One of the really big problems Jev and I have to cope with while we're apart is scheduling, or making time to be together. I'd say it's the second most common cause of problems between us, with our communications problems coming in at number one. To be blunt and to the point, Jev has a life outside of his room; I don't feel like I have much of one outside of mine.
Take, for example, a typical week: For simplicity's sake, we'll say it's sunny and 72 degrees F, and the roads are perfectly clear the whole time. I might get out of the house for a bit three days out of those seven.
That's going to get groceries, necessities at wallyworld, and hitting the bank (and the library if I'm lucky) one day; going with Mom to one of the senior centers for lunch another (I'm not particularly fond of that, but it gets me out of the house); and if I'm really lucky, I'll get to Columbia (the closest thing to civilization around here) for a doctor's appointment -- mine or mom's -- and maybe get to go to Michael's and a store or two in the mall. Columbia happens only every couple months though; more often it's Mom saying there's a yard sale I just have to go to with her -- which usually winds up having little or nothing of interest to me.
Mind you, getting out three times consitutes a really good week. In the dead of winter, getting out more than once (usually a grocery run) is pretty special. I may as well be under house arrest.
The remaining four to six days, I dare say that 21 or more hours are usually spent inside these same four walls -- I mean my bedroom. I'll go out of my room for the usual -- food, bathroom, chores, occasionally to check the mailbox, and sometimes to play with the cats -- but the rest of the time. . .
My room's not all that entertaining. So I usually spend a lot of time online. I have my journal and a couple webrings to keep up, and an e-mail pal to write to, but after that, there's only so much websurfing an individual can stand. So I really look forward to the times when Jev's online.
Of course, he wants to make me happy (read: keep me company and spend time with me), but he has responsibilities and needs too: classes, homework, food, his bookstore job, leisure time, time outside of his dorm room and away from his roomie. I'm sure he puts as many of those things as he can second a lot of the time, to spend time with me. There just don't seem to be enough hours in his day, and there are far too many in mine.
This wasn't a problem over break; we had each other's company practically 24/7, to the point where I'm sure we were each getting on the other's nerves, just a bit. It's just a problem when I feel so much like a prisoner.
I don't mean to come across as that I feel any of this is Jev's fault. Sure, he loses track of time now and again (happened tonight, which indirectly prompted this entry), but I know that I'm the one with the problem, because I'm the one without a life, or a plan.
That absolutely HAS to change!!!
Sure, Jev and I will be living together in just a few more months, and I'm sure I can make it that long without cracking and totally losing my mind. But then he'll have a full time job, and I'll still be alone for a good deal of the day. When he gets home, we'll have some time together of course, but he's still going to need his space, and his leisure time, and he'll still want to watch a ball game now and then.
I always thought I was pretty good at sharing. I remember going to a Bob's Big Boy when I was maybe five or six, with my Pokey toy (you know, like Gumby and Pokey...) I only had the Pokey, and that was probably because he was a horse, and I adored them even at that age. I don't think I'd had Pokey all that long, else why would I have taken him to the restaurant with me; at any rate, the little guy must have meant a lot to me.
There was another child about my age there; it's been so long ago that I can't remember if it was a boy or a girl, but I'll just say girl to make this make sense. I guess my mom thought that her family looked like they couldn't afford much... or maybe her momma and mine talked, I have no recollection. Anyway, she and I must have been sitting at adjacent tables, because we played back and forth with my Pokey, and I guess she really took a shine to him.
When we got up to go, my mom took me aside and told me that if I was nice and let the other little girl have my Pokey, maybe Santa would bring me a special present. It must have been pretty close to Christmas, because a six year old doesn't have much patience for something like that, unless the reward is something not too far off.
I gave my Pokey to the other little girl -- I may have had to think about it for a minute or two, but it didn't take terribly long -- and sure enough, on Christmas morning, both Pokey and Gumby were in my stocking. I knew Santa must have thought I was a very nice little girl, to have given away my precious Pokey, and I've always tried to remember that, and think of others first when I encounter a situation where I have the opportunity to share.
So, I still think I'm fairly good at sharing material objects; I'm not too bad at giving of my time; but when it comes to Jev's time and attention.... that's when it really gets hard. I want him to be happy. I want to give him the freedom he needs, to do the things that he enjoys. I also want him to spend time with me.
I try my best to give him the freedom, and close my mouth on my wants and needs, but I can only do that so much before it really starts affecting our relationship. He's a worrier, and he can sense it, even if I don't say a word. He knows... he hears it in my voice when we talk. But he still needs to take care of his responsibilities, meet his basic needs, and then he has to decide who gets what's left of his time.
I feel awful for putting him in that situation, but the past couple days when I've tried to speak up for myself and handle things differently, it only seems to make the situation more strained. Where's the safe path? The middle ground?
The obvious answer is that I need to get a life. A purpose. A plan. Something I can do, for me, that makes me happy.
I just haven't put my finger on it yet.
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