Thoughts

July 23, 1998 04:24 CST
spending my whole life being unhappy and lonely.....is that how it's going to be forever? will i wallow in this self-pity until i die? it's not like i try to be this way. i don't enjoy feeling completely isolated from the world, yet you tell me that i'm just like everyone else, but i'm just not trying. you tell me that's how i will stay forever. that my attitude will keep a wall between me and the world. but you don't see this hope i try to cover.....this hope that maybe one day someday someone will actually give a damn about me...that maybe one day i can overcome this emptiness that fills me....but you just shoot all that down and leave me here searching for a reason not to die. tore that smile off my face and tried to make me believe that you understand who and what i am. turning my words so they suit you. since the moment i met you, i had a bad feeling about you, but i kept talking because you tried to understand..yet now i sit here....alone as ever and feeling violated because i showed you who i was and you tried to tell me that's not really me.....i'm hiding from me.......that's all you can say as you sit on your throne sneering at me for my weakness....and i just sit and feel the ache fill me up again. my comfortable sad, solitude is gone, replaced by an empty lonely feeling, knowing i'm all alone in this god forsaken world with nothing to show for what i've done so far. dying in this hell hole that you keep throwing me in...and all i can think of is, who will read this? will someone finally rescue me from this hell and accept me for who i am...allow me to devote myself to something other than building up these walls around me....all i can think about as i sit here is maybe someone will see this cry for help and understand....but it's a joke. the only ones who read this don't give a damn. it's just another fucked up child with no future. if that's true, why can't you just shoot me now? i'm so tired of hurting like this.....of being completely isolated from everyone and everything. drowning in your river of childhood joy that i'm supposed to be enjoying.....time's slipping away and you want me to give up what i have so i can be with people who don't understand and don't care. i always look for somewhere to belong, but i don't belong anywhere. at least not right now. for the moment, as i sit here, feeling foolish, alone and desolate, i don't belong anywhere, but it's not permanant. nothing ever is...04:37 CST

July 08, 1998 00:20 CST
i can't even write anymore. i put down words and nothing's there. it makes me feel so hopeless. i used to be able to put things down, to release things even if it was only for a little while, but now.....now, every once in a while i'll write something, usually something i dislike greatly. i don't know what happened....i thought i'd feel better when i finally let the past go, when i let the dreams go, but it seems that the dreams i had were the only things that kept me going. now...i just feel run down, forgotten, and lost. i know some people care, but....but i'm not sure they understand. i see things, or i hear things, or sometimes i just think things, and this feeling rises from some deep crevice inside of me and i feel so absolutely alone, and i'm so afraid that feeling is never going to go away.....will i die with no one knowing that i even lived? will i die before i get the chance to break free of everything that seems to hold me down...............it takes so much to let these things go now. i've gotten so good at putting on this mask and hiding everything i feel deep down inside....i'm not sure i can let it out anymore....i can write about it on this joke of a machine...but it's not quite the same as being understood...and letting things go for good.....not the same......i sit here and think..and pity myself and cry for all my horrible problems, but the more i think, the more i understand why i'm like this. i watch the shithole of a news cast and i read the joke of a news paper and see how fast everything's falling down around us.......i can't believe we have become such a disgusting and worthless species. for fuck's sake, we have a fucking little boy lighting another little boy on fire. what the hell is that? what made a child, born maybe with a tendency toward violence, develop that violence at such a young age? have we really become so violent a society that our children learn to kill before they reach fucking puberty? seeing these things happen makes it seem like life's not worth living, not worth saving. why save life if you do everything in your power to destroy it............why live if you'll die under the hand of another.......why do we do anything in this fucking rathole......we're a disgusting species...fucking disgusting.......but no matter how angry i get, no matter how many tears i shed, it'll never go away. it'll never fucking stop because we are stupid, arrogant, and hopeless...the whole damn lot of us.....00:44

July 01, 1998 23:23 CST
thinking again...its becoming a bad habit...sometimes things just seem to fall down all around me even when things are going right. it doesn't make sense. I get so lonely, when people i love are siting 3 feet from me.....its just the same when it's a brother or friend....i get lonely anyway and i'm not sure they notice...sometimes things...just hurt....i think about times that i hated...times that i felt i was completely alone...and i almost wish for those times again....i don't know why. i just want to feel something familiar in my life...everything;s becoming so different. losing friends....losing everything that i know... i feel like i'm losing it all......i sit here ansd sigh...wishing there was someone in this god forsaken shithole of a world that actually understood this....wishing there was someone out there who i could talk to...someone who would listen..someone who wasn't locked within themselves throwing hatred at me each time i talked.....people like that are out there....there aren't any ture individuals...we all hold some similiarity to someone else...and all the little similiarities make you whole. i just can't seem to find anyone who doesn't have their heads shoved up their asses 24/7....sometimes i cry, late at night...just sitting in front of this fucking machine....wishing someone was out there, alive...knowing what i was feeling...actually thinking about me......but i know...deep down inside, i'm just one person, small and insignificant compared to the billions of others on this disgusting planet....75% of those people would probably kill their own mother for a damn $5.....such a lovely specieswe've become....we love to hate, love to destroy...love to kill....an arrogant, self-pitying, destructive and disgusting species...what a world to be lonely in.....23:49 CST

