squad

A blood soaked Doc Ilyich staggered out the operating theatre during the small hours of the night yesterday to announce his marathon surgery session a success. "I have done all I can, now I must rest" said the exhausted ankle cutter. All of the Plate Squad Soviet are available for selection with the exception of Player/Manager Boulton ("Heap big wounded knee, I must admit it confuses me" free-styled MC Ilyich).

However with perfect timing the fully fit squad have little chance of playing any football as Christmas approaches due to the extreme weather conditions sweeping the country.

Plate manager Comrade Boulton last night voiced his concern about the disasterous run of injuries plaguing the team. "It's our worst nightmare" said Boulton, himself suffering from a twisted mind/knee. "Those accursed gypsies have returned to haunt us again. The Bush was built over six centuries ago for christ's sake but they just won't let it lie."

The injury list does indeed make grim reading: Drew Collins (ankle, long term), Chris Thomas (ankle, long term), Neil Boulton (knee, 3 weeks), Julian Fowgues (chest infection, 2 weeks), Damien Butt (lacerated chest, 2 weeks), Matt Proctor ( 'thinner', 1 week). Tony Bowles (hamstring), Tom Tom Thomas (ankle) and Ivan Ivanov (ankle) are all carrying injuries but are expected to try and battle through the next fixture.

To make matters worse The Plate management have been unable to contact on-loan Dan Thomas, last seen joy riding a stolen junk towards Macau, or Mike Marsh who is in Sydney as part of the Olympic swimming team of his adopted country Equitorial Guinea.

"What is it with gypsys and ankles eh?" raged an over worked Doc Ilyich. "The sooner Daniel son gets back with that monkey juice the greater eh?"

Dan Thomas has received permission from the Squad Soviet to go on a fact finding tour of southern China. While away the right back will be turning out on loan for top Chinese outfit Hong Kong City. Dan hopes to learn more about Chinese training techniques and medicine, which he believes could bring lasting benefits to the Plate cause and is little understood in the west. "They drink turtle blood you know, always have done - always will" explained the obscenely tall defender "that's how they suceed you see, any bloods good, but turtle is best - and it's legal, it is, sort of, and free too, if you can find a turtle. Monkeys are good too, not their blood, just in general."

Summer signing Damien Butt will face a fitness test before Tuesday nights Bush Cup. The youngster pulled up with an ankle injury during sundays training session. Doc Ilyich, in response to the epidemic of ankle injuries plagueing the team is currently pioneering a revolutionary new technique involving the injection of reinforced concrete into the patients lower leg. "eh, it worked when we dammed the Olga you know, those fools laughed at me then eh, but it is I Doctor Vladirmir Juan Carlos Nicolai Ilyich who will laugh the last, eh?"

Sympathy and commiserations from all at Football or Death go out this week to Chris Thomas who has been told that his ankle injury will keep him out of the game until at least Christmas. Chris suffered stretched ligaments at the end of last season and although he hoped to return in time for the new season the young striker has had to face up to the inevitable. In a unanimuos vote the Avon Plate Squad Soviet decided not to take him out the back of the pub, cover him in a green plastic sheet and shoot him. The love at this club is truly moving.

Avon Plate's pre-season training schedule kicked off last week with several key squad members missing.

Andy Bowles looks likely to miss the begining of the season after fracturing his collar bone falling off his BMX. "This totally sucks dude" explained the blunted midfielder. "We'd just smoked off a phat one and I was like, pullin' some massive air in the car park behind Somerfield, you know, where they sell those bitchin' doughnuts man, like with jam, an' I like just totally lost control, ...dough..., and landed on my face. It was awesome."

Chis 'tufty' Thomas was sidelined after a seemingly inocuous fall in training damaged tendons in the strikers right ankle and more worryingly flattened his 'tin-tin', but given time and patience Plate physio Dr Ilyich is confident the bouffant will bounce back.

Centre-half stalwart Tom 'Tommo' Thomas (the 33rd Thomas to have represented the team) has also damaged an ankle. "They are very thin" said the defender "and one of the big boys kicked me"

However, most concern lies with the problems facing 'Issues' Collins, the Plates Bogota based utility man. Already an all to familiar face in the tabloids 'Issues' has not been seen at the club since late last season complaining of "a bad foot you eeenglish cock-a-roaches".

Yos David has joined Avon Plate on a Bosman from Woodland Road Wanderers. Reports of a hefty signing on fee are unconfirmed but some fans have voiced concern about the spiralling pay structure at the club.

The striker, who was player manager at Woodland, has left the Wanderers on a high after securing a first cup winners medal and ending the season as top scorer with 16 goals. "It was a wrench to leave Woodland, but not a difficult decision to make. I've supported the Plate since I was a boy and to finally get the chance to play for them is a dream come true."

As the run in heats up the Plate squad appears to be in top notch condition. Jerry the peoples champion White, The Plates firery right-winger is back and approaching full match fitness. Performances on the training ground have confirmed that he has lost none of his drive or famous passion for volleys. It was back in December that disaster struck the young star when a heavy tackle damaged his achilles.

"It was just one of those things that happen in football. I took a knock but at the time didn't think too much about it. It was only later that I realised something was wrong. The Gaffer sent me straight off to see the specialist, so I spent Christmas Day on a treatment table in Buenos Aires! It's been hard missing so many matches and to be honest I'm not the greatest spectator in the world, but the boys have been doing really well. I'm just glad I'm back playing"

On the opposite flank Julian 30's footballer Fowgies has also recovered from the knee injury that threatened his season.

"It was just one of those things that happen in football. I took a knock but at the time didn't think too much of it. It was only later that I realised something was wrong. The Gaffer sent me staight off to see the specialist, so I spent New Year on a treatment table in Buenos Aires! It's been hard missing games and to be honest I'm not the greatest spectator in the world, but the boys have been doing really well. I'm just glad I'm back playing"

(left: Vladimir Ilyich, Plate's Buenos Aires based 'Specialist')

Latest reports from Training Camp Easton reveal that the only current injury worries are Tony Calm It! Bowles (thigh) and Andrew Tom Thomas (foot). Both players are expected to be fit for the friendly against KKC FC this Sunday.

"It's just something that happens in football. We took knocks in training. There's no way we want to spend the game on a treatment table in Buenos Aires! It's hard missing games and to be honest neither of us are the greatest spectators in the world. The teams been doing really well and we just want to be playing"