In therapy, she remembered the day she received her master's degree. Her parents had come to observe the graduation ceremony, and her mother was in a peevish mood. Just before the ceremony began, her mother said, "You know, I could have earned my doctoral degree, could have been important, but my parents couldn't afford to send me to school. You should feel very lucky."
Sandra heard two messages in that comment: First, that her degree was more a factor of luck than of achievement; and second, that her mother was deeply jealous of her.
Sandra discovered, with the help of her therapist, that she had chosen a low-level sales job to minimize her mother's envy.
When Sandra became aware of her fear of success, she was able to work more consistently toward her goals.
Sandra's case is far from unusual, especially among young mothers today, who are leading lives quite differently from those of their mothers. For many, success is elusive--or unsatisfying.
"Success is the ability to feel satisfied in three key areas of life: your work, whether as a bank president or as a teller; your relationships, be they romantic, platonic, or familial; and your sense of who you are," according to Toni Aquino, a psychotherapist in Brea, California.
Stephanie Kravec, a New York City clinical social worker, defines success for women as an internal sense of peace and satisfaction. "Traditionally, success has primarily been equated with power and money. In recent years, however, fulfillment and satisfaction are also likely to be included in most people's definition of success," says Kravec.
DO YOU FEAR SUCCESS?This may not be as easy to answer as it sounds. "You may not even be aware you're afraid of success. More likely, you'll feel in a vague way that something's not right with your life," Aquino says. "An inability to comfortably accept your achievements may signal fear of success."
Some women with underlying fear about success finnd themselves feeling particularly anxious as they get close to achieving a goal. Others feel guilty, depressed or lonely.
Some people even become physically ill, according to Aquino. "There is a wealth of research that shows stress weakens your resistance ]to disease. If a woman feels a great deal of emotional conflict about success, that stress can actually increase her risk of becoming ill."
In some cases, mild symptoms of illness mat be subconsciously exaggerated as a way to short-circuit success. Connie S., for example, was seeking a promotion to a management position in the county probation department. The day before her oral interview, the last stage of the evaluation process, she began feeling queasy and nauseated. The next morning, Connie was convinced she had an exotic flu and canceled her interview appointment. By noon that day, she felt much better. Later, she realized she was relieved that her illness had kept her from the interview. "Illness gives you a respectable excuse for stopping short of success," Aquino says.
SABOTAGING SUCCESSPsychotherapists have identified many common ways that people undermine their own success. Some are easy to spot, others are quite subtle:
- Lacking a goal: Marlene E. defined success as earning a
college degree. She took courses intermittently for 20 years
(and accumulated enough credits for two degrees), but she never
earned her bachelor's degree. The problem? She was unable to
decide on a field of study she wanted to devote herself to. By
not committing herself to one area, she made sure she didn't
succeed.
- Setting unrealistic goals: Some women sabotage themselves
with unattainably high goals. If you believe that success means
being awarded a Nobel Peace Prize, your chances of success are
extremely slim. Others set goals that seem insignificant upon
achievement.
"Many women who don't believe they deserve to succeed set goals for themselves that aren't truly challenging. Even though they achieve their goals, they may feel unaccomplished and empty," Aquino explains.
- Defining success inaccurately: Shelly S., an advertising-agency
copywriter in her late 20's, had written a hospital-promotion
campaign that her client accepted enthusiastically. The campaign
was entered in four industry-award competitions and earned first-place
and second-place awards. However, Shelly was unable to feel good
about the awards. Her supervisor, whom Shelly idolized, insisted
the campaign could have had "more punch." Because her supervisor
didn't rave about her work, Shelly was convinced that she had failed.
"In therapy, I try to help women measure the success of their efforts in terms of how much they learned, how much satisfaction they gained or how much closer to a major goal they moved. Women need to learn to validate their own efforts, rather than count on others to validate them," Aquino explains.
- Confusing "shoulds" and "wants": Many working mothers do what
they think they should do to please others, instead of what they
truly want to do.
Jan W., 37, was frustrated as a sales manager for a small distribution company, but felt a great deal of emotional conflict when she received a better offer from a larger firm. "I can't leave my firm. These people gave me my first chance and they need me," Jan said.
Through participation in a women's network, Jan learned she was basing her decision on what she thought was expected of her, rather than on what she really wanted for herself.
