- Can he live without you? Sure he can. He is not an imbecile. He can open a can, do a load of laundry, figure out where milk is once it's outside the cow. He's an adult. He will manage to feed himself. He'll live.
back to topThe children need a father? The kids have a father, what they need is a good father as a role model. Being a sperm donor doesn't make a man a good father...it doesn't even make him a man. The kids need peace, a health and happy home environment away from fear and pain. They need you in one piece.
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You can't make it alone? Why not. Is it easy? No. Is your life easy now?
Sure, being alone will be hard in a different way, but not much harder, or easier for that matter, than living on egg shells at the whim of another.Give yourself credit for what you do!I found out that I was just as much a single parent before I left as I was after! The difference? One less person in underwear asked me "When's dinner" every night. Seriously, the peace I had in my home once I left made it all worthwhile. And here's a sobering thought; the reality of the situation is that if it's too much for you, you can always go back to what you know.
BUT
Please consider the consequences before you put youself and your children back in the abusive environment. Find a support group, talk to a therapist or trusted friend. Getting out again may not be easy.I almost went back. I almost caved in. After another relentless phone call with him begging, whining, promising, attempting his version of "sweet talk," I almost gave up. I was tired. I was lonely. I was overwhelmed. It would be sooo much easier to just give up and go back. Every day was a new challenge that I didn't know if I could meet. My son depended on me and I didn't know where our next meal was coming from. Living with an abuser may have been hell but it was hell I knew.
I reached to pick up the phone to call him and something stopped my hand. Some inner drive for self preservation that has gotten me this far was not going to let me go now. Instead of dialing his number, I called the shelter and asked for help. They told me where a support group was meeting that night and when. I grabbed my son's dinner plate off the table, slid the food off the breakable plate and on to a plastic one with a cover, snagged my purse and the keys to the borrowed car I used, took my son's hand and headed out the door. I tossed the dinner in the back seat, my purse in the front, buckled the kid up and we headed to the church where the group was meeting.
Now here's the pay off to the story:
I had never been to this group meeting before. Only three women attended including me, along with the counselor,also a survivor. Both the other women had left their abusers and gone back. Each had a story to tell and each urged me to be strong. Do not go back. Their lives had not changed for the better. Each wished they had not returned to their abuser.
I never considered it again. I owe those two anonymous angels a debt that can never be repaid.
back to topDo you need to earn a Ph.D. before you'll leave? Of course not.
There are organizations and people just waiting to help you. Ask. It's hard, I know. There is no shame in asking for help. Some resources to check out are the blue pages (Guide to Human Services section) in your phone book, local Y, women's shelters, other United Way sponsored organizations, church groups, search the internet. Retraining programs are available for homemakers returning to the work place, employment assistance, classes and courses. If you didn't graduate from high school, you can get help with your GED. If you're offered a self-esteem building course, consider taking it. College level courses are available through situational scholarships -- some provide a stipend to help with living expenses and books.
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"I don't have any skills." Give yourself credit for what you do every day. You cook, clean, organize, manage, communicate with people of various age and skill levels, budget funds and time, decorate and plan -- and that is just at home. Add an outside the home job and you've increased you talents! Shake off the negative words and thoughts of others. YOU CAN DO IT.
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If one party is happy with the status quo, there is no incentive to change. Does your abuser even think they have a problem? Life is just fine according to them -- YOU'RE the problem.
It takes two; two to argue, two to have abuse (one hitter, one hittee), two to work to fix the problems. It doesn't get "better" magically on its own. Both parties have to admit there is a problem and then work to solve it. Like GI Joe said, "Knowing is half the battle."
There is something that you can do to make it better. You can leave, protect yourself and your children. See if it gets better from a safe distance.
back to top- No one will believe you? Why wouldn't they believe you? You think you need proof; something more than just your word? A picture is truly worth a thousand words and bruises don't lie. Telling the right people works too.
My abuser was a cop. He had me convinced that "they" would believe him instead of me. "They" were his friends...his buddies...and that cops stick together. What chance did I think I had against that? I believed him. He was wrong. When I finally went to shelter, guess what happened? I told them the truth. They believed me. I didn't have all the things that I thought I needed to "convince them" I needed their help. I didn't even think I was "that abused." They saw it from another point of view.Abuse is abuse. Saying that you are a little abused is like saying you are a little pregnant. You either are or you aren't.
