Thoughts

Welcome to my thoughts page. This page contains exactly what it says: my thoughts. (amazing isn't it?) I don't know why I put these things up on my page, but I do. I don't edit them in any way and I welcome any comments you may have about this page or any other part of my site. Thanks for taking the time to read my mind

April 02, 1999 23:25 CST
forgotten again....not even depressed about it...more like "What the hell" people keep disappearing..leaving me behind and all i can say is what the hell....6 months ago i'd cry over it and throw a tantrum, but lately i find myself saddened, but not affected overall. but that kind of bothers me when it was someone who was the same as me...someone who knows what it feels like to be empty and alone while surrounded by people. people like that aren't supposed to ditch others...but i guess that's how it goes sometimes. not sure what the hell to talk about now.....spring break was pretty boring, but i'm not particularly looking forward to going back to school, although it'll give me something to do.....haven't written in quite a while...at least not anything worth mentioning. It's kinda weird. I used to write 4 or 5 things a week and now its 2 or 3 things a month....guess that's good considering i write when i'm depressed. ...i almost didn't type that. cuz that's like saying i'm not depressed anymore...and i don't want that be to be true...kind of a weird little thing....(damn i say weird a lot).....depression's kinda like a club....suicidals can relate...hehe...as sick as it sounds..and now that i'm not real depressed anymore, i find myself excluded again. guess i'll have to find a new problem (j/k). facing the world with only my past hanging in the shadows....tripping me as i go....23:38 CST

March 09, 1999 21:08 CST
Just thought that I'd add something to this page since I haven't in quite a while...umm..not too much has changed....I'm not quite as pissed and upset as i was in the last entry...just kinda sleepy. Attempting to learn to deal with life...seems trivial doesn't it? But oh well...and as usual...still trying to figure who i am.....teenage years blow don't they? anyways...i've been thinking a lot...not that's it's anything new, i just like to hear myself talk...errr type or whatever. I was reading a Newsweek article last week about the Jasper, TX incident (i've been following it since june)..and the main article was the basic story, but on the next page there was a great little article by Ellis Cose called "An Easy Sense of Outrage." The article basically stated that its easy to condemn J. W. King because he shows no remorse for his actions and has shown himself to be a fucking sociopath who needs to be raped by a huge bassett hound and dragged from the back of a pick-up. I think the best part in the article is when Cose said, "In condemning him [King], we celebrate our own relative enlightenment, our obvious moral superiority. We celebrate, in short, our own innocence. And in the process, we perhaps forget that morally outranking an evil lunatic is not a particularly exalted achievement." I really thought that was a good statement. We come together to spit on this rectal puss, but we don't really attack the real problem head-on. Now, I'm not saying people like King don't have the right to feel that way. Although I think its the most ignorant, stupid and fucking unevolved way of thinking, they still, in this country, have the right to express these opinions. but there is one solution, all we have to do is round up all the stupid little college-age fuckheaded young males who seem to be so prone to this stupidity and castrate them and beat them into something even a dog wouldn't eat.........too harsh? actually as non-violent as i am (don't laught, i'm trying to overcome all forms of violence:Þ), I have a hard time feeling pity or remorse for any individual that could be that stupid...sooo in short, kill all the nazi bastards and umm...read Newsweek..cuz that was a damn good article:)

December 14, 1998 19:39 CST
What am i supposed to do? nothing seems to have a point. i look around and i see all these people..and i don't know if they even care. they all seem to have plenty to say, but i don't even hear them anymore. i'm not even unhappy...or even depressed really. I'm just lonely. I've moved into this hellhole of a city and I'm stuck here. Everyone seems to want to talk to me, but nobody knows my name...nobody knows who the hell i am. i'm sick of all this shit. i'm sick of being told i'm a great person and then being shit on. i'm sick of being loved and then being ditched. i'm sick of people identifying with me just so they have something to fucking tell their friends...encounter with a freak....nothing else 19:47 CST