"If you squander your time doing what you think others expect of you, rather than invest your time pursuing your dreams, you're not likely to feel the joy of achieving your goals. You may even resent others for holding you back, when it's actually you who's creating your own obstacles," Stephanie Kravec says.
Once Jan was able to sort out what she really wanted for herself, she accepted the offer and has since been promoted within her new company.
- Sidetracking yourself: Do you jump from one goal to another
without giving yourself a chance to succeed in any area? You may
do so out of fear of success.
- Focusing on shortcomings: Worrying about what you haven't
accomplished can keep you from enjoying any success you do
achieve.
When Eileen C. earned her law degree, she set out to build a private practice in criminal defense. During the first year, her practice grew slowly, netting her only a small profit. She won a respectable number of her cases, but felt she should have realized greater profits. She concluded that she had failed.
In therapy, Aquino helped Eileen see that she was seeing the glass half empty rather than half full. "Some goals can't be accomplished overnight. It helps to focus on the overall direction of your progress and to look at how far you are from the finish line," Aquino says.
- Not taking risks: At the age of 23, Leslie L., tall, slender
and attractive, felt depressed and helpless bbecause she was making
no progress toward her goal of becoming a top fashion model. Yet
she was taking no steps toward achieving that goal. She had only
a slim portfolio and rarely auditioned for modeling jobs. Her
belief that she would be miraculously "discovered" was, in truth,
Leslie's way of sabotaging her own success.
"You won't get that job, raise or promotion unless you let the decision-makers know you want it," Kravec explains. "True, going after something doesn't guarantee you'll get it, and it can lead to disappointment, but nnot goinng after what you want ensures disappointment."
- Attributing success to outside factors: When you earn that degree, gain that promotion, save enough for that new house or get that industry award, do you chalk it up to luck, being in the right place at the right time or someone else's failure? If so, you're depriving yourself of the fruits of your success.
WHY WE HOLD BACKThough you may not consciously wish to fail, you may have powerful unconscious reasons for keeping success out of reach. Many women, for example, don't believe they deserve to succeed.
"If you've been told, particularly as a child, that you aren't capable or worthy, then you aren't likely to believe you deserve to succeed," Aquino says.
"Many women received those messages in such subtle ways that they aren't even aware of them on a conscious level," says Kravec. "As young girls, we're often praised for being 'cute' or 'nice,' rather than for being competent. So we don't learn that we're capable of being competent," she explains.
In addition, says Aquino, a young girl who experiences a pattern of being ignored, of derogatory remarks or even of dirty looks can begin to believe that she's not worthy. Over time, she may begin giving herself negative messages about her value. She concludes that she doesn't deserve to enjoy the satisfaction that goes with success, so she develops ways to sabotage her success."
Other key reasons for sabotaging your success include:
- Fear of friends' envy: Do you worry that if you work hard
and get what you want, your friends or co-workers will envy you?
Cynthia A., 41, a financial counselor, worked hard to develop a strong reputation within her community. When she was invited to be the keynote speaker at a local industry conference, she shared her good news with her best friend of 15 years. The friend knitted her eyebrows and said, "I suppose now that you're getting to be famous, you won't want to be seen having lunch with me."
"Most women are taught in childhood to stronly value others' feelings and to work to protect others from hurt. Doing so can be virtuous to a degree, but when it holds you back from what you truly want, it becomes self-destructive," Kravec says.
If you suspect a close friend will be envious of your success, you don't have to hold yourself back to safeguard the friendship. Instead, talk honestly about your feelings and fears. Tell her you value the friendship and believe it's strong enough to endure adjustments while you settle into your new situation.
"By discussing their feelings, women can learn from each other, support each other and maybe get to the top together," Kravec says.
- Fear of success hurting your marriage: Many women hold themselves
back from success because they're afraid their husbands will be
threatened. Aquino recounts the case of Carol F., a computer
salesperson who was offered an exciting promotion that would move
her out of a boring and unsatisfying job and bring a salary to
match her husband's. In the back of her mind, she was afraid the
promotion would destroy her husband's ego. Never discussing the
offer with her husband, Carol struggled with the decision for
several days, then turned down the offer. She soon began resenting
her husband, however, for keeping her in a boring, unsatisfying
job. She became impatient and demanding of him, expecting him to
repay her with attention for the sacrifice she had made for him.
