I've heard all the typical lines, "You've got such a pretty face, if you would only loose the weight....", "You'll feel better if you lost some of that weight....", "Have you at least been trying to loose weight?". I'm sure if you are a large person, you've heard the same thing, over and over again. My main problem with this, is that the people saying this, (however well intended the comments are)is that they say it over and over and over. It's a constant reminder that I'm not, in some insignificant way, good enough to meet their standards.

Society as a whole has made it difficult to be a big person. Discrimination is running rampant in the work place, in social clubs and even in personal relationships. The ironic thing however, is the fact that the number of people at their "ideal" weight, is far less than the number of people who carry extra pounds. This in itself, makes our society very hypocritical!

I guess I'm a little bitter about how I am treated. Even though I think I'm a good friend, I don't have very many people I can truely call friend myself. Some of my own family, (husband and children are NOT included in this group) make me feel inferior because I'm overweight. Some of these "family" members, seem to be embarrassed to be seen with me. I just don't understand how someone can be so mean and hurtful, just because I don't look like they think I should.

I know that carrying extra weight isn't healthy. I know it's not attractive to most people. I also know that if I could be thinner, I would be!!! I've tried this diet and that diet, with only limited and short term progress. I've exercise as much as allowable (because of my disability) and I'm still not a size 8. I will continue to try, but that is the best I can do, and if that's good enough for me, I would hope that it's good enough for everyone else.

I've discovered over the years that if you don't like yourself, then nobody else will either. You see, I could continue to be bitter and angry. I could also continue to let it get to me everytime I hear a fat joke or a slander about my weight, but that's not helping anyone, especially me. I've decided that people have to accept me for me. They have to see what's inside of me, and accept me for me, not for a shape or an idea of what I should be. I am basically a good person. I try my best to be fair minded, open and honest, three traits that I, at least, find admirable. If someone is more concerned with the way I look, or don't look, and they think that is more important then who I am and what I feel and think, then I don't need them in my life.

I've come to accept the fact that I am Full Figured, Big, Large, or whatever is politically correct at the moment. I have a wonderful husband and 3 great kids who love me for me! I know in my heart that I've made a difference in all their lives, and the lives of other people as well. I am able to make my family happy, healthy and knowing of my love for them. In my mind, if I can do that, then it doesn't matter that I'm not a size 5 or shaped like a Barbie Doll.

I am not anti diet, not in the least. If a person can diet successfully and achieve their goal, I think it's wonderful!!! I have however, discovered that I personally can not be on a constant diet! Try as I might, I don't have the will power to day after day after day, stick to a regiment of low fat, low sugar, high fiber, etc. I can manage a month at a time, sometimes more sometimes less. But as a new way of living my life, I really don't think I can do it.

I've gone through diet after diet, and lost a few pounds here and a few pounds there. Nothing works forever, and nothing has accomplished the massive weight loss. There is one familiar and constant thing that each diet produces...disappointment. I find myself on an emotional roller coaster when I'm dieting, or failing at dieting. I'm iritable, tired, uncomfortable and basically not very pleasant to be around. My temper is shorter, and my tolerance next to none. I don't like the person I become, and either does the people around me. All this, because I am trying to loose weight so that I am more acceptable to society. Well, I really don't think, at least for me it's worth it.

My philosophy on my personal diet is to eat healther. As I am aging, I'm finding myself eating more chicken and less beef, more vegetables and less chips. All which is good, but I still need my treats once in a while too. I'm not giving up on dieting all together, I'm just not making it my lifes goal!!! I will continue to diet when I can, but basically, I am trying to eat healthier while not depriving myself of the feel good foods. Yes, I am and will continue to cut back on the feel good foods, but I am not going to give them up for the rest of my life!

So many people have said that you have to change your lifestyle, you have to relearn how to eat, how to manage your diet and do it for the rest of your life. Well, I can agree with some of that, but not all. I think there has to be a balance between the old and the new. For example: I'll eat more fruits and vegetables, but as a counter balance, I'm going to enjoy the occasional bowl of ice cream or potato chips with my sandwich.

I guess what I've been trying to say with all my endless rambling, is that I am going to try my best. I will try to maintain my weight, not let it get higher and lower it if I can. At the same time, I'm not going to beat myself up, end up in a depression or constantly feel deprived to accomplish this. I want to create a balance between the two. I don't want to play the weight yo yo, that's not healthy physically or mentally. If I can focus on healthier foods and moderation of the not so healthy ones, then I can keep myself on a steady plain.

Yes, I'd love to be a size 12. I'd love to be able to buy whatever I wanted to wear, without having to worry that I look fat. In a perfect world, maybe that could be true. In my world however, I want to continue to be a happily married wife and mother. I want to consentrate on being as happy and as healthy as I can. Taking care of the body is becoming more and more important to me, but taking care of my mind, self asteem and self respect is just as important. If I can't be happy with myself, then I can't be of use to those who are important to me.

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