had come to an end, I am in a fix. You do understand withdrawal symtoms, don't you? I mean have you ever feel the itch to call someone up and hear the voice or wonder what 'person' might be doing at this very moment when you feel a growing rage to express your thoughts. To make things simpler, as you always wanted me to simplify things, I am Missing you, dammit! Could it be a sin to miss someone you left behind? I am only human and I do take sometime to heal to but I hope you know I'm thankful for your support and presence. I understand the turmoil you have in you. The decisions you have to make and the change in lifestyle you have to adopt to. Life was not easy when we were together, I know, but I do need you around. How can I explain these to you without us breaking into an arguements or dimissing it until morow. Why can't you see how easy it would be if you leave the hatred you sow between us and learn to accept me as I am. You repeatedly said I am not the person I used to be. Justify your words, please. But you would'nt be reading this anyway. You wouldn't be bothered anymore. Why am I still lingering? It was not as hard as you would expect it to be, did'nt you? It did not hurt as much, does it? All those words you threw my way. The promises and thoughts you fed me with. I hope for something I perfectly know would end and all because I BELIEVE YOU. (21st June 2002) |
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To you pal, Dont be disturb by these ramblings that I put up. You know you are special and the times we shared could never compete with whatever emotions you have. I'm sorry to keep you awake. Please understand I need to channel these thoughts. I didnt mean to keep you awake. I'm trusting you to see me beyond these. There are many shades to a color and I know the situation. So you figure it out huh? So, you think there isnt any need to get fussy about? Well, I'm glad you were able to see it from my point of view. I truely appreciate your efforts. No need to get bitter about it cos you behave the same way too. Should I blow up when you utter words that stoned me hard? Did I point it out to you? I'm trying to understand. Stare at yourself in the mirror and you'll see that you're no different from me.(2nd July 2002) |
| I've come to understand the world better then I did a few months back. Things come and go and emotions last forever then it should. I learn that every good things comes with its bad and thru every up, there is surely a down. I cant say that I've mature because that is surely ridiculous. I had experience some moments and learn through these mistakes. I notice a cycle in my life and even though I take the effort to prevent it, somehow the cycle keep on running. Maybe I am cursed with it, I dont know. I have grown to a person I sometimes wonder if I would be proud of. The first aim - the quit smoking. and second - to cut down on drinking. I'll succeeded, I tell you. All I need is motivation and the reason to. Tomorrow, I'll go see the doctor. I am falling apart - literally. I dont understand why. I was a healthy girl and now everything seems to go wrong. I hope it isnt some chronic diseases. That will surely freak me out, not to mention the effect it'll have on my love ones. (4th Feb 2003) |
| Evilness is tugging me to give in. I seek to dominate your mind with thoughts of me. Fufill me with dreams we both share. Let me tap into your source, the giver of your life and make you mine, totally mine. It isn't hard to let go. Why clinge on when there is a paradise awaiting you over the bridge? Do you remember the bridge filled with kisses as boats, bum boats chugged on pass and feces splatter across here to there - the past to the present.Let go and give in to me. You'll find your fingers will stick but you'll die smiling. (9th June 2003) |
Welcome to my world of kelaidescope hurt and hatred, of my love and my sorrows. I've been dying to express myself or at least ease my wrenched heart. This is self-indulging. I want to tell the world of issues from my point of view. I have always keep mum' about things and did'nt you say it was good for me to channel it somewhere productive.
It's you that I'm talking about. I'll haunt you in your deepest darkness hour.