May 27, 1998 21:58 CST
somebody please be out there.....help me...save me from this hole i'm sinking into. he always comes back when i'm finally getting better....and then i crawl into this hole again, but i'm afraid this time i won't crawl out again. someone's got to be out there somewhere. plase...i need to be held and taken care of. i'm too weak to do hthis awgain...i'm too weak to die again. i'll never live....never. why won't he leave me alone? he just keeps talking...never stops...he always makes me feel so guilty..so worthless. sometimes i wonder if i really deserve to live at all. i'm so fucking pathetic...so fucking stupid....
i realized ....just seconds ago....i'm ok....i look at him...and i see a confused little boy who thinks he knows it all...but if he doesn't realized that he, too, has weaknesses, then he'll stay a confused little boy forever.... for once in my lifetime, i'm at peace with myself.....and i did it without anyone's help...i crawled out of that hole..and i can live again....22:20 CST

May 25, 1998 22:54 CST
very tired....but not exhausted. just tired of this life. tired of living, but i don't want to stop. i just want to change. to be happy for once....to actually live for once.... will that ever happen? will ther be a day where i can lay my head down and actually admit, i'm happy and not scared or hurt anymore.....could that ever happen? "November Rain' (G&R) is stuck in my head...it makes me smile to think of that...its good song...but it brings back bad memories. i feel like a child tonight. so stupid with these thoughts, so vulnerable with this mind....i feel like i need to be taken care of...joe used to take care of me.....he was my angel...i guess he still is in a way, but he's too busy for me now...its better this way....i think......i depend on people too much....my tears won't be dried by someone else forever......i just keep rambling on and one like this...with no point...wondering who will read this....if anyone at all....i know i sound like an idiot, but i don't really care right now.....this is just as good as talking to my self (*lol*).......that just goes to show i talk too much...23:03 CST

May 20, 1998 20:34 CST
tomorrow ends it......months of happiness are finally over. once again, i'll sink deep down inside my sorrow....so far down. i'm not ready to go yet. i kinda like enjoying life. i want so bad to cry, but i can't. there aren't any tears left in me. it hurts so bad to cry without those tears. all the pain wells up inside me, but there's no release. i search for someone to talk to...for osmeone to listen, but no one's out there. i'm supposed to take care of myself now. how can i do that? how can i dig myself out of this hole?i need help. i'm too weak by myself. why do you leave me like this? blind to the unseen tears. deaf to my silent screams. ignorant to my pleas. your smiles can help me no longer...you eyes give no aid.
once again, i sit alone....always alone....no tears to show my weakness, no friends to share my pain. alone....i drown in my own sorrow, but never quite die. someone, something, always pulls me back...no one ever lets me go.....never...you won't even let me cry anymore....i barely get one tear to roll down my cheek......tears are antifreeeze for the soul, but when the soul's already frozen...the antifreeze doesn't do any good....20:53 CST

May 12, 1998 23:04 CST

I feel lost. I feel like I've been left behind, like I don't belong here. All my words are the same now. Everything I write is just a mirror of past thoughts. I get so lonely somtimes, but at the same time, I just want to be left alone. I don't understand myself anymore. i get so angry with people for no rational reason. I take out all my frustrations on people who will never understand. Why? Why do I do this? My head screams at me. I'm so stupid sometimes. I never go of anything that needs to be let go, but I throw away everything important. I look at the bright side sometimes. At least when I move, I can start completely over. No lies, just me. Maybe it'll work this time....but I know I won't fit in. I don't belong there....I don't belong here. I'm not sure I belong anywhere anymore... I got so spoiled...It used to be that I always felt like I had a purpose. I belonged somehwere. I got so used to having someone actually think I wasn't fucked up and that I was smart. No one believes that now... I'm lonely, but I'm scared too. If I let someone in again, they'll tear me apart. Can I handle that again? I'm not sure I could so I hide within myself and push everyone else out. I'm a lot quieter now....which is amazing. Mom and Dad don't even know how much I've changed. They have no idea how close I came to dying. I hope they never do....23:28 CST

May 07, 1998 20:47 CST

no thoughts....no words...just a feeling. its become so common to feel like this, yet....this feeling has a particular sweetness to it. to feel like this is to need. a rare feeling as of late. i do not cry, i do not hate. i merely hang onto this sad smile and feel the love i cannot give. i can wish. i can dream. but they cannot understand.
i smile because i am happy. happy with my loneliness, yet sad with being alone. my life is simple, but i am confused. i'm lost in this sea of my self-absorbtion....and these regrets that crawl all around me. i will not let them in tonight. my hatred cannot overcome this quiet sadness, yet i cannot overcome my guilt...
thoughts of times when my thoughts centered on a hopeless dream...yet these thoughts escape me under the rainbow moon....21:39 CST