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You'll lose the kids? Does it happen? Yes, unfortunately it does. We have all heard the urban legends and war stories. An abuser is not the first choice of the court when it's seeking sound parental stock. Did you file an abuse complaint or a protection order? Did he abuse or threaten to abuse the children, hurt their pets, damage their property? Did you report it to a mandated reporter such as a doctor, social worker, therapist, school counselor, pastor, or nurse practitioner? Don't wait for them to take action to protect your children. YOU do it! The court won't take the children away from you for reporting abuse...only it might for not reporting it. By reporting the abuse, you are taking a stand on their behalf. The court's priority is the best interest of the child. Make sure that they are safe and then that their best interest is served by staying with you.
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He does this for your good???
It makes me want to ask the obvious question. "Was it good for you?" Take that any way you want to take it. Think about it. What did you get out of the experience? How are you a better person? I thought about it. The answer I got was, "No! I'm not better, I'm worse."The abuse has nothing to do with you. It is your partner's way of dealing with their own frustrations, anger, feelings of insecurity and anxiety. If you weren't there, they'd be hitting someone/something else. Anyone who hits you means you no good at all. They are trying to hurt you to make themselves feel better about themselves. It doesn't work. It will never work. But they keep trying it and will as long as they have someone to try it on.
I once was beaten for leaving "junk" on the microwave after I was told to clean up all the "junk" in the living area. The "junk" was 2 coupons I planned to use when I went grocery shopping. It was the only place I was allowed to go without prior approval but I still had to get permission, and I could only go once every two weeks. It was the day I was to go food shopping. When I tried to explain why I had left them there, I was accused of being sarcastic and smart-mouthed. I was "talking back" to him. He slapped my face, then slapped off my glasses, and continued to throw me from major appliance to major appliance like a rag doll, screaming my faults at the top of his lungs as he swung at me when I tried to stand up. While his hands were around my throat, pressing me into the refrigerator, I drifted to that safe place inside of me he could not get to as I endured the rest of the beating. He could do what he wanted to the outside, but he was never getting to the inside.
All this to make me a better person? No, it was because he had had a bad week at work. It is a memorable beating because it was the last one. After that, I resolved to leave with my son as soon as I could.
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You dream of a good marriage? Be careful of sentences that start "If only..." They can be serious traps. Consider this expression, "If only your aunt had balls, she'd be your uncle."
Can people change? Sure. If they are motivated to do so by self-interest. Statistically though, abusers tend to not change, they just find other people to abuse.
Remember a dream is just that...a dream, not reality.
Will this marriage magically become what you dream it could be -- what you think it should be -- what you wish it would be? Nope.
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Mom says stay? Other family members urge you to stay? Why? For religious reasons? Is this a version of "you made your bed, now lay in it?" Did mom get hit by dad or her partners? Are these people who are telling you to stay going to take the next punch for you? When they are willing to do that, they have a right to say what you do or don't do. Until then, it is just another attempt to control you, to get their goals met through your actions. Whose life is this anyway? What debt could you possibly "owe" these people that has to be paid by your pain? I know a woman who stayed married to an abusive man for 25 years, saying many of the statements to herself that appear at the top of this page. She left him during their first year of marriage but returned to the marriage mainly because her family sent her back with the admonition that this was the life she had chosen. That was in the late 40's.
As a mother, she'd advise you to leave. She supported me when I left and I was married to her son.
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"He says"...
I say consider the source.
Has he promised not to hit you again? Has he hit you again?
Has he promised not to drug or drink? Has he kept that promise?
He says you make him do it? Did you hit yourself with his hand???? No, that is silly. You can't make him or anyone else do anything. He does it because he has made the decision to use pain and intimidation as a way to get what he wants. On the playground, he would be called a bully. In a relationship, he is an abuser.
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He says he loves you? Love doesn't inflict pain on purpose. That's not love, that's control. There is a difference. Would he agree to you showing your "love" exactly the same way? I don't think so.
To my way of thinking,
Do to others as you would have them do to you.
or If it doesn't fit that, it doesn't flush. Treat people the way you want to be treated.
What do you think?Do you find that his statements of love along with flowers, gifts and an apology follow a beating? That is typical of the cycle that abusive behavior follows. It is so set a pattern that when a group of abused women in shelter watched a video as part of an abuse awareness program, we all reacted to the abuser in the video as he let his anger and frustration build to the level of violence against his children and wife. Women in the room were actually shaking in response to the visual cues. We were totally safe, yet reacted to the conditioning we all had received in our abusive relationships. Here's more information about the "cycle of abuse" or you can go back to the question being considered.