December 07, 1998
Umm..hey..i haven't written in here in about 3 months so i figured since I'm in a good mood I should write a little bit so all the happy freaks will leave me alone and not think i'm depressed all the time....so yeah...gotta think about something to talk about now...oh! ya know what...I've been thinking a bunch (What's new..smell the combustion?) hehe...the other day i was sittin the in the living room listening to music and i got all depressed and shit cuz i started thinking bout stuff that has happened in the last month....(hint: NOVEMBER IS NEVER A GOOD MONTH)..and it started to seem like everytime i turned around, someone i love was leaving me...and sometimes it is like that...but it's never really obvious until someone really close to you ditches you. and it's not as bad when someone just leaves you, but when they love you one day and then ignore your existance the next....that tends to fuck you up a bit....as it did me. so as i was going through my normal process of hatred, grief, cutting (nice star scar now), etc., I got to analyzing myself...and as weird as i make look with my fucked up clothes and screwy hair (need some updated pics for ya)...i'm actually not that terrible of a person. so you little fuck heads can look at my scars or my clothes or my writing and make all the judgements you want, but you'll never know me...and you'll never learn from me..and you'll never allow yourself to think (even for a minute) that i might be the same as you are....and that's what makes us different...i'm not trying to be something i'm not. i'm just being me...which is actually a pretty kewl thing to be cuz I doubt i'd be very good at being you..... :Þ sides...as amazing as it may be....some people actually like me this way...hehe..(call the newspapers! the headlines'll be FREAK FINDS FRIEND) hehe..anyways! I believe that's all I have to say for now...so umm..yeah.....if anyone actually reads this...it'll be kewl..hehe..20:22 CST

September 29, 1998
something hurts. deep down inside...something aches...but i don't know what...the depression keeps sinking me lower and lower...i should be saving him...but i just keep falling, crying within. he leaves. i have failed once again. wallowing in this hurt, too blind to see his pain, too selfish to give my sorrow up to save him. a failure once again....more pain spread around due to my stupidity....more hurt given because i am too concerned with my own wounds....once again, i am a murderer. my soul, always aching, always bleeding in this guilt. why do i hate myself?

September 23, 1998
i used to hide. i'd hide from everything that hurt. i used to run. i'd run through my tears to a safer place. a place without hurt, a place without loneliness, a place where i was nobody and that's all that mattered. i'd hide in a place where i could be alone and not be lonely. but here i stand again, lost in my misery, this time there's no where to run to. my refuge is gone. here, i am surrounded by the joy, by the pain, by the mocking of others, and here, i am truly alone. This time i'm trapped with this misery, with this loneliness. deep inside, i'm trapped. i can smile. i can laugh....but each time, i return to this hurt. i become lost in this web with only one true savior. love. love from anywhere. to see it, to feel it, to hear it, makes me cry. i cry for the hurt i feel inside. i cry for the things i have lost. i cry for the things i will lose. all the wonderful people that will drift away from me while i sit here, clinging to anything that i can. do they know how much it matters? i think i hide within them now. pushing back my tears, and forcing a smile to please them. they keep me alive when i want to die. they keep me smiling when i want to cry. they keep me living while in my angel's absence. my angel....how could i be so dependent on someone so far away? yet i am. from hundreds of miles away, i depend on him and die when he's not here. i become lost...and i long to hide...but there's no where to hide. even the people are gone at times. so i sit here alone, waiting for the music to drown out my sorrow...but sometimes not even the music's loud enough. sometimes the only thing that saves me is to see myself from within, to see my blood flow down my arm, to see a different hurt take control. i find solace in that pain. a solace than none can equal...except my angel sometimes..and one other....just one other....sometimes he is the joy that conquers my pain, sometimes, just sometimes, i feel truly happy.....i feel loved even though i'm lost. lost in this hurt...

September 05, 1998
What have we become, as a people, when we begin to censor literature, works, thoughts, etc., that further the education, understanding and comprehension of the world around us. I find myelf smiling cynically as I realize what an arrogant, yet stupid society we've become. When parents and school officials take it upon themselves to inhibit our children's education, what do we do as parents? We sit back and watch. We hide and wait for things to blow over while our child's chance of a true understanding of the world is thrown away due soley to the stupidity and arrogance of individuals who are offended by any ideas except their own. These individuals chose to take away valuable works of art that teach us all about the human mind, the human soul, and most importantly, the value of human and all other life. We're taking away their right to make their own decisions. When we allow these people to do this, we're taking away our children's futures. We're taking away their chance to truly live. When we allow our children to lose these things, then we're allowing another piece of ourselves to die. We're allowing a piece of our child to die. Tell me, would you like to attend a funeral of the mind?