Welcome to the Brick Wall Survivors! Here, you will find people who have been thrown heart first into a brick wall, landing bruised, broken, and bleeding in a heap at the bottom. Suffering so deeply that we sometimes wonder how or why we continue to draw breath, we survive our injuries. The brick wall may be our birth parent's rejection of us, or our own inability to locate through any means, legal or not, the information about such them.

If you have hit the Brick Wall in adoption, we can't fix you, but we will listen and care for you as you struggle to survive your trauma. Those who are not touched by adoption as we are may not be able to comprehend the extent of what we are experiencing, and therefore, they discount our hurt and anger. The purpose of Brick Wall Survivors is to provide a place for us to own and accept our emotions as we move through the stages of healing and relapse.

If you are a "veteran survivor" you can share your survival techniques with those less experienced. And even if you are a "veteran", you may have a relapse during which you need the support of others who share your experience.

Our rules are simple:

Share your experience.
Don't try to fix anyone else's pain.
Learn to accept the reality in which you live.
You can find healing when you work for it.

Attendance at pity-parties is strongly discouraged. The difference between a Survivor and a Whiner is in the amount of time spent at a pity-party. Typically, a Survivor is one who tells their story, acknowledging their pain, anger, and frustration. All of that is allowed, and even encouraged. A Whiner, however, casts him/herself in the role of victim, pointing at all the people who did them wrong and all the ways that they have been hurt by others.

At Brick Wall Survivors, we want to grow out of the "victim" phase and into ownership of authentic emotions so that we can be empowered to find our own healing. To do this, we often refer to the 12 Steps and the Serenity Prayer.

When a post comes to the group through our email list, it is hard to listen to raw pain and rage. Our natural instinct is to deflect it, turn it away, change it to something else that is easier to witness. Our fear is that if we hear someone else's pain, it may awaken our own! So, when someone expresses their pain, we want to say, "Don't say that! You're wrong! Don't feel that way!"

Those reactions are normal and understandable, but they hurt the other person. They say to the other person, "You scare me! Go away. I don't want to hear your pain. Say stuff that will make ME feel better!"

Instead of saying, "You need to see a therapist!" (which comes across sounding like, "YOU are one SICK puppy!") you might try sharing a time when you also felt such dark and terrible thoughts that you feared for your own sanity, AND share what helped you get through it.

It is scary to witness another's pain. It is even scarier to share your own. No one has all the answers, and no one is expected to be perfect. Sometimes, traffic on the list is very light. Other times, we share quite a bit. As List Owner, I want the list to stay "on topic", not get off into discussions of cool web sites, current events, or personal stuff unrelated to survivorship. The reason for this is that when a new person joins the group, I don't want them to feel as if they must break up someone's party to "spill their guts"! Therefore, I have set up the list so that the reply function of your email client will send a response to the person who wrote the posting you are reading, not to the list as a whole. You then have the option of responding privately to the individual (by just hitting "Reply") or posting the message to the entire group (by directing it to be sent to BrickWallSurvivors@onelist.com). You MUST be a member to post to the list. Membership in Brick Wall Survivors is limited to ADOPTEES ONLY. If you are a birth parent, please visit Onelist.com or About.com to find support to meet your particular needs.