Deutsch ANJA's Book  Preface Chapter 1  Chapter 2  Chapter 3  Chapter 4  Chapter 5  Chapter 6 

MOHAMED

"And among His signs is this, that He created for You mates from among Yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between Your (hearts)..." (30:21)

In the meanwhile at university daily life was going on. That very first day, when I went to class wearing the scarf, Heide had called me at night at the student homes. She had excused herself for not coming to class in the morning and asked right away: “Well? Did you wear the scarf? Tell me all about it.” I told her, that hardly anything had happened at all. She was content. And indeed she showed up in the same week at Arabic class wearing also a scarf. So we were already two.

After a short while the scarf became a normal part of life. My studies became more important again. I studied, studied and studied. Especially the Arabic class turned out to be quite time intensive. Unfortunately the results were rather disappointing. If we ever had hoped, soon to be able to talk Arabic, we had to accept that the university education is much too theoretical to achieve this goal.
More interesting were the weekly lectures of Professor Falaturi, which I still frequented. And while time was passing by, I finally did get to know other Muslim students.

But most of my time I still spend with Mohamed, my Egyptian neighbor. In Mohamed I had found someone, who showed a great interest in my life as Muslima. We were getting along very well. Actually soon I could hardly imagine life without him. And I didn’t want to miss him anymore. I had fallen in love. This seemed to have been reciprocal, as some time around the end of summer Mohamed asked me to marry him.
The question was no surprise for me. It was a predictable development that our friendship over short or long would end up in a marriage.  No believing Muslim will become friends with a woman, no matter how innocent the friendship may be, without the wish to legalize the relationship before God.  I am Muslima. So I accepted the proposal. We decided to marry as soon as possible.

Mohamed insisted though on first asking my father permission to the marriage. So we both traveled into the country. It became a relaxed afternoon, but somehow we didn’t seem to get the right opportunity to open the subject of marriage. So we had some cake, talked and enjoyed the nice atmosphere at my parent's house. The real reason for the visit came up, when we were already standing in the driveway, to say good bye. There Mohamed asked my father: “I would like to marry Anja. I am asking you for the hand of your daughter.” My father was speechless.  After a while he said: “Well, I guess, here you are at the wrong address. You have to ask Anja for herself. “
Slowly he realized, that the question hadn't been really a question, but rather a fact. A fact, that gave the whole story a surprising turn, at least for my family. My family had known about Mohamed and had seen him several times before. A friendship with a foreigner. Well, my parents are tolerant. And Mohamed is a nice guy. But to think about marriage changed the situation completely. Marriage is binding. It has consequences. Probably more than young people in love can imagine. My parents looked back on a lot of experience out of their own failed marriage.
That I now was about to marry, a foreigner, a Muslim, was frightening my family: “You hardly know each other.” – And Anja is still quite young with her 21 years of age.” –  "Maybe you should at first live together without marrying right away.”

This reaction was quite astonishing for Mohamed. He had the best and most serious intentions, but somehow everything was different in Germany. Even the thought to live with me without us being married was chilling him. Pre married intercourse is completely forbidden in Islam. “How can German parents offer her daughter for anything like that?”
That German daughters are not offered, but generally are leaving themselves, did seem to make even less sense to him.
But the main worry of my family were the children, that might arise from this union.  “The children don't belong anywhere.” –  “And what happens to the children in case of a divorce?” The magazines are full of stories of unhappy marriages and fathers that take their children abroad.
But that didn’t change our mind either. It might be a little too much asked of a couple in love to think about what might happen in case of divorce with the not yet existent children. Regarded from the Islamic point of view the mother takes care for them at least till puberty. The father pays. Of course he has the right to visit. That's what Islam says. What else needs to be said?

Mohamed's family wasn't too happy about our plans to marry either. That the son studies abroad is acceptable, but is it necessary to bring a wife from Germany? And who guarantees, that she'll ever come to Egypt at all? Probably she wants to stay with the beloved son in Europe. European women don't have the best reputation in Egypt anyhow. American and European movies and T.V. serials show an unpleasant picture.  The Western woman is egocentric. She loves money and diversion.  Adultery and divorce are normal. At least that is what shows day in day out on the T.V. screen.
And also Mohamed's family was worried about the not yet existent children: “And what happens to the children in case of a divorce?” The magazines are full of stories of unhappy marriages and mothers that take their children abroad.
A little comfort: “At least the bride has become Muslim.”

