October 23, 1997
Dreams
For once, I didn't have really bad or unpleasant dreams... the first one I remember I was websurfing, but nothing more at the moment.
In the second, Mom and I had gone to Target or something... wait, it was a "new" K-Mart, that had been totally redesigned... the front was 2 stories and glass, there was a restaurant as you went in, the floors were carpeted... all very plush, compared to a normal K-Mart... Somehow, Jevim showed up, and we returned something that I had bought, and we both picked out matching calculators (???) and he insisted on paying for mine... the dream went on from there, but I can't remember a whole lot except for a house with a very strange bathroom. Part of the floor was just wire mesh, and you could see down into the basement (and I could see one of the cats walking down below me).
11:08 am
I don't know what's wrong with me today... you'd think that after having dreams of Jevim, I'd be in a better mood, but I'm not. I guess I'm tired of being stuck here in the house. I haven't been out since we went to the library last week, I guess. :
I ended up dropping my C++ class... I'm so far behind that I'm never gonna get caught up, and I just lost my momentum and my motivation. Since this site has been my primary project lately, I think I'll just stick to the HTML and graphics classes for now at ZDU and the classes at VU, which don't involve as much work (though I've been ignoring the communication in emotionally charged situations class, too, not too sure why).
Right now, I'm just feeling lonely. I want someone to go and do things with, and I really don't want that "someone" to be Mom... I need someone nearer to my own age. *sigh* I know Connie and I don't spend a whole lot of time together, but once she goes, I'm not going to have anyone here. I know I should get involved in something (beyond my computer), but what? I don't feel like I belong at church... I don't like the school... I saw a post on the bulletin board at the library about them needing volunteers to help in the computer lab, but then I'd need a means of transportation, and I'd be going out in the cold weather, which I really don't want to be doing once the temps start dropping.
If not for Jevim, I think I'd be feeling just like I did when I first moved here to Missouri: alone and without reason to keep on living. What am I going to do when he heads back to school and I won't have a 'next visit' coming up soon to be looking forward to? At one time, I thought I'd be moving with Connie, but that didn't seem to be the right thing to do. Now, it seems that her SO thinks I hate her guts, and so I don't feel like I can even go and stay with Connie for a week or so to visit Jevim without making everyone uncomfortable. I don't know what to do...
I wish I were independant, and capable of making the big move like Connie's doing, but I don't even drive. Jevim asked me the other day why I don't have Mom teach me, and I told him that Mom's car is so big, I can't even see the front end of it over the dashboard, even sitting on my cushion. After that, he didn't ask me anymore about it, but... I don't know... I don't have any idea what to do right now.
Part of me wishes we still lived over in the downtown area, so I could walk down and at least look around downtown, go to Hallmark and drool over the Cherished Teddies, and maybe even walk to the library. But I can only do that in good weather... so what's the point?
One thing I really miss is my IRC friends in #cuddles. No one shows up there anymore... some have moved to another channel, but it's not the same. I've hopped in the Wellesley chat for now, so maybe I'll find someone to talk to there.
(Some time later...)
Well, I managed to help someone with her HTML, I think. :) She was trying to get her text to flow right around a border background. Had it looking good in IE, and hopefully got her on track to get it fixed in Netscape too....
(And still later...)
Yep, she came back and said it worked fine now, and I had to chuckle 'cause she asked if I was a GeoCities employee. Now, there would be the job for me!!! I wish... I've thought about becoming a community leader for my GeoCities neighborhood, but for now the application system appears to be closed. *sigh* So I guess I'll just lurk in Wellesley chat and help whomever I can.
I think I'm going to go see if I can hunt up a MIDI of "I'm so lonesome I could cry" ... I think it would fit today's mood just about right. I may type more later...
--Lis
4:19pm
Well, Jevim just called and said he's going to go out to a nice restaurant with some of his co-workers. I'm glad, 'cause I know he needs to spend time with people as much as I do. He also said I definitely have to be there on December 12th, as that's when the company he's working for is having their Christmas party. He said he told me early so I could start panicking now about learning how to dance. *chuckle*
I've been surfing through the channel list on IRC, looking for a decent place to chat... found one possibility, but there weren't many people there and I didn't feel completely comfortable... I'm only down to the C's (and I've only been in two channels), so maybe there's still hope.... back to surfing, for now...
6:40pm
Ah... well, I just had some unexpected visitors.... mom had invited a few of the neighborhood kids in and she told them if they came back here I'd show them the computer. Eeek! I took them to a coloring page, and let them each have a turn, which they seemed to think was fun.
11:10pm
Tonight has not been fun. Mom came in after the kids had gone, laughing about having sent them back into my room. I didn't think it was very funny, but she did. I laughed, but then kids usually do make you laugh.
Jevim got home about 10 minutes later and hopped online and we chatted, and then Connie ICQed me and she met us on IRC... I told her Mom would be gone this weekend (she's going up to Iowa to visit her aunt, and I don't want to go and listen to her racist and hateful talk or breathe her cigarette smoke) and I thought maybe she could come up on Saturday, before she had to work. And I told her that I had dropped my computer programming class, and I'd be more free to come down and visit (like she'd asked me to) once she quit her job with the state, but she never even acknowleged that I had said anything about either one.
I was chatting with Jevim in the other window, and told him how it made me feel, and he tried cheering me up. I suggested we play some more backgammon, which we did... he won the first game and then I won the next two, then we hopped offline to talk on the phone. As soon as I heard his voice, I started crying, and I was fighting back sobs most of the time. He told me to cry if I needed to, but I knew once I started I wouldn't be able to stop, and I know how frustrated I get if he's so upset that he can't talk...
He did get me to laughing at one point... I can't remember what he'd said, but it did make me smile. But as soon as he said that he missed me, I started in again, and I had to get him off the phone and on to bed before I really and truly broke down. He made me promise that I'd call if I needed him, no matter what time it was. I think I'll take the phone with me tonight when I go to bed, 'cause if I have bad dreams again, I'm definitely going to need him.
I lurked in the Wellesley chat room for a while after he went to bed, and tried to help someone having problems with sound recorder, but we couldn't seem to get it figured out. After that, I really couldn't get into the conversation, so I hopped in my hangout on IRC and chatted to the fella who was there, and then everyone started showing up like clockwork, and Judith from classes started ICQ'ing me... can hardly be lonely with all this going on, can I?
I'm munching on cheese and crackers... was getting hungry with people talking about food ... once I'm done, I'm going to go curl up with my teddy bear and hopefully dream of my real live teddybear.
*stunned, but happy expression* I just got an e-mail saying I've been accepted into "Phenomenal Women of the Web"!!!! that's a nice ending to what has been a not-so-nice day. I think I'll end this right here... bye for now!
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