If a child tells you about abuse:
- DO NOT ACT HORRIFIED! DO NOT START CRYING! REMEMBER! You are not important - what you say and do at this particular time can effect this child for the rest of his/her life.
- Stay calm and be reassuring (and if it is your child you are going to find this to be the most difficult thing you have ever done in your life).
- Smile at the child - offer comfort if needed - act like it is normal for a child to tell you this.
- Do not upset the child - do not go running and screaming to the telephone to call "whomever". Sounds easy doesn't it. DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT!
It is at this point that war has been DECLARED - a war to save this child, break the pattern and stop the abuse.
- Find a quiet place to talk
- Believe what you are being told
- Listen, but do not press for information - you can ask very general questions, but be careful, because the child can become silent immediately.
- Say that you are glad that the child told you
- In all probability the child feels that he/she has done something wrong or bad - reassure them repeatedly that they have done the right thing by telling you that the other person has done the bad thing.
- A very important thing here - especially if the abuser happens to be a parent - is to reassure the child that the parent really loves him but that it sounds right now like mommy/daddy is having a problem and needs to see a doctor in order to get better and the child has done the correct thing by telling you, because now mommy/daddy can get the help that they need. If the abuser is a stranger - the same thing can be said - insofar as the abuser needs "help".
- Say that you will do your best to protect and support the child
- If necessary seek medical help and contact the police or social services immediately.
- If your child has told another adult such as a teacher or school nurse, contact them. Their advice may make it easier to help your child - and don't delay - too often if teachers, etc., do not hear from parents immediately the
assumption is that the parents may be the abusers or know about it and the child can become a ward of the state immediately.
- Determine if this incident may affect how your child reacts at school. It may be advisable to meet with your child's teacher(s) or counselor(s) or nurse head teacher.
- Acknowledge that your child may have angry sad or even guilty feelings about what happened, but stress that the abuse was not the child's fault.
IF you are the parent of an abused child:
Acknowledge that you will probably need help dealing with your own feelings LATER - Not now – at this point in time you, as an adult, are unimportant - the Child is what counts - how he/she sees himself/herself and this moment, right now, is not to early to start teaching the child to "hate" what was done but not necessarily to "hate" the person because the person is "ill".
If the abuser is an ex-spouse:
Don't get angry - not now, take immediate steps to see that the child is not placed in the position where the abuse can happen again. Do not "confront" the ex-spouse. This action only leads to denial and possibly harm to the child.
Seek counseling for yourself and your child through the organizations listed or through your own contacts.
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