Thoughts

April 4, 1998 20:45 CST

another time to sit and realize...lost friends, new pains, broken thoughts....and a shattered mind. i sit here...once again becoming a worthless mass of flesh. I think....on and on my thoughts travel through the shiny little pieces of my mind. Thoughts of death, thoughts of love, thoughts of thoughts.......thoughts of nothing. I just sit and think. With each thought, I learn to despise myself more and more deeply. I'm losing sight of why i love, of why i care....of why i live. I no longer care if people care about me anymore.....things change. hearts change.... No one will care in a month. I'll have different people worrying about me or if i'm lucky, no one at all will care. i'll finaly be alone...just to be miserable, yet i'm miserable with these people who care too. I just sit here and wallow in my self-pity and wonder why this agony hurts so good. it feels as though my entire soul is dying within me. my tears burn on my cheeks. all these childish tears......yet i'm not ashamed. i don't care anymore...my whole body just aches and moans as i realize how many people i love are gone. i long to have them back with me again, but i don't even know where to start. these tears just keep coming. its been so long since i have truly cried.... all these little tears, small pieces of my soul....they just run down my cheeks...my life flows before me....but it only washes away my smiles....the pain just wells up inside me, but never spills out.....
living....for what? to find love? to realize my dreams? to spread joy to others? no....no one understands....i live for death......the only true peace i'll ever find.....why? why...why.....why can't i fix myself? why can i live with who i am? why won't you fucking listen? i can't just fix myself like you do....you don't understand and you won't take the time to listen.....none of you ever do......i truly long to die.......my tears could never untangle my soul enough to set it free......no one can fix me....and i don't have the heart to try........so just give me a way out.........let me go....21:12 CST

March 29, 1998 12:13 CST

I cannot feel your ling'ring touch. I cannot hear your gentle voice. Yet I know you're here. I feel your love within my heart. I hear your breathing as you sleep. Yet I am not here. Confusion weaves through mind and soul as I wait for you. Visions of that timeless face crowd my tired mind. Where are you? I long to stop your helpless tears. I burn to hold you in my arms...yet you are gone. Once again, gone, to your savior. The savior I'll never be. Gone to that pain I cannot heal and on to a death I cannot stop.....i love you..if you only knew....12:21 CST

March 26, 1998 14:58 CST

Thoughts parade around my mind. Tears slip down my cheeks...and I just sit. I feel the warm wind blow through my hair, yet i am chilled. My hands tremble and my throat tightens. What have I become? Once...I was so happy. No questions crowded my mind, no fears overcame my joys, and no guilt filled my soul. Yet I wasn't happy then either. I was innocent; I was secure. I was a child.

Now...I am a child no longer, yet i have not grown to adult. I'm caught in between innocence and death. I long to return to my fingerpaints, to return to quiet days of fairytales and naptimes, but I cannot. That time has pasted. Now I spend my days, thinking, questioning, fighting..... I think of things yet to come, I think of days gone by...and I question things I cannot change. I yearn for a knowledge....yet I don't know where to find it. I long for the understanding few seem to have...and I fight. I fight everything. I devour those who hate me, I rip apart things unknown , I lash out at those who wish to love me....and i send away the ones i love. I feel an everlasting need to be alone, yet...yet my tears reveal the truth.

I long for companions. I long for people who understand my thoughts without having them explained. I merely long for acceptance, but I fight to be held apart. A war rages within me. So badly I want to be left alone. I want for all to forget me. I long to be let go. why, you ask? so i may sink so deeply within myself, that i too, can let go. So I can finally feel peace as others do.....so i can finally die. Yet I know, peace will not be found in death so i do not die.....i live on.....

I watch the clouds move through the sky. I listen as the water runs. I smile at the winds as it caresses me...and i just sit. I think, I question....but for now....i do not fight.......15:21 CST