But both families rendered in the inevitable. And so we began to plan the wedding. Mohamed's parents would have liked, to have the wedding in Egypt. After all, Mohamed is not only the eldest of three children, but also the only son.  But a joint trip to Egypt wasn't planed before the next summer. And Mohamed and I weren't too thrilled of the idea to wait all that time before tasting the fruits of married life.
Marriage in Islam is actually no sacrament, but rather a civil contract between the bride and the groom which is made in accordance with Qur'an and the Sunnah, the example of the prophet Muhammad, in attendance of two witnesses. This contract isn't legally recognized in Germany, what implies the necessity to remarry at the marriage license bureau. For us it was important in the first place, to marry before God. The official marriage still had time.
We agreed to marry in Germany before God and in Egypt officially in the next summer. And over there we wanted to have the big wedding party.

But first we had to think about the preparations for the Islamic wedding. We decided to marry in a mosque to have a little more ceremony. But the location wasn't the major subject at this time. More important was to design a marriage contract we both would be satisfied with.
I didn't have any idea what to put into a marriage contract. So I consulted Muslim acquaintances as well as the Society for Bicultural Partnerships about what would be adequate.  I learned that the only element that is essential for an Islamic marriage contract is the mahr, the bride gift.  It is a marriage present, that the bridegroom gives to the bride. This present enters the private possession of the woman and serves mainly as financial security for her. The value of the bride gift should be set in accordance with the bridegroom's wealth.
Traditionally the present consists of gold jewelry. First of all gold is keeping its value, and secondly most women like jewelry. But every other present is permissible as well under the condition, that the woman agrees to it.
Farther it is usually fixed in the contract, what the bride should get in case of divorce.  Generally it is an indemnity, or the amount of the support payments. At the Society for Bicultural partnerships they advised me, not to put a too high value for indemnity. They knew of cases, where a couple couldn't get a divorce, though both wanted it, because the man couldn't raise the necessary sum of money to pay the set indemnity.
The general right of the woman to receive adequate support payments is already present in Qur'an (2:241). So it doesn't have to be put down in the marriage contract. Separation of property in marriage is also a component of general Islamic marriage legislation. It is the husband's duty to support the household financially. That is even valid, when the wife is working outside the house or owns much more property then her husband. The woman decides all by herself, what to spend her money on, and be it her 20th designer dress.
So what else could be agreed on? That is left for the imagination of the couple. A couple we know put into their contract, that the woman could stay in her job during the marriage. Others have in their contract what kind of family planing they will use - attested by a notary. But that is rather rare.
I thought, this kind of things were private and I didn’t see any need, to put them down in written form. Also I thought, if we wouldn't be able to agree on such questions later, maybe we shouldn't marry at all.
So we decided to just put down the bride gift and the indemnity for the – in my eyes improbable – case of divorce.
Now Mohamed wanted to know, what I would like to have for a bride gift.
Really I didn't want to have any big gift. Back then both of us were students. And Mohamed of course intended to support our household by himself after the wedding.  I believed that to be more than enough of a financial burden on him. He was only earning money with vacation jobs. Of course he earned as a male student some more in German companies, than I did, but still it wasn't that much.
So I said: ”Nothing. I don't need any gift.”
Well, Mohamed didn’t like this answer of course. After all the bride gift was my right and his Islamic duty. And his new wife shouldn't make herself too cheap either. So he didn’t stop asking. And after a while I got tired of all this questioning and said: “So give me ten bars of Kinderschokolade." That's a delicious German kind of chocolate, which I really love. After that he gave me a rest.

Finally the day of our wedding arrived. The ceremony was held in an Arabic mosque.  The mosque is the ground floor apartment in a five story house, that has been rented by an Arabic society. The apartment has a separate entrance, a small entrance room, two other rooms, one for men, one for women, as well as two bathrooms, again one for men, one for women. The floors are covered with carpet. In the men's room there is a bookshelf, in the entrance room a telephone and  in the women's room some desks and chairs, which could be rearranged to transform the room into a classroom. In the weekend the Arabic children were taught their mother language.  On Fridays people met in the mosque for the weekly congregational prayer, the Gumma Prayer, and in the evening they read Qur'an together. Most of the time the mosque was closed. But for special occasions – as a wedding – the Imam was always ready to open the mosque.  On this Tuesday afternoon he came especially for us.
And we made him wait. We actually were late for our own wedding. That was because we were in the middle of moving. Two days before the wedding Muslim friends had found a small basement flat for us. “After all you want to marry.” So during those two days we had found two students to take our rooms in the student homes, and had packed and transported all our belongings across the city to the new apartment. Till noon we had carried cartons. Then we had been shopping. An Islamic wedding should be celebrated if possible. At least a little. So we had bought fruits, sweets and soft drinks for our guests. We had hardly managed to clean ourselves up a little and change clothes before the set time arrived. Mohamed wore a dark suit, I a long dress, that Mohamed had brought for me as a present from his last trip to Egypt. Of course the dress was fully covering me and I was wearing the necessary scarf.
Once we arrived at the mosque, Mohamed immediately went through to the Imam, to talk with him about the details of our wedding ceremony. I went into the women's room, where our female guests had seated themselves.  Actually we had hardly invited anybody. Everything had been organized in such a short time. So there were only four of my friends there. Heide of course. We were seeing each other a lot these days. After all we were attending the same university classes. That day she was accompanied by Hamida and her daughter Nina, whom I recalled quite well from the women's meeting. And Fatima-Elizabeth was there. We had become good friends in the meanwhile. She had just returned from a trip to England, where she had spent her vacation. With all her luggage she had come right from the station to the mosque.
In the men's room there were present the Imam and our two witnesses – friends of Mohamed – and about twenty Arabic students. Nearly all of them were living at the student homes, but I hardly knew them by name.
Also my mother and brother had come. Of course I had told them about our intentions to have an Islamic wedding. I had explained, that this kind of marriage wouldn't have any legal consequences. So from a Western point of view it would rather equal an engagement than a marriage. So my father decided that it wasn't important enough to miss a teacher's conference, that was held the same afternoon. He was quite offended, when my brother told him afterwards, that he had missed my wedding.

