November 17th
8:55 AM
The one bad thing about Jevim co-oping is that he IS co-oping, which means that from 8 to 5, Monday through Friday, he has to work. *sigh* It would be nice if he didn't have to, but it's still better than being in completely different states.
We were lazy bums yesterday, for the most part. He'd installed the new network card in his computer, which caused Windows 95's plug and play to live up to its nickname of "plug and pray". It stole the resources for the internal zip drive, and that hasn't been heard from since, no matter how much Jevim tinkers. I think if he'd had his IE 4.0 CD here at home instead of at work, he would have gone ahead and reformatted and installed NT instead, like he's been wanting to do. Unfortunately, not everything will run on NT, so there is the chance that certain things like games aren't going to be too happy when he switches over. But then, that's life.
He finally got frustrated with the computer yesterday afternoon and headed back to the bedroom to lay down for a while. I followed and we ended up curled up together, and fell asleep for a while, which was nice. When we finally got up later, it was close to dinner time, so we got dressed and headed out to dinner and the book store, then came home and goofed off until X Files was on.
I made the mistake of having a large cup of cocoa, a couple Hershey's Miniature special dark bars (Jevim goes to the bulk aisle at the grocery store and picks out a bag of just the special dark bars for me... am I spoiled or what?), and the last of some diet Coke I'd poured earlier. By time we went to bed, the caffiene was making me all twitchy, and I wound up coming back out into the living room and working on a crossword puzzle for about an hour, until I thought I could fall asleep.
I had a bad dream early this morning... Jevim was back at school, and I was there as well, but except for coming over to give me a quick kiss at lunch, he would spend all of his free time with this certain crowd, trying to get in with them. They really didn't want him in, and were more or less using him, to babysit their belongings at lunch while they went through the lines, and not really including him in anything. He was accepting this like it was some sort of initiation, and maybe it was, but I got the feeling that this group did not like me, and they wouldn't really accept Jevim until he broke up with me.
I was feeling terribly lonely and lost, and after sneaking up to the place where the group all met for lunch a couple times, and seeing what was going on, I finally asked Jevim to come downstairs and outside by the pond to talk for a few minutes. He got the group leader's permission, and came out with me.
I told him that I couldn't keep on living like that, being ignored for the most part, just so he could become a member of the group. I said that I loved him with all my heart and I didn't want to let him go, but I couldn't stand the way things were. He had to either give up on the group, or let me go free.
He responded by pulling away, thinking I was telling him that I was leaving, and I tried to explain things to him from my point of view, but it was only making things worse, and he eventually rolled or jumped into the ice-cold lake to try to drown himself. I yelled at him to get out, yelled for other people to help (a couple tried), and finally screamed at him, using his full name, to get out of the !@#$%^& water, but he refused, and started going under.
That was when I woke up, and I curled up to him and tried to get the memory out of my mind, but it wasn't working. I laid awake, waiting for the alarm to go off (I woke up around 6 and the first alarm goes off at 7). The first alarm went off, and I almost got up then, because I was getting very uneasy staying in bed, but he set the second alarm (7:30) and went back to sleep for a bit, so I just laid there, watching him sleep. He eventually woke up enough to ask me to switch sides with him so he could curl up with his arms wrapped around me (because of my scoliosis, it's next to impossible to sleep on my right side), and that helped a bit, but I still couldn't shake the feeling.
We eventually got up, and he got ready for work and I hopped online to check my mail and play with my Catz, then when he sat down on the couch for me to sit on his lap, I finally told him that I hadn't slept well, and told him about the dream (though I didn't explain certain things very well), and started crying just a bit, so he held me tight and said that as long as I told him what I was feeling, that would never happen.
It helped, some. I'm feeling better, and relaxed enough now to go back to sleep, since I didn't get enough earlier. Anyway, he packed his lunch and then headed off, and so I've been catching up on online stuff, and I think I'm going to go ahead and go back to bed for now. TTYL...
5:09 PM
I did wind up sleeping for a couple hours, but I had unpleasant dreams the whole time. In one, I was asleep in Jevim's bed, and heard him come home and come peek into the bedroom, but I couldn't wake up enough to talk to him or sit up or do anything to let him know that I was awake, so he went away.
In another, I was at a hospital, but for a little boy who had been hurt, rather than for myself. I'm thinking it was supposed to be my half-brother Josh, but I'm not really sure. There were just some strange things in that dream, and when I finally woke up, I got out of bed and didn't think twice aout going back to sleep.
When I had the bad dream about Jevim trying to drown himself earlier, when he didn't respond to that, for some reason, I started to feel as if there were a distance growing between him and myself. It didn't go away at first when he woke up, even when he had me move over to the other side of the bed so he could wrap his arms around me. I guess it finally went away when I told him about the dream, but it was an uncomfortable sensation while it lasted.
It's just about time for Jevim to get home from work, and I've managed to accomplish at least a few little things today, so I don't feel too much like a lazy bum, but my tummy is saying 'feed me' and I haven't even started to defrost the chicken for dinner yet, so I still have that to do. Of course, there's always the chance that Jevim will just say 'Let's go out for dinner' and if he does, I won't complain!
I wanted to get back to my writing (fiction, not my journal) this week, but I've been putting it off because all of my files are on ZIP disk, and Jevim's computer isn't seeing the internal ZIP drive. Then again, even if I could get to my files without having to set up my external drive, I would most likely just procrastinate another day away. But today I was reading in the misc.writing newsgroup, and came across someone's post that said if you were stuck with a character who wasn't cooperating with what you had in mind, interview her (or him as the case may be). I started thinking about it while I was working on the afghan for Jevim, and came up with a couple ideas that may work. So maybe tomorrow, I'll be even more productive.
Anyway, since Jevim should be home soon, I ought to wrap this up and get this entry and Saturday's posted. Type to you later...
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