i thought i could accept you. accept the violence deep inside. i'd accept because you were so kind ot me., you understod the pain that burned deep beneath the mask i wear, yet tonight....tonight i see what hides beneath the mask you wear. you hide your confusion and you run fromt he wounds that i let you see. my pain burns bright, but you cover your eyes. You do not want to see what the wounds i show. you will not accept the tears i let fall. so tonight, my heart breaks. it shatters because you hide from my pain. you run from the understanding i let you have. i long to have you take care of me and heal these wounds, but you run. running from the sorrow i feel so fully, so deeply within myself. i needed your aid, but it was refused....once again, i was refused. my minds aches for the caress you never gave. my body dies because you'll never care.... alone in this world, i wait for a savior. i wait for someone to pull me out of the depths of my soul, for i cannot dig through this hurt. but i wait for no one. no one cares for this broken creature. no one cares for the knife that meets my skin.. no one care.... most times, i do not notice. i bide my time, i wait, but sometimes, the hurt burns. i notice, once again, that no one cares, and once again, i feel the pain rise inside of me. its just sometimes though. sometimes it hurts when no one cares.....22:20 CST
April 24, 1998 22:01 CST
the gifts you give, you cannot see, yet i know they're there. i wish things could be as i dream. acceptence, love, healing, yet i know i'll never have you. you're so different, yet so alike. but this is something that will never work for you run and hide while i bleed. you fight and yell while i cry. you cover your wounds while i show mine to the world. i cannot hide myself. i am weak and you are strong...or is it the other way around? i know nothing of your wounds, yet you seem to understand all of mine. outside you are caring and almost fragile, yet does a demon hide inside? will you tear my soul apart? will you open the wounds, i've just begun to close? i can give you my heart, i can give you my mind, i can give you my soul, but do you want anything besides the physical aspects?...22:17 CST
April 23, 1998 19:27 CST
wishing, waiting, wondering....thinking of you. Your eyes, your laugh, the secrets i hope to find. these thoughts surround me. you know my pains, you know my past, you know me. i'm wondering why i let you see. you....will you be blind to the things i show you? will you be deaf to the things i sceam? each of these wounds you know so well, but will you heal them?
months spent in the shadows. watching you, hearing you, but never noticed. Will you ever? wishing, waiting, wondering. You understand me, but do you care? will you take the love i offer? or are you just the same as others? 19:36 CST
April 18, 1998 22:30 CST
Just sitting here. my body aches. its as if my soul's been ripped out. pains shoot through me, yet the song sweetens the hurt. this music pulls the tears from my eyes and lets me die within myself. yet as i die, i hear your laughter and it makes me pull back. back to this life, back to reality. i don't know what to write, what to say. i'm lost. i don't know why i hurt. who's ripped out my soul this time? what mindless little pain am i focusing on tonight? all these questions, but i don't know the answers. i just want help. i want to be loved and held and healed of all the hurt inside of me. mushy and stupid huh? i can't help it though. feelings are feelings. they can't be changed until you get prozac. i'd rather just lose hope and sink back down. life's easier when you're lost...22:43 CST
April 11, 1998 21:00 CST
feeling all this hurt inside...but i don't know why. I haven't felt this way since him. Could it really be that, once again, I have fallen in love. I mean truly fallen in love. Just minutes ago, I had tears running down my cheeks. Real tears; not those forced ones I have every once in a while. I just don't know what to do. How can I explain this to you? You don't understand me..and you don't accept me... I understand that you want me to be happy, but I can't be. Something inside of me always hurts. Always.
You want to fix me so bad; to make everything that hurts, just heal, but you won't listen to me. You won't let it heal with time, and each time you try to force the wound closed, all this pain bubbles up inside of me and starts bleeding again. I beginning to think that being in love means being in pain. That's the only way I seem to feel when I care for someone...
I don't want to lose you, but will you be better off when i leave? all these tears begin to fall again. How can I feel like this? How can I expect you to understand this? How can I put you through this? and why? Why do I hurt so fucking bad? and why do i miss you everytime you go away? even though you hurt me, i miss you anyway.....and i love you...21:14 CST
21:43 CST..But now that you're here. I'm learning. you'll never understand, you'll never listen and you'll never have any fucking idea who I am. never. You listen, but you don't hear. You understand, but you don't comprehend, you know me, but you'll never see me. you think so highly of me, yet you have no idea who i am. so badly I want to slap you. I want you to feel some of this hurt that I'm feeling. I want you to understand what it's like. I want you to be different from everyone else in the world, but you're not. you never will be. you're just the same and you'll never change. you're blind...just as blind as everyone else...21:46 CST
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