When I entered the women's room my mother and Heide were in the middle of a discussion. The subject was of course the scarf. How could it have been any different. My mother had brought a scarf. It was her first time to visit a mosque. In Heide's opinion it was completely unnecessary for my mother to wear that scarf. After all she wasn't Muslim and everybody was aware of that fact. And a mosque is far from being a holy place, but rather a simple place of meeting. When I entered I was greeted enthusiastically. And now we all were waiting for the ceremony to start.
The Imam was also delighted that we had finally arrived. He wanted to start right away. Please, men in the men's room and women in the women's room. How this is supposed to work out with the bride being a woman? Quite easy. She appoints a representative, a “guardian”, who participates in her place at the wedding ceremony. And after all, isn't there a loudspeaker system installed in the mosque? So we women would be able to hear everything, that would be said.
Heide –Khadija thought this was nonsense. We could held the wedding ceremony together in the entrance room. She had married without appointing a representative.
The Imam of the mosque was an Egyptian. A bearded man about 40 years of age, that had been nicknamed by the friends of his children “Bud Spencer”. He had studied Economics, but had made his major interest, theology, his profession. We got to know him later as a committed and open-minded person. This very day though he didn’t show any sensibility. To have a representative for the bride wasn't absolutely necessary according to Islam, but it was custom in Egypt, and the bridegroom was after all Egyptian. So everything was correct in his eyes.
I was shocked. So I should experience my own wedding only by listening to the loudspeakers? To make it even worse, the loudspeaker system turned out to be not working. In the women's room nothing could be heard but a loud rustle. But soon that turned out to be a lucky turn of events, as now  we women were allowed to participate at the ceremony in the men's room.
But still the Imam wouldn't drop the idea of the representative of the bride. After a while Mohamed gave up the try to change his mind and explained to me the situation. According to custom a bride is represented at her wedding ceremony by her father. Well, that was out of question for me. So I appointed one of the present Arabic students as my representative. Gamal was Egyptian, as Mohamed. A friendly, helpful young man. We had assisted each other with the preparation for our exams, Arabic and German. Gamal accepted it as a honor to be my representative.
Both of them, Mohamed and Gamal, were seated to the right and left of the Imam. We women were seated way back behind the men. And then the Imam started to talk. Arabic! No one of us women did even understand what he was talking about at all. But he talked, and talked, and talked. Later I learned, that he had simply taken the opportunity to held a sermon for these Arabic students. The subject had been “good Islamic behavior” and had nothing at all to do with the wedding.
Well, my mood was already not the best after that hectic day and the story with the representative. But this flood of Arabic words even made it worse.
When the Imam finally - in my eyes after a much too long time - finished his address, suddenly everything went really fast. Our witnesses, two Arabic students as well, were called. Mohamed and Gamal took each other's hand and the Imam covered the hands with a handkerchief. Then he spoke – again in Arabic – the ceremonial words: “I marry you according to Qur'an and the Sunnah of the prophet.” And that was it.
The voices of Heide and my mother behind me hardly got to me: “That's it?” – “So now who has married whom?” I myself was too fascinated by the picture in front of me. All participants and guest had raised, to congratulate the groom. Gamal as my “representative” of course stood closest to Mohamed. So he gave the bridegroom a big hug and kissed him wholeheartedly – as customary among Muslims – on both cheeks. The association to the church wedding came to my mind: “Now you may kiss the bride.”
In this second the whole tension of the last days resolved. I started laughing loudly. What earned me some very unfriendly glances. A bride is not supposed to laugh at such a time.
But soon I was also in the middle of congratulations and good wishes. The snacks and drinks we had brought were distributed. Heide and Hamida presented us a “gift basket”. Actually this time it was a plastic tub. Heide explained: “That is a lot more useful for a new household than a basket.” But the contents were really something. Fruit juice directly from a farm, honey from a bee farm, fruits from biological farms and a lot more. Heide's fondness for natural foods had even left room for my beloved chocolate.
Also the tub turned out to be useful indeed. Since then we have transported many things in it, laundry, large quantities of cooked Basmati rice for a Ramadan Buffet, and even parts of the motor of our car.
Elizabeth had brought her wedding present from England. A commented English Qur'an Translation as well as a wall picture with an Islamic calligraphy. Some of the students gave money. What we accepted gratefully.
The gathering went on for some more time. We were eating, drinking and talking. Our small party was no elaborate feast, but it fulfilled its purpose. In the nice and friendly atmosphere even my mother and brother, who in the beginning had been a little shy, enjoyed the conversation with our friends. All together it was a good start for our marriage.
So now Mohamed and I were a married couple. We had married according to the Qur'an and the Sunnah of the prophet.  As bride gift I received a golden necklace and the 10 bars of Kinderschokolade. With which I was happy.
This day Mohamed and I moved together and started our wedded life.

