1/24/97 Ugh. Well, I was going to go to Freehold today, but plans got screwed and I didn't.
Anyways, I'm gonna put something in this journal that I have never even mentioned before. Last year at about this time, I had met the nicest guy that I've ever met. His name is Trent. We sorta committed to each other for about 8 months...I thought I was actually in love. He was the sweetest person. His only minor fault was that he always seemed to talk about himself. But, I ignored it. He wrote me, sent me little gifts now and then...and for my birthday he sent me a silver necklace with a small angel on it. We talked on the phone and I remember the first time he called. Jules was over and they had planned the whole thing. I was so hyper and excited, that I jumped into my pool.
Anyways, right now I am feeling such a need to just meet him. I want to be able to hug him, to look into his eyes and know that he really is in front of me, to hold his hand. I've been supressing these feelings for a long time. And I've realized, that the whole Ben thing...was just...a joke. I think about it and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Why on God's green earth would I like Ben??? I mean, he's nice and all...but practically everyone I told...they were like "Him!?!".
Trent and I still talk, practically daily. He's called lately...for once I wasn't bouncing off the walls when I heard his voice...but the conversation was different. I dunno what about it wasn't the same...it just was...different.
Anways, Trent is going to JA(a big formal dance that all schools are invited to, but you have to apply for) with his friend. And I'm just feeling this overwhelming amount of jealousy. I envy HER of all people in this world right now. Trent sent me an email...saying how when he was getting fitted for his tux that he wished it was me he was going with. And just about 2 days ago, we had a conversation about how making out in public is disgusting. He said that making out in front of either one of us is illegal...until we're together. I know that whenever a chance comes up that I can travel to see him, I'd take it. I dunno if it's desperation, or what. But...in a way, he's made a huge impact on my life.
And now that I think of it...I'm ashamed. I was embarassed that I liked(possibly loved) someone over the internet. I was afraid that someone would make fun of me...and I sorta broke things up because of that. I mean...I know it's stupid to commit yourself to someone across the country...long distance never works...but now I fear that my chances when I get older with him are gone. I know I should get over him...but I've tried...and I can't. I need something to help. I think that's what Ben was. He gave me a reason to not think of Trent. And now that it's been a while...I don't "have" anyone. Ugh. Feelings all coming back to haunt me.
2/3/98
Ok I know I haven't been writing much lately...but Oh well. Today has been on one of my top ten shittiest days of 1998. I'm just blasting Oasis in room. I just got done watching an old episode of Buffy and a new one of Dawson's Creek. They have to be 2 of my most favorite TV shows.
Well, my grandmother must be going for some sort of record cause she's in the hospital again. She kept on saying to my Aunt and Uncle to be good to each other...like she was gonna leave or something. PLUS, a pair of really heavy and rusty scissors fell on my foot. At first, I thought nothing of it, cause I was so damn tired..but then I looked down and my whole foot. 1998 is definately not gonna be my year. I just hate it when life turns up all this crap. Mom just called from the hospital. Yay. Another night without dinner. I'd make something...I just don't feel like it. I was so wishing that 1998 would be my year. My year to find someone...to share special moments with and stuff. I know I'm only 15, but still. I wanted to have someone to go to the social with. I really want to go. I have no idea why. I just do. Well...more tomorrow..maybe.
2/6/98
Well, Grandmom is still in the hospital. My cousin, Cory came to visit. I dunno...things are really...odd. Like tonight, for example. I went to see Great Expectations..and believe me...it's not what it was all cracked up to be. I liked the book much more. So...anyways...I forgot about my grandmother being in the hospital and the tension between me and my family...and had a tad of fun. But when I got home...I still got all bored...which resulted in me vegging, which results in my thinking about how lame my life actually is. Ugh. Trent wrote this email to all of his friends...and it talked about all the crap in his life...and he mentioned me being depressed. I mean...I don't like complaining. Other people think different...but I have to tell someone...I can't keep all of it inside. And...I feel that I've grown apart from a lot of people in the past 3 months. A LOT of friends. Lola and I have done a lot of things recently tho. She's cool. I seem to hang out more with her than the people I've known for 4 or more years. Odd how some things work out, eh? I mean, I like someone...and I've only told Lola...no one else. I'm too scared to act on my feelings...rejection seems to be the trend lately. Anyways...I know that I'll never have the perfect life with the perfect guy, the perfect parents, the perfect siblings, the perfect body, the perfect self-esteem, the perfect mind, the perfect answers, the perfect clothes, the perfect speech, the perfect outlook on others...I know I won't have the most perfect life...the life where your friends throw you a surprise 16th Birthday party...the life where you are included in everything...the life where you always have the date to the dance...the life where you have better things to do than sit around watching TV and sleeping. My life could never compare to anything of that sort. My life has nowhere else to go but to get better...and all I can hope for, is that it happens soon, before I give up on it.
