October, 1997
By now you may think that my life has been nothing but bad, but that's not true. For one, there is a very important guy in my life, who has made the past year and more bearable, and we've shared some really wonderful times.
I've spent much of my "grown up" life thinking that I would always be alone. I was afraid of guys, especially of being alone with them, and even if I wasn't, well who was going to want me, anyway? I had a few crushes... I had a very close friendship that at times I might have wished was more than friendship, but up until just before my 25th birthday, I never really had a boyfriend. I remember the night of my 24th, which I spent crying about always being alone.
My one guy friend (the one whom I had grown very close to) told me last summer that he was bisexual, as was his wife, and another of my friends, who is more like a sister to me, also told me that she was bi. I had no problem at all with this, but it really got me to thinking, and made me realize that I was attracted to certain females, and not just as friends.
I told my two friends, and my oldest brother, all of whom took it well, and I started using a quote from a Garth Brooks song in my .sig in one of the newsgroups I posted in...
"When we're free to love anyone we chose... we shall be free..."
Well, the sig caught the attention of someone in this newsgroup, and she wrote me and we wrote back and forth a bit and outed to each other (she said she was bi, too) and eventually we met on IRC at my "sister's" and my online friend's "brother" happened to be there for a visit and so the four of us chatted back and forth, and I eventually started writing to her bro, whom I'll call Jevim. [There's more to this story, about me and my newsgroup friend, but that's something to be told another time]
Jevim and I wrote lots of e-mail (that and newsgroups were all I really had access to at the time), and talked on the phone some, and sooner or later (I think it was sooner), we realized we were falling for each other. But I lived in Missouri and he was in Maryland for co-op and would be going back to school in Virginia in the fall. My sis and my newsgroup friend eventually grew close too, and so we all decided to meet at a convention in Ohio in October.
This was something I was looking forward to, but it was a very scary thought, too. I kept warning Jevim that I was going to be extremely shy and nervous, and that I didn't want him to think it was because I didn't like him. We both went crazy with nerves and anticipation until the day finally came (I think it's something like a year ago this next week now -- October 25-27, 1996).
My sis and I got in on an earlier flight, so we had checked in and made ourselves comfortable, and were waiting down in the lobby when the hotel shuttle brought them in from the airport. The picture he had scanned and sent really didn't do him justice *drool* ;) ... and as soon as he saw me (and put down his duffel bag), he swept me right off my feet and into a hug... how could I resist?
The four of us made our way back to our room (it was cheaper to share, though in hindsight I'm not so sure that was a great idea) and Jevim and I exchanged teddy bears (since we both like them for hugs, etc), and we sat on the bed, him behind me and wrapped around me. I was nervous, but I wasn't falling apart.
After a while, we went with some of my newsgroup friend's friends to a Ryan's restaurant, and then back to the convention for an introductory 'Mad Hatter's tea party' where we talked for a little bit, though I was still very shy and tongue-tied. We eventually wound up back in the hotel room, where my sis and her then (and now) girlfriend were cuddling on their bed. They'd had the advantage of having met before the planned group get-together, so it was just Jevim and I who were first getting to know each other in real life.
I was fighting my normal reactions, trying to get close to Jevim, but between being nervous about that, and my sis and her gf making me more nervous, I didn't get anywhere. Jevim got upset -- not understanding why I wouldn't get close to him -- and after he and his sis had a talk, I asked him to come out of the room with me. I didn't know where we would wind up, but he followed, and we made our way out into the atrium in the middle of the hotel. It was a touch cool, and I was wearing a short sleeved shirt, so it made a good incentive to curl up together.
He found a chair, which was a bit damp, and wiped off as much of the water as he could and then sat down, and gestured for me to sit on his lap. I did, and we hugged, and cuddled, and worked our way up to kissing, and then he french-kissed me, which was a bit startling at first, but once I got used to the idea, it was far from unenjoyable.
I can't remember what we talked about, or if we really talked much at all, but I remember the full moon shining down on us, and his face in the moonlight, and the kids who ran through yelling, "Hey, there's kids here!!!" as if we were doing anything more than just cuddling.
Cuddling out under the stars helped defeat some of my nervousness, and made me a little more sure of myself, though I was still fairly shy for our short time together, and there were times when he'd tickle me to try to get me to talk.
The hotel room only had two double beds, so of course we slept together... he in his grey sweat-shorts, and I in my full-length flannel teddybear jammies. *chuckle* I was tired and hurting from the trip, and eventually drank a little bit of the Goldschlagger that my sis had brought to put myself out since it felt like I would never get to sleep.
The second day, we went down to the arcade and played some (he beats me even in the video games I used to play when I was younger), and attended the various convention functions, and the second night, he took me out to Red Lobster for dinner. Spoiling me already... a habit he keeps to this day. I think I had shrimp linguine or somesuch, and he had the Ultimate Feast, and I think he let me nibble a little from his plate (I was already stuffed from my own dinner, or I'd have nibbled more! I had only been to Red Lobster one other time in my life until then).
We attended a bit more of the convention that night after dinner, but we were both tired and so we eventually had the room back to ourselves, and cuddled and 'explored' a little more. I was getting nervous and we wound up quitting before we really wanted to, but later he said he was surprised that we went as far as we did.
Sunday came all too soon, and I think that's the morning when he and I walked over to McDonald's for breakfast. Actually, he carried me piggyback partway, because my endurance sucks and I was getting tired. I felt a little self-conscious, and I was a *lot* saddlesore for a couple days afterward, but it was just one of those little things that showed me that he really cared about me.
After breakfast, we got packed and ready to go, and took our stuff down to the closing ceremonies of the convention, spending as much time together as we could before we had to go our separate ways. Jevim and his 'sis' saw us off on our shuttle to the airport, and that was the last I would see of him until the following spring, but the number of phonecalls and e-mail and such definitely increased. By then I had a local ISP account and could lurk online for as long as I wanted (I have my own phone line just for it).
I think I've rambled enough for one section. There will definitely be more about Jevim... we're still together and as I type this, I'm waiting for him to get home and get online (though it doesn't look like it will be before his volleyball game tonight).
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