The legal marriage followed as planned in the next summer in Egypt. This time my whole family attended the wedding, that's my parents, my brother and the new partner of my father.

The first thing to do in Egypt was the paperwork. And that was quite a bit. To have an Egyptian wedding certificate recognized in Germany, many conditions have to be fulfilled. Already in beforehand the German partner needs to get a certificate from the German municipal council, that nothing stands in the way of this marriage according to German right. Papers have to be translated back and forth and the Egyptian wedding certificate has to be authenticated by several Egyptian ministries as well as the German embassy. So we had to stand in line, drive all across Cairo, just to stand in line again somewhere else in the burning Egyptian summer heat. For the necessary official translation there was only one translator available, who was recognized by the German embassy. He translated “Physicist”  with “Chemist” and mixed up the wedding date. Fortunately Mohamed and I stayed a whole month in Egypt. The paperwork really took that long.
The celebration on the other hand took “only” a week. 42 kg flour had been used by my mother in law and her sisters to prepare customary wedding cookies. There was white sugared “Kahk” filled with honey, “Urass”, a cookie filled with mashed dates, that in color and form resembles a miniature sand dune, and “Rurayibba”, which reminded me a lot of a German Christmas cookie. And there were additional two kinds of cookies. Everything had been prepared shortly before our arrival and was ready for consumption.
Aunts and cousins were visiting daily to sing, dance, and beat the drums for us. 700 invitation cards had been printed and were now distributed to 700 families. It was July. Midsummer. Coke and other soft drinks were fetched in large amounts, cooled and drunk.
Mohamed and I hardly spend time at the house. In addition to the many official tasks we were also quite busy shopping. Exciting was especially the purchase of my bride gown. My Parents in Law had insisted on a white dress. My mother in law had offered to order one for me. So we had given her my size on the phone and described, what we were looking for. A long dress, closed up to the neck, not too tight and not too transparent. Just Islamic. In Egypt that isn't so easy to find. Many brides, among them women covering, dress as brides in European style. Just once can't hurt. And after all it is a very special day. So the bride is going to the hairdresser, puts on make-up and wears a deep décolleté.
But after some looking around my mother in Law did find a dress, that was matching with my ideas. She had ordered it for me. Unfortunately upon my arrival a week before the wedding day it wasn't finished. In the shop they put us off from day to day.  Well, at least Mohamed got his new cloth: a classical black suit with a dark red tie.
And then his parents brought a hairdresser for him to the house. His beautiful curly hair fell on the floor and made room for a much more boring, according to my father in law "tidier" short hair cut. Then on Tuesday, two days before the wedding, when my mother in law and I were close to a panic about the dress and already considering, to just go and buy another one, it finally arrived. And there it was, a dream in white satin, closed to the neck and falling down to the ground, decorated with beads and paillets.  And it turned out to be the right size! Mohamed's aunt created a fitting head cover for me: a little white cap with a short veil, that fell over the back of my head covering the white headscarf. The headscarf's corners disappeared under the dress.

