Sunday, December 13, 1998
Evening
I don't know what happened this evening... I totally lost it, and I don't even know why. Jev and I were playing backgammon, and then not ten minutes later I was completely messed up.
I don't know what's going on right now... I really wish I did. I just felt like I had screwed everything up so horribly, that there was no way to fix what I'd done. I snapped at Jev... after we finished playing backgammon, he sounded pretty unhappy and I asked him if there was anything that would make him feel better. He said something about me showing up on his doorstep in five minutes, and of course that isn't exactly possible, with all the distance between us.
Well, we talked a little more, and I asked again what I could do that would make him happy, thinking he might have a more possible response, but he said the same thing again, and I snapped back at him that I couldn't just show up on his doorstep in five minutes, as much as both of us wanted me to. That's when things started going downhill, and looking back, it was pretty much my fault. That wasn't the only time I snapped at him, but I think it was the time that hurt him most.
He crawled up in bed at some point and laid down, in hopes of getting rid of the headache that had started when we started talking, and I just made a royal mess of things, and got to sobbing and not making any sense at all (I've been really good at that lately, I'm not sure why Jev even puts up with me)... he got me calmed down and rational again, and after a bit said something about his headache, so I suggested he take something for it. So he climbed back out of his loft, took a couple tylenol, and decided he was hungry, so he ran off for a bite to eat.
I sat here, losing at Spider solitaire, crying and saying 'I'm sorry' over and over, to the cat or the computer or anyone or anything... I'd screwed things up so badly, and it was all my fault.
Jev got back from his late dinner, and asked me if I was feeling better, and I was honest and told him no. He said he was sorry, and we were both kinda quiet for a bit, and I think that's when he turned on CMT and started typing his journal entry. I was still trying to drown my troubles in tears and solitaire, and didn't turn on CMT because I really didn't care, or feel like I deserved any pleasure, after all the mess I'd made.
I finally said something, about being sorry for being so screwed up, and that's when Jev responded with all the reassurance I was needing, which helped get me back together; he even made me laugh a little. Things got better after that, and I went and cross stitched while we watched The X Files together. As the show came to an end, he told me he had his journal entry posted. So I came back to the computer and read it, while he went off to get ready for bed.
Now he's up in his loft, slowly falling asleep. Hopefully I can do a better job of keeping myself together this next week... I don't think either of us need a repeat of the last couple nights, and I'm really ashamed of myself for the way I've been acting.