Ultimately, her choice to turn down the promotion, even though she
thought she was doing it for her husband, resulted in hurting
both of them.
- Fear of your mother's jealousy: Opportunities for women have
changed dramatically in just a few decades. Many of today's women
are aware that their mothers may be envious of the range of choices
available to their daughters. Sandra H., the graphic designer who
sold printing on a part-time basis, is one of many who have held
themselves back to avoid making their mothers jealous.
- Fear of rejecting your parents' values: As you think about
achieving in certain areas of your life, do you hear messages
from your parents that take the joy out of those successes?
Barbara T.'s mother had always prized books over everything else. As a child, Barbara was encouraged to read rather than play outdoors, and was given books for every birthday. Her mother often told her that the best job in the world would be in a library.
Barbara earned her degree in library science and worked for the library in her hometown for six years, although she was not particularly satisfied. Her mother, however, was delighted.
At her high school class reunion, Barbara visited with an old friend who raved about her job with the U.S. Forest Service. It sounded challenging and exciting to Barbara, who had always enjoyed physical labor and outdoor activities.
Over the next several months, Barbara dreamed of leaving the library to join the Forest Service. Each time she set out to apply for a Forest Service job, however, she imagined the tearful, angry reaction her mother might have. Barbara also began experiencing severe headaches.
"Part of being an adult is separating from your parents and freeing yourself from the need to please them or win their approval. It's important to evaluate what you believe and what you want for yourself, and to separate what you think is important from what your parents value," Aquino says. "Otherwise, you'll subconsciously keep yourself from getting what you want in life."
- Fear of failure: Fear of success is often closely linked to
fear of failure. By not going after what they want, women avoid
the risk of not getting it. "It helps if you can redefine 'failure'
as an opportunity to learn, so it's not seen as a negative consequence,"
Kravec suggests.
- Fear of raising expectations: "If I enter this competition and
win, others will begin thinking of me as a winner and expect greater
things of me. Then, if I fail in the future, people will be disappointed
in me. That would be so devastating to me that I'm better off not
succeeding in the first place," is a common conversation many
women have with themselves.
"Its healthier to focus on how you feel about yourself and on how you can gain self-respect and dignity than to overly concern yourself with what others think of you," Kravec says.
WHAT CAN YOU DO?There are several steps you can take to overcome your fear of success and start getting what you want from life:
- Become aware of your feelings: "Talk with a warm, empathetic
friend or a qualified psychotherapist who can help you identify
the parts of your life that aren't working, and then help you discover
whaat you really want," Aquino advises.
- Confront and analyze your fears: Were you once hurt by a jealous
friend? Are you still dependent upon your parents' approval? Are
you afraid to disappoint others? "By recognozing your fears, you
can begin to overcome them," Kravec says.
Expect to feel an increased level of anxiety or other uncomfortable feelings while you're trying to overcome your fear of success. These feelings are common when people work to change their emotional and behavior patterns.
- Recognize that success depends on you: It's unrealistic to expect
others to expend great amounts of effort toward your accomplishments.
Whatever success you have is the result of your own goals, choices
and efforts. Also, remember that you can't control others, only
yourself.
- Set specific and realistic goals: Where do you want to be
in three years? In a new position? Owner of your own firm?
What do you need to get there? Further education? More
responsibility in your current job? What are the barriers to
your goal? Not enough clerical support at work? Not enough
time of your own? What can you do now to overcome those barriers?
Discuss your goals with your boss? Renegotiate chores with your
family? Enroll in a training program?
- Make a commitment to yourself: Good things happen when you
expect positive results from yourself. "By defining yourself in terms
of your strengths, not in terms of your weaknesses, you greatly
improve your chances for success," Aquino suggests.
- Give yourself permission to succeed: Ask yourself, "What will
happen if I fail? What if I succeed?" When you see that long-term
satisfaction is the reward of success, you will be able to accept
it.
- Be patient with yourself: "Recognize that changing oneself
takes time. Find the joy in what you are doing, in what you have
accomplished and in what you have learned along the way," urges
Kravec.
- Imagine yourself a success: Picture yourself in that new job. Have a vision of that degree hanging on your wall. Visualize the new nameplate on your desk with that new title on it. Belief in yourself is vital to success.
