Can't Put It Down

January 28. 1998

I made the mistake of starting to read Speaker for the Dead yesterday afternoon. I read little bits here and there throughout the evening, while waiting for pages to download, Jevim to return from the basketball game, so on and so forth. When I went to go to bed last night, I was just going to read a chapter or two, since it was late already.

Sometime after midnight, I put the book down at the end of a chapter and turned out the light. It didn't stay out more than twenty minutes, and I ended up staying up well past 3. Even then, I hadn't finished the book, but I knew my alarm would go off at 7:20, and I wouldn't be able to get up at all if I had less than four hours' sleep.

I woke up to the alarm and managed to get up and meet Jevim online. When he told me that the university would be closed with no classes until noon due to the heavy snows they've had, I told him I needed more sleep, and went back to bed. About 90 minutes later, I was back online, and feeling at least awake enough to play some backgammon with him and chat until it was time for him to get ready for his noon lab.

When he went off for that, I climbed back in bed for another 90 minutes or so, and so I've had almost a reasonable amount of sleep for the day, though I'm still kinda tired and out of it.

I probably would have slept longer both times, if not for dreams. In the first, Jevim was moving into an apartment where he would live while he was at school (and I could not stay there with him any longer than to help him get settled). He was very unhappy because I would be leaving soon, and I remember holding him for a while as he cried and held on to me. Later, I guess I had gone to sleep and while I slept he'd gone off to class and I wanted to do something around the apartment to remind him of me when I wasn't there.

In the dream after Jevim left for class, I was with him at some relatives of his (or so I assume) and we went out on the front porch and saw a tornado heading toward us. I told everyone to run down to the basement, having had a tornado through town here a couple years ago. We did, but everyone sat under this bridge in a porch-type affair, with floor to ceiling glass windows behind them.

I told them to move away from the windows, but they would not, except for Jevim, who came when I pulled him away from them. I held him close as the tornado approached, and it didn't seem to do any damage as it passed over the house, but then there were mini-tornadoes (only a foot or two high) that popped into existence inside the porch, swirling the loose pages of my notebook that I suppose was my journal around, before disappearing again.

After the mini-tornadoes disappeared, the bridge under which most everyone was sitting (it looked like it was constructed of wicker and bamboo) began to crumble and I yelled at them to get out from under it, before it collapsed. The rest of the above ground portion of the house began to collapse as well, and after that, someone led the way to the real basement, where we were safe.

There were more strange bits and pieces to the dream, but they didn't really involve Jevim except for when we were down in the real basement (where I had been earlier in the dream) and I realized one of the rooms I'd been exploring was actually his room), and a part where baby birds were learning to fly (one of Jev's relatives was tossing one back up into the air again and again to get it to try to fly when the tornadoes first appeared), and earlier down in the basement when I was with Connie, and we realized the afghan I was crocheting for Jevim wasn't full of brambles or dustbunnies, but tarantulas. Before that, somehow I had gotten too close to a microwave (or somesuch) and ruined the right lens of my glasses, causing a big chunk of it to fall out, and the rest of it to crack (which makes me think of tearing the chunk out of one of my contacts the other day when I was cleaning it to store it).

Weird stuff, none too pleasant dreams, except for the fact that I was with Jevim. There was one rather humorous part, when the mini-tornado came in and started shuffling my papers around, it also left with some (if not all) of Jevim's clothes. This was while I was holding him, and I don't remember losing my own clothes, but I could feel his skin beneath my fingers, something I really miss.

There was a line in Speaker that really reached out and grabbed me...

"For he loved her, as you can only love someone who is an echo of yourself at your time of deepest sorrow."

It reminds me of the way I feel about Jevim, and the way I felt about him when we first started getting to know each other. I guess he reminded me of myself ... alone, and feeling like he had few friends, and fewer who really cared for him as true friends.

With a year and a half now since we came to meet, I think we've both come a good way from what we were then. I do miss him when we can't be together, but the very fact that he is in my life makes me feel complete, and content. I love him completely, and I don't think there's anything I wouldn't do for him, as long as it didn't go against my morals... maybe even some things that I would do for him that did.

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