8:36 AM -- Bad Dreams

I think I had two separate dreams this morning... maybe one was before I got up to talk to Jevim and the other was after, but I'm not really sure. Either way, the strange thing was that as soon as I sat down here to type, my cat jumped up in my lap (something she usually only does when she thinks I have something good to eat), nuzzled, purred, and laid down to be petted for about five or ten minutes. Like she knew I was upset or something, though actually I wasn't as soon as I woke up and realized it was a dream.

In the first dream, the first thing I remember was being in Mom's room and looking out onto the front porch from her windows. A couple of the cats were there on the porch, and out in the yard, I could see a tiny zebra walking. About the size of a Great Dane maybe, so not REALLY tiny, but not full-grown by any means!

Well, I told Mom and she didn't believe me so I told her to look out the window and she did. Now the zebra wasn't in the yard, it was in our front porch! And there were two more (maybe bigger) looking in from outside through the front porch door. Mom started trying to find a number to call to have someone pick them up... I went into the living room and looked out the front door (the storm door was closed) and now there was a man on the front porch, with the zebra. He motioned for me to come out, and I did.

The western windows of the porch were broken out entirely... it looked like they weren't louvred, but panes of glass, but they were shattered and lying on the floor. I looked out through the empty frames and saw that a half-circle decorative window that had been fastened to the outside of the neighbor's house had fallen, and was lying in pieces on our lawn, toward the street, and out by the peony bush was a body, with the shirt either up or gone, and a slash-mark on his side. I think he must have been dead.

I think the body must have been one of the zebra-creatures. The other two had morphed back into human form... one outside, and the little one inside, who was now a wizened little old man. Plus the animal-catcher was still inside with me, the two cats, and the zebra-man.

I think that's when the alarm must have went off, because I don't know where it went from there.

I got up, chatted with Jevim for half an hour or so, and told him that I'd finally heard from my friend Connie, who'd kept saying I'd hear from her over this past weekend, but turned out to be too busy to write. She said she wasn't going to promise to write anymore because when she thought she'd have the time, by the time it came she'd be too busy and wouldn't have a chance.

She also said that she'd be done working on the 24th (She's moving to Virginia to be with her SO this December), and she wanted me to come down, or to come up and visit. Of course, I'm so swamped with classes that I'm not sure if I'll be able to, but hopefully I can catch up some this week and maybe I can visit for a few days.

Anyway, back to Jevim... I told him about being so bogged down with classes and being behind in them (I've got another starting today, I must be insane!!!), and he said that maybe I should drop some of them (which wouldn't cost me, since VU is totally free, and ZDU is $4.95 a month no matter how many classes you're taking), and that he thought I should at least go down there so I could get Smoky, my big teddybear that I had before he gave me the one I have now last year.

I'd had to take Smoky to Connie's because Mom was threatening to throw him away... I'd been sitting in bed reading (or maybe chatting) one night, and had him beside me, but what I didn't realize, until I smelled singed fur, was that his ear was against the bare lightbulb on the gooseneck lamp I keep on my bed. It was singed and all the poly-whatever fur was melted and ruined on the back of his ear. That was how he got the name Smoky.

I told Jevim I was surprised he'd remembered Smoky, as I'd kind of forgotten about Connie giving him sanctuary, and he said that he may be forgetful at times, but he couldn't forget the bear who got me through the rough times before my new one came along. I don't know why, but that made me start to cry -- happy tears, mind you, but tears nonetheless. I didn't tell Jevim, I just hugged him and snuggled up to him (all virtually, of course).

Jevim had to head off to work, shortly thereafter, so I went back to bed and that's when I had the second dream.

In that dream, I had to go in for another visit with my urologist, and first off, I went into the lab downstairs and they checked my blood pressure(?? -- They usually do that upstairs, downstairs is just the "Vampire room" and X-Rays). The way they did it should have given it away as a dream to begin with, but I just shrugged it off... they laid the folded-up cuff over my arm, and it had a narrow cable attached to it that was also attached to a rectangular box with a readout that reminded me of the pulse-ox meter from the pulmonary lab where I had my lung function test (and where the doctor decided I needed the "oil change".