But Wednesday night, the night before the wedding day, there still was another party to come. I had the chance to experience a Henna Eve. Traditionally the bride's hands and feet are decorated with Henna drawings. In Turkey and Morocco this is occasionally done up to today. In Egypt the custom has changed. Just the name remains. Today the Henna Eve is rather a farewell party for the bride. A social event for women only!
Relatives, friends and neighbors of every age had come to get a good look at the new bride, sing together or show their art of belly dance. This night Mohamed's cousins with their drums were giving their best. My mother and my father's partner joined the party, while my father and brother were entertained at some other place.
Then inmidst the highest bustle suddenly the arrival of the groom was announced. In the next second it was so silent, that you could have heard a needle drop on the floor. In the presence of men it is not appropriate to sing and dance. And then Mohamed entered to give me officially in front of all the guest my bridal jewelry. Cameras flashed to conserve this memorable event. Everybody wanted to get a picture with the bride and the groom.
Mohamed was relieved, when he finally could leave again. As soon as the door was closed behind him, the party went on and didn't come to an end before late night.

Then finally Thursday arrived, the day of the wedding. Most marriages in Egypt take place on Thursday. That's because the Friday is the Islamic day of rest, comparable to our Sunday.
The celebrations began in the afternoon with a recital of Qur'an in the mosque. Congratulates out of the nearly 700 invited families came by to pay their respects to the bride's and groom's families. Mohamed was standing at the door of the mosque, shaking hands for about an hour. So did my father. A true trial of patience on his first day in Egypt.
At this time I was at Mohamed's sister's getting dressed. In spite of protests by my in-laws I abstained from wearing make-up (unislamic in public) but insisted on wearing my glasses. After all I wanted to see my own wedding! Everything went fine. Only the headcover turned out to be a bit tricky to fasten. Mohamed's aunt finally fixed it with a few stitches. So when Mohamed came, to take his bride home, I was ready. In front of the house waited a Mercedes, that a relative had lend to Mohamed for this special occasion. It had been decorated with ribbons to take the couple to Mohamed's parent's house. In our absence the street in front of the house had been transformed into a festivity place. Colorful "paravans" had been put up to form an open room. At the closed side I noticed two chairs on a wooden platform.

We were greeted by a group of 30 traditional musicians, lined up in two rows. The men were dressed in traditional dress and carrying drums. In real life they were students, thus earning their living. Nonetheless they presented a great show. Ethnic dances and songs, traditional wedding rites with lots of incense and a blanket over our heads. Accompanied by one hour, or rather two hours, of deafening noise, the drums, their sound manifold echoed by the house fronts along the street. The Video Camera buzzed. Say "cheese". Two steps closer, please. The flower girls have to be in the picture. And another big smile. Can't anybody keep these neighbor kids out of the way? Now come three steps closer. And people, people, people. Later I learned, my family had in the meanwhile escaped the crowd temporarily and relaxed with a cup of Arabic Mocca on the roof of the house.

When Mohamed and I finally reached the platform and sat down on the chairs, the guests stood in line to congratulate us. On an occasion like this nearly the whole town stops by for a while to congratulate. So now we both shook hands. With a smile on our lips. Bride and groom do always smile.

And then there was the big surprise. Suddenly there seemed to be no time. The closest relatives got into three cars. And accompanied by the rhythmic sound of the car horns tut-tut-tut - - tut-tut-tut - - tut-tut-tut we reachedd Cairo Down Town. Close to the Nile river the cars stopped, and there she was, the Nile Pharaoh, a beautiful two story ship rebuild in the Pharaohnic style. She hosts a first class restaurant. Together with other guests we went aboard. Soon the ship took of, moved slowly into the middle of the dark river and began, to shove itself up stream through the ink like water. Slowly we left the lights of Cairo behind. At the banks shadowy outlines of palms appeared. There chirping of the crickets was only occasionally interrupted by the cry of a donkey. The whole country seemed to lay fast asleep, while the ship passed by accompanied by the sounds of the Arabic band.
As bride and groom we were asked to open the buffet. What we did. The food was really great. And when I discovered some Mousse au Chocolat it was really perfect.
Then a young lady in a glittering costume entered the deck and began to swing her body to the music. The obligatory belly dancer. What Arabic restaurant could do without her? During the dance performance Mohamed consequently lowered his gaze - which turned out to be quite displeasing to the young dancer. Then the three story wedding cake was brought in. While we were cutting  the cake, the lights of Cairo slowly reappeared at the river banks. Unnoticed by us the ship had turned and the trip was coming to an end.

Once off the ship we drove again through Cairo. Tut-tut-tut - - tut-tut-tut - - tut-tut-tut. The passing cars joined into the chorus. Everybody was happy for the couple. This time we drove out and up to the cliff, the mountain right across the famous Citadel of Mohamed Ali. Two a clock at night we had the city of 15 mil. at our feet. An ocean of lights. Up there at this late hour we met three other wedding parties, couples, who had found their way out of the noisy city up here onto this majestic heights. If they hoped as well, this night would never end?

