Friday, May 29, 1998
2:15 PM
After all the frustration and such I was going through over the contact lens thing, I was pleasantly surprised by my new optometrist. I got a complete eye and contact lens exam, and any necessary exams for a year for $75, and the lenses he set me up with are less expensive than the ones I had before, not to mention more comfortable. The doctor was very nice and softspoken and not at all intimidating. (I tend to get nervous around bossy/intimidating males.)
An even nicer surprise was when he told me I didn't have to throw away the lenses and open a new pair every two weeks like my last optometrist told me. He said as long as they were comfortable, and not causing any irritation, I could wear a pair of lenses from two to four weeks, or even an entire month, using the care program that I did with the old lenses. That's fantastic because it means about a 50% savings. All told, if these new lenses stand up to the wear, I can keep myself in contacts for about $80 or $100 a year, or thereabouts. Since I have the same prescription for both eyes, I only have to buy a box (3 pair) at a time, and the doctor told me I just had to come in and tell them I needed another box, no problems. I'm happy now. And I can see again!
I really l ike wearing contacts, because it means I have my peripheral vision back, and it's clear. With glasses, anything out of the corner of my eye is not seen through the lens and so it's pretty blurry. Plus there's no glare to deal with, and I can wear sunglasses when it's bright out. I've worn glasses since I was twelve, and while I still prefer to wear them if I'm going to be at the computer all day, I'll take the contacts any other time.
I had a strange wakeup call this morning... Mom was in the kitchen, frantically ordering my cat to "Drop it, Munchie! Drop it!!" over and over again, punctuated by the occasional whap on the head (of the cat), and the half-strangled whirring and chirring of a single cicada.
After it was all over, I got the full story of what had happened: Mom had gone out early this morning to water the plants that needed it, and when she came back in, she shook her shirt to make sure none of the nasty little buggers had hitched a ride in. Well, one had, and it fell to the rug, where my cat was on it in a heartbeat. She grabbed it in her mouth and ran into the kitchen, where Mom tried to get it away from her, and finally succeeded. There was a report on the news that the husks of the buggers can make animals sick, so she didn't want Munchie to eat it. I'm just thankful that Munchie isn't the sort of cat to bring her owner gifts. I would not have enjoyed waking up to a cicada in my bed!
Once the excitement died down, Munchie came and told me all about it. Whenever Mom scolds her, she comes running in here to me, crying as if she's telling me how awful Mom is. It's really funny, because she acts like I can understand her, and the more sympathetic I act, the more stories she tells me. I have such a character for a cat.
I'd told Mom I'd go to a few of the yard sales and rummage sales with her today, so I got dressed and we headed out, and after Mom shooed one of the little buggers off the car door on my side, we were off. Strange, the only place in town we ran into the cicadas was on our street, and here they are just thick!
I found a few books -- two of the "People of the..." books by Kathleen and Michael O'Gear, and "Airframe" by Michael Crichton -- for a dollar each, a Christmas cross stitch mini-ornament of a kitty that looks like our Morris (and the 9 Lives Morris) to make for Mom, and Mom found some pants and tops for me, which she bought. Actually, she paid for the books too, come to think of it. After killing a couple hours at home, we headed out to the bank so I could pay rent and such, then we were off to Wal-Mart where I had my eye exam, and so on.
Mom dropped me off at home, then ran her lady friend around town on some errands, so I got comfortable and since two of the cats were curled up next to each other on Mom's bed, I got out the videocamera and started taping them. Munchie came when I said her name to get her attention, and walked out of the shot. Morris just looked at me and looked bored. After that, I wandered around with the camera a bit and shot some tape of my cross stitch in progress. By that time, Mom was home, and she played with Munchie to get her to do her little falling-over submissive routine. She's so 'sumbissive,' she hisses when Mom reaches for her tummy. Such a brat! I shot some more footage of the cats, then ran it back and played it in the VCR for Mom.
I'd like to get a Snappy (or something similar) and transfer some images to the computer, but I already have one large purchase lined up for my trip. I promised Connie a new modem since she's still at 14.4k, and since I'm at 28.8k and my ISP now supports K56 flex (as does her new one), I think I'll buy us both new modems at the computer show. My old modem is a weird in-between technology called V.fast class and it doesn't like talking to x2 modems, but seems to be doing okay (most of the time) with the k56 flex. Still, a big jump in speed would be nice! I tend to download a lot of stuff, so that would definitely speed things up. I think Jev is thinking of getting a faster modem too, though his was upgradeable to 33.6k. Anyway, I'll probably spend more than I should while I'm there, but as Mom says (when I'm in a penny-pinching mood) what good is money if you can't spend on things you want?.