The numbers started out around 85, which would have been a good O₂ saturation for me... mine's usually around 70. But then it dropped into the upper 50's. *sigh*

Anyway, I went upstairs to the waiting room, and waited, and waited. Things in the waiting room were a little odd... for one, there was a vending machine where I bought some gum that accepted pennies as well as nickles, dimes and quarters, and then another girl who was there just opened the door in the side of the machine, walked in, and took what she and her brother wanted. She worked there, apparently.

Mom and I were there about an hour early, I guess, and we sat, and we sat, and eventually, Will and Ruth came in. Of course, they sat down beside me. They didn't talk to me at first... Ruth was talking to Will, but then she went in for her exam or whatever, and he turned around so he was facing backward in his chair... he had his shirt off, and his back was to me more than his side. He looked over his shoulder at me and asked "Do we still have a relationship?" (of the brother-sister kind) I told him that it was up to him... the door was still open as far as I was concerned, and he nodded, and asked (rather piteously) for a backrub.

I said okay, and got up and started massaging his back like I do for Jevim (which is not at all the way I used to massage his neck), and he said in surprise, "Two hands now?" I guess because he thought I'd only used one at a time before. I told him I'd had a good deal of practice with Jevim.

Of course, Ruth came back shortly thereafter, and though she seemed surprised, she didn't act mad. Chris was with her now, and I had sat back down, so he came over and sat on my lap (he was smaller/younger than when I last saw him), and he hugged me and snuggled up with me for a minute or two. Then it was time for them to go, and as Chris got up and walked away, Inoticed he had two earrings in one ear, and one earring in the other. I thought that was rather strange for a boy who was only maybe six, but I didn't say anything, and they walked out of the waiting room.

I looked at the clock, and it was a quarter past two now, when my appointment was supposed to have been at two. Mom had disappeared on me a couple times, so this time I decided to see what she was doing. I sneaked over to where she'd gone, and found her talking on a pay phone, behind some metal bookshelves. She was telling people that I didn't have very much time left -- maybe half an hour -- before surgery.

No one had discussed any surgery with me, and I started crying and thought of Jevim, who was so far away and there was no chance he could get there in time. I thought of him going to the airport and buying a plane ticket and explaining that he had to come see his girlfriend right away... I don't know where the thought came from, but he'd be coming to see his dead girlfriend.

For some reason, I had a piece of glass that was rounded like a mirror, but with a rectangular piece at the bottom (about 2/3 the width of the circular part, almost like some sort of handle). There was also the sideboard from our house to my right (mom was in front of me and we were in a sort of alcove. I held the mirror-glass up in front of the lower part of my face, and was looking into the mirror and watching the glass steam up as I sobbed that I wanted Jevim... that I didn't want surgery, that I wouldn't go...

That's when I woke up again and realized immediately that it had been a dream and nothing more.

What a way to begin the day!! The first dream was more a weird dream than a bad one, despite the dead body, but the second one... *shaking head* There was more to it, like the big lightboard display that was showing my name for some reason (and what made me go see what the heck mom was doing). The lightboard was taller than me, like one you would see at a civic center, listing the upcoming events.

Then there was also the little part where people were practicing for a musical, but they were walking down between the seats instead of up on stage. That part doesn't make any sense and I don't remember where it fit in except near the lightboard, but it was part of the dream and so I'll mention it. Maybe I'll remember more another time.

Anyway, I hope that today gets better! *rueful chuckle* I'm going to hop online and get the VU internet law stuff posted and convert this into HTML and add last night's entry to yesterday's page, and then I'll settle in and get to work, and see what's expected in the first week of our HTML class. Bye for now...