Of course our night did end shortly after. And reality caught up with us. On Friday, the Islamic day of rest, offices, banks and factories close down. So the congratulates had all the time of the world to drop in and congratulate the young couple. Actually the first guests came already in the morning hours, after a much too short night for us. For three days we were busy with visitors. They entered, congratulated, drank a soft drink, tasted some of the delicious cookies my mother in law had prepared for them, and then they left again. But not without leaving the obligatory envelope. Wedding gifts in cash, that were taken right away by my parents in law. Every amount is written down, as some day they have to be returned to the giver at similar occasions. An ingenious system of giving and taking.
So Mohamed and I welcomed guests, smiled friendly and made conversation. Actually the last applies more to Mohamed. As my Arabic didn't enable me to hold any conversations. So I concentrated on smiling for three more days.
Then finally we had some time for us. We spend a few days at the sea. But this trip passed much too fast.

Back "home" in Germany my cousin nagged so long, till we agreed to another wedding party for my relatives. My parents wanted to help us with this party. But already the planning turned out to be more difficult then expected. This party would be a dinner as it is my family's tradition. Mohamed and I had expected, that no alcohol would be served, in respect to our belief. After all it was our wedding that was going to be celebrated.
This idea wasn't taken all too well by my family. My grandma complained, a party without a glass of wine wasn't a party at all. Also my father was of the opinion, we should respect the guest's wishes, not the host's. "With what are we supposed to do a toast on the couple?" But we didn't give in. So to avoid any farther problems my father asked us to put the remark "no alcoholic beverages" on the invitation cards. What we agreed to. We invited my family to a "non-alcoholic" celebration of our wedding.
The second problem turned out to be the choice of location. Regarding the number of the expected guests - about 30 persons - a private apartment was out of question. A festivity hall of a restaurant would have been appropriate for the occasion. But with a bar right in the next room? What would have happened to the "no alcoholic beverages"?
At last my mother found the solution. We rented the festivity hall of the local protestant church. We were catering ourselves. With the help of my Mum we filled the buffet with occidental and oriental specialties. And we served all kinds of soft drinks, juices and punch. And of course tea and coffee with the cakes. In the end everybody was happy. Only one uncle commented, the party was a little "dry".

After all these weddings I still have to say that for us our wedded life has already started with our first marriage, the one in the mosque, when we married before God. From that day on we had shared an apartment, and later we had that date, the 3rd of October 1989, engraved into our wedding rings, that we are wearing, as it is European custom. Even the German government was kind enough to declare this date one year later as public holiday. Of course that had nothing to do with our marriage, but still it was nice to have the wedding anniversary from now on on a holiday.

With my wedding I moved up into a complete new category of women. At least in the eyes of the people around me. A German woman married to a Muslim man. Everybody claims to know what the life of a Muslim wife is like, it is determined by her husband. As in Islam the husband is in command. Nobody was surprised anymore by my headscarf. The surprise was rather that I was still allowed to study, took a job in the summertime and didn't seem to be oppressed. Everywhere I was pitied. "Now she has been caught by the charm of an Arab, and has to deal with the bad ending."

I have been asked many times by concerned people: "Did you have to take the religion of your husband when you married?" "Does your husband force you to cover?" Once a shop assistant asked me:" Does your husband beat you up?" And over and over I patiently answer:" No, my husband doesn't beat me up, and he doesn't force me to cover either. I did already become Muslim before my marriage."
Actually with the marriage I didn't take anything from my husband. I even kept my maiden name. We don't use the same family name. The system of separate family names, that is still quite new in Germany, is the normal way in Islam from the very beginning. Each partner has the right on his or her own name. I also kept my nationality. I am nothing but German. Even the Third World  doesn't give their passports away for free.