After lunch, I came back and hopped online, and my uncle showed up on my buddy list in AIM. I don't normally use AIM, but since Jev is on AOL for the summer, it lets me know when he's online, and I do have a few other friends who also use AOL. I prefer ICQ, but I hear that AOL has or is going to buy ICQ, and I have no idea what's going to become of it. It would be fine with me if ICQ replaced AIM, 'cause I think AIM is lacking in a number of areas, but I hope they don't do away with any of ICQ's features, or start charging for it. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
7:35 PM
Okay, I confess. One of the reasons I prefer to wear contacts is pure vanity and self-image. I think of my need for corrective lenses as just one more imperfection among many, but at least it's one that can be easily taken care of, and for a bit of extra money, it can be hidden, at least to the casual observer. Face it, I have acne, I have a twisted body and a hunched back, crooked teeth and a rather clumsily repaired cleft lip, my lips are blue, my fingers and toes are clubbed, I barely measure in at 4'9" and I think I'm probably shrinking, and I've put on 20 pounds in less than a year. I look terrible, or at least I think I do when I look in the mirror most days. If I'm on an emotional high, sometimes those things don't bother me, but most of the time they do. Wearing glasses is just one more thing added to all the above imperfections; it makes me feel like I look even more like a nerd, and it's something I can avoid. So maybe I'm a little vain... or maybe it's just a little self-image booster that I like to use. I'm not going to go out to Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig or starve myself thin, so this is my way of doing it.
That doesn't mean I'm not going to try to lose a little weight this summer; a lot of what I've put on is due to winter inactivity.... and Christmas candy... and Valentine's Day candy... My body and cold weather don't get along well (Jev can attest to that, he's seen me get too cold a few times already), so I stay indoors, and I don't move around a lot when it's cold.
Now, because of those stupid bugs outside, I haven't been going out in the evenings like I like to do either, so I'm really not making any progress. I asked Jev when we talked on the phone a few hours ago, and he says he hasn't noticed any cicadas around there (I suspect it's just a plains and prairie type thing), so that at least won't keep me indoors. Smog might be a concern, but I think there are enough malls, shops, museums and so on within reasonable distance from where Jev is at that we can probably find nice places to walk any time we please. I hope so, anyway. I hope he's realizing that I'm serious about this exercise thing. *chuckle* Maybe once I get home, the stupid bugs won't be so thick (it seems like all the rain has really multiplied their numbers this year), and I can go out for walks in the early evening or something.
The past few days, I've been thinking of putting more of my older writing online. I dug out a paper journal I started, when I meant to write of happy times and go back and read them later, when things were rough, to make me remember how good it could be. Funny, there were only two or three entries there, and they all concerned my former friends, and their kids. Strange how much things have changed. Now, seeing their minivan causes a rush of adrenaline and fear... What will they do if they see me? Will they wave and say hello? Look right through me? Tell me to get out of their way? I don't know, and I'm afraid to find out. But I get the feeling that before I move away, we're going to wind up running into each other somewhere, and I'll have to make a decision of how to react. I think, actually, that there is a part of me that needs it to happen; that needs a true sense of closure, and not just a year or two of silence. It's been nearly that long now, but somehow, that just doesn't tie up the loose ends. Ah, well, if it's meant to happen, it will.
I pointed Jev to yesterday's entry last night, so he could see my new little mascot, China, and he read not only that entry, but at least the one from the day before, and my Intellectual Autobiography as well. He complemented me on my writing in the essay, but the entry from the 27th upset him, for understandable reasons. We talked on the phone after he read it, and talked about it a bit. One thing he said during the conversation that he'd do whatever it takes to make me happy, including being the one to be sterilized. That's not something I want; while it may be the best option for my health, it's also the selfish option for me. I won't go into more detail for now, because this is something Jev and I have yet to talk about, but it's something I feel very strongly about.
Also brought up by that earlier entry was Jev's wondering if we'd have found each other if he had chosen not to co-op like he has. If he hadn't chosen that path, he'd already have graduated, and we could be together now... assuming that we'd had the same run of fate that brought us together in the first place. I don't know... personally, while I do wish we could be together and married now, I can wait another year. Yes, something might happen to me, or to him, or to the whole world as he said last night, but those aren't things we have any control over, and I wouldn't want to go back and take the risk of not finding one another if we'd done things differently. We simply belong together, and while I hope that we can be together for a long, long time -- Jev said last night he wanted to celebrate our 80th birthdays together, or something along those lines -- but even if our time together is short, I won't regret it at all.
This all seems so unfair, though. I feel like Jev gets the short end of all this... at times, I wonder what it is that makes him stay, when I may have ten years, or fifty. It finally sank in last night after we got off the phone... most people with my problems don't live past their early forties. I'm 27 now and 40 isn't all that far away. I've averaged one serious medical problem a year for the past three years now... that doesn't seem like a very good sign.
I'd best wrap this up before I get much more depressing. Actually, I'm not depressed at the moment; I'm feeling pretty good. But the topic is not encouraging, and I don't want to make Jev worry even more about something we can't do anything about.
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