2:18 PM: Brain Burnout

I think of making graphics as fun... but trying to do so many for an assignment and get all the HTML coordinated and uploaded and making sure everything works correctly is a big job! That's why I like to keep the graphics on this site simple. Sure, it gets a bit monotonous, and maybe if I feel like it I'll get around to changing pages for the holiday season or something, but for now, simplicity is gonna be my middle name.

Hmm, Lisana Simplicity Westhaven? Interesting name, to say the least. Oh well... I think I'm going to go lay down and read and give my poor little brain a break. Actually, a nap sounds even better, but so does chocolate. *chuckle* Anyway, time to get away from the 'puter for a while before Jevim gets home. I didn't get any programming homework done today, but I would rather take a break than really burn out. TTYL...

5:31 PM: Loose ends...

I actually got away from the computer for a while, and since mom was gone to the bank to ask some questions about the loan, I went into the livingroom and curled up in my recliner to read. The cat hopped up with me (after some coaxing) and settled on the footrest, which was fine, since I had my feet curled under me. Started reading, but really didn't get past the intro of the book before Mom got home (it's an anthology of the Nebula Award winners for 1995).

Of course she laid down and turned on the TV, so that was the end of reading. Still, I stayed there for a while while she watched the end of Three Wishes on HBO, and then she asked the cats if they wanted to eat. That got them wanting to be fed, so I took my book, fed them, and came back in here for a bit to play some Net Scrabble turns and such.

Jevim never answered the message I sent him this morning about the bad dream (I really didn't ask him to reply), and I haven't heard from him yet this evening -- it's 6:35 his time now -- and so I'm starting to get just a tad worried. I tried calling his office, but he didn't answer and so I left him a message. Hope I hear from him soon... I just tend to worry, I guess.

I'm leaving my reminder from earlier in, but I guess it's time to answer. As far as what the dream with Will meant, I really don't know... I'm not exactly mad at him... but I'm not happy with the way I've been treated (or ignored) lately. If he were to ask if I still wanted them in my life, I wouldn't push them away; but except for the kids, I'd never be as close as I was at one time.

As for Jevim and graduating early... the class he'd thought wouldn't be offered again til next fall is being offered this spring, assuming enough students enroll in it to make it worthwhile and it doesn't get cancelled. That was one thing holding him back from graduating next fall, because he has one more class that he has to take after that.

But, he told me later last night, there are some 9 units of elective credits that he also needs to make up, and I guess he doesn't think he can squeeze those in as well as the rest of his required classes, in two full semesters and one summer semester. It would be very nice if he could, but I don't want him to push himself too hard and burn out before finals, so I won't pressure him into it by any means.

Mom was getting on my nerves again this evening while I was making my dinner... I had a frozen stir-fry kit, so I got out the wok and heated the oil like it said until the skillet was "very hot" (375 degrees was the meat setting on the wok) and then I put the shrimp in, which were frozen together in a lump, and of course they crackled and popped. Mom yelled out, "Sounds like you've got that WAY too hot..." I just ignored her. The shrimp turned out fine, of course, and as I was stirring the vegetables in the wok, she yelled out, "You're using a PLASTIC spoon, aren't you?" Geeze, you'd think I was fourteen years old and just learning how to cook for crying out loud.

<RANT MODE>I'm thinking, Excuse me, I did the majority of the cooking when I was with Jevim, both times, and I managed not to set anything on fire, burn anything, ruin any meals (okay, so the chili was a little too hot for Jevim, but I wasn't using my recipe like I wanted to), or ruin any cooking utensils, without her watching over me and making sure I was doing everything right. I can cook better than she can, these days, for crying out loud! *sigh* </RANT MODE>

Ah, I just got a note from Jevim, he's still at work and was ordering dinner when I called, and says he'll send another note shortly. Glad to know he's just working late and nothing is wrong. *sigh of relief* I'll wrap this up now, and catch up a bit on messages at VU since he's working late. Probably all I'll write for tonight...