"You have been Muslim before your marriage? But at that time you did already know your husband, didn't you?"
That's correct. I did know Mohamed, and I also liked him a lot. And I did learn much on Islam from him. Still he wasn't the reason for my decision to become a Muslim. Believe me, no man is worth a change of religion. Not even Mohamed. Becoming Muslim has much too many consequences to take it that easily. Not only for one's own life. Just think about the children. My parents don't cease to think about my children and ask themselves, what their future will be like.
I have become Muslim because I am convinced of the truth of the message. And I choose Mohamed as my husband as he is sharing that conviction with me. In case anything should go wrong in our marriage, I would want a Muslim again.
Part of what makes Mohamed attractive for me is his belief. Mohamed without Islam wouldn't be the same person. A Muslim believes, that God will judge us according to our deeds. This belief does form the character. It teaches a sense of responsibility, but also patience and indulgence with our fellow men. God is the final judge, and mercy we are hoping for, we should also practice.
A practicing Muslim is an ideal partner for a woman. What do women wish for? Security? A responsible partner? No alcoholic, no gambler, no women lover? A man who has other priorities than himself? A man, who doesn't only have feelings, but also shows them?
Do read Qur'an and Sunnah!Alcohol, drugs and gambling are not allowed anyhow for a Muslim. We also know already that he is supposed to lower his gaze and guard their modesty. And to show his feelings is normal for a Muslim man. Muslims ask God for a soft heart, a praising tongue and an eye full of tears. Men might cry even in public, being sad or just touched. It happens, that an Imam leading a congregational prayer suddenly starts to cry in the conscience of the closeness of God.
Also tenderness is common. The prophet Muhammad once kissed his grandson Hassan in the presence of Al-Aqra' Ibn Habis At-Tamimi. Al-Aqra' said: "I have ten children, but I never kissed one of them." The messenger of God looked at him and said:" Who isn't loving and caring to others, won't receive love and care."

Now as far as responsibility is concerned, the man is responsible for his wife and family before God. "Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because God has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means ..."(4:34)
"... but he (the father) shall bear the cost of their food and clothing on equitable terms ..."(2:233)
"The man protects his family. He stands up for them."
But that doesn't mean, the woman doesn't have any kind of responsibility: "Everybody is responsible ... The woman takes care of the house of her husband ..."  'House' in this context isn't a building. It is rather the domestic and familiar affairs all together.
Decisions should be made by the couple, after they have consulted each other - the normal proceeding in Islam. Qur'an names the example of breast feeding. "The mothers shall give suck to their offspring for two whole years. That's for those who want to complete the term ... If they both decide on weaning by mutual consent, and after due consultation, there is no blame on them, if you decide on a foster mother for your offspring there is no blame on you, provide you pay what you offered on equitable terms. But fear God and know God sees well what you do." (2:233)

God sees what we do. He also sees, how we handle our responsibilities. So the men are manifold advised: "Who believe in God and the Day of Judgment, doesn't hurt his neighbor. And treat the women with care and love."
"... and those are the best among you, who are the best towards their wives."
" ...live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If you take a dislike to them it may be that you dislike a thing and God brings about through it a great deal of good." (4:19)
Partnership in this sense has nothing to do with perfection of the partner, but rather with responsibility, respect and love. Husband and wife are to one another as a "garment" (2:187). This image of Qur'an hints at the bodily closeness of the couple, but also at the covering up of the partner's nakedness in public. " It is He Who created you from a single person. And made his mate of like nature, in order that he might dwell with her (in love). ..." (7:189)

I would always want to marry a Muslim. And I am not alone with this wish. Of course not every marriage with a Muslim will turn out happy ever after. If you read the newspapers, it looks like bad experiences are the normal case. But on the other hand, what could they print on happy marriages that would raise their circulation?
Anyhow, there are also bad examples among my friends. But these marriage didn't break up because of Islam, they broke up because of cultural differences.
You think Islam and culture is the same? It isn't that easy. Just think about my three wedding parties: in the little mosque in a German city, in big style in Egypt, and as a dinner in the rooms of a protestant community church. They couldn't be more different. Still all the parties were Islamic in the sense of being in consent with Islamic law - with the exception of the presence of the belly dancer in the swimming restaurant. And here it is. The only classical oriental part is classical unislamic.

The rumor, Islam and Orient are unseparatable is already geographically falsified. The state with the greatest number of Muslims is Indonesia. There we have nearly 170 million Muslims. In Saudi Arabia there are only 14 million. And the Maldives are listed as one of the very few countries with all Muslim population.
Or think about Mauritania, Tunis, Syria, the Yemen, about Turkey, Pakistan, the Iran, but also about Gambia, Niger or the Comoros. All those states have a Muslim population of more than 90%.Do you really think, that all these countries live the same culture? Do you think, a Muslim raised in China has the same cultural background as a Muslim from Nigeria? Or a Muslim from the Fiji Island has grown up in the same culture as your Turkish hairdresser?Islam is not culture. It is religion. We Germans tend to be exact. So we shouldn't simplify this matter as well.

To come back to marriages, especially in gender relations it happens quite frequently, that old regional structures take over. The woman is deprived of her most basic rights. And that doesn't have anything to do with Islam.
In case you should hear, women belong in the house and don't have anything to do with business life, that is Islamic not correct. The woman owns, as we already know, her own property. Of course she can do business with it.
Khadija for example, the first wife of the prophet Muhammad, was quite wealthy. The prophet used to be one of her employees taking care of her trading caravans.
Another wife of the prophet, Zeinab Bint Djahsch, earned some money with handcrafts like tanning, spinning and weaving. Her income she split up into three parts. One part she gave to the poor, one part she spend for the house, and the last part she used to buy new materials for her work. In the reign of Umar Ibn Al-Khattab he appointed for the market of Medina a woman as arbitrator for the traders. And women have always been active in research and teaching and have never been restricted to any specific area of science. Aysha, also one of the prophet's wives, was among other things famous for her knowledge in astronomy. And in questions of religious law she was still an authority long after the prophet's death.Why should Islamic society do without the the contributions of the women, who account for half of the population?
Don't the Muslim women cover in the first place to be able to go out in public and not to stay at home?
But who is going to do the house work? It is reported from the prophet Muhammad, who is the ideal for every Muslim, that he helped his wives with the house work when he had the time.
Another common example for a widely spread custom that is the girl, that has to wait till a man comes and proposes to her. That is not Islamic founded. To the contrary. Already in the story of Moses his wife was the first to notice him. Her father suggested the marriage to Moses. And also Khadija, the first wife of the prophet Muhammad, initiated the proposal to Muhammad. A woman can pick out her future husband and suggest a marriage. That is supported in many Hadeethes.

Unfortunately many Muslims seem to be more conscious of the cultural tradition than the example of the prophet. People are more concerned with the gossip of the neighbors than with the Islamic teachings. Often they don't even try to rectify their cultural behavior with Islam anymore.
A Lebanese man among our acquaintances for example asked from his Western wife: "It isn't enough that you are Muslim. You have to become Lebanese." On the other hand some women are easy to take advantage of. They enter marriage with their Christian raising. Love your neighbor no matter how much you have to sacrifice.  They are exploited by their husbands, financially as well as emotionally. They completely neglect the rights Islam guarantees them. In the meanwhile the marriage of that Lebanese man has been divorced. The woman has remarried. Her second husband is a Muslim, of course. But this time a little more serious about his belief, please!

What ticks off most Western women is the male chauvinism of the Mediterranean Area, from where many Muslims living in Germany originate. Patriarchal family structures predominate on all coasts of the Mediterranean Sea, including the European side. Think about Sicily or Greece. There the family is everything. The individual is subordinate. The man is clearly the head of the family. He is used to obedience and respect from the female members of the family as well as to being served by them. An exception might be the mother, who has kind of a special status. These structures leave men with so many demands, that they are hardly bearable for German women.
But also many German women are spoiled by their mothers. The mother has never gotten the chance to make something out of their life. Always the family has come first. Now the daughter should have it easier. She doesn't need to help with the housework. And later her mother will of course take her grandkids to help her daughter pursue her career. If there are any grandkids. Not every live plan includes children anymore. After all to be a housekeeper is not exactly "in". Children take a lot of time and money. And with babies you can't travel far.

Let's be honest. The readiness for compromise isn't that big on both sides. Here actually two cultures meet, that are hardly compatible. That both partners are Muslim doesn't change this fact. Islam offers only a frame for life. Not every area of living together is covered. In between allowed and forbidden, in between preferred and hated, there is a large category of actions, that are irrelevant in the religious sense. What the woman is going to do, keep the house or take a job? Where to live, in Germany or rather in the home country of the husband? What kind of furniture to get, traditional or modern? No marriage is thinkable without a minimum of consent and compromise.

Qur'an describes marriage in this way: "And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between you ..." (30:21)
Without this tranquility, without love and mercy, no marriage can exist. And for such cases Islam allows divorce  - unlike the catholic church.
In spite of different statements, divorce can't only be initiated by the husband, but also by the wife. An often told example for this is the story of Habiba Bint Sahl, who divorced from her husband Thabit Ibn Qais in the times of the prophet Muhammad. She said: "Oh messenger of God, I can't complain about Thabit in regard to his character or belief, but I fear I might violate the laws of Islam, if I stay his wife." She was divorced under the condition, that she returned the bride gift she had received from Thabit.
A divorce in Islam is easy. Still from all allowed actions in Islam it is said to be the one most hated by God. So a divorce is always a very serious matter. As well as a marriage is a very serious matter.
Mohamed and I did take our decision to marry serious. We are well aware of the difficulties in a bicultural marriage. Common basis for both of us is Islam, that's Qur'an and the Sunnah of the prophet. Culture on the other hand is open for discussion. The Egyptian culture as well as the German culture.
We see our marriage as a chance to learn from one another. We try to combine the good from both cultures. Bicultural marriage can build a bridge between different cultures and help to combat racist tendencies in society. Already in Qur'an we find the following statement: "O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know each other..." (49:13)

In spite of good and bad times, Mohamed and I would marry each other again.