3/15/98
Well, life's been shitty. But, hey! What else is new, eh? I went on a trip for FBLA. It was boring. There was one guy that I talked to. He was dancing and it was really funny...he was like weaving and his arms were going in one constant and rhythmic motion. I went up to him and said that what he did was really cool. He smiled and said thanks. He kept talking to me...but it was about who taught him how to dance. I just nodded and smiled. I had to get outta there...I couldn't take the rap anymore.
Before the trip...God..it was like a saga or something...between myself, Jules, and Bryan. Bryan apparently still likes Jules...but I liked him(since like almost the first day of 9th grade). I don't know if Jules likes him or whatever...it's just way too much emotional baggage for me. I got really upset and wrote emails back and forth saying how much I'd hate them forever. Then I (in my subtle little way) apologized...well...actually clarified myself. It DOES hurt, and it will hurt for a while. But if Bryan still likes her...so be it. I can live with being alone. All I want to know is...where have a taken the wrong turn in my life? Was it when I was in fifth grade and I wore pink sweat suits or something?? Did that set me up for this huge fall? I don't know what to think! All I know is that I'm just so tired of rejection. I haven't told Bryan that I like him...and I really don't plan on it, either. If I know he still likes Jules...then screw it. That's just another rejection waiting to happen.
It's not only this whole Bryan thing...Jules and all of them have been like...ignoring me. I hardly talk to anyone in school anymore. And when I do...it's like a one word thing. I feel so left out...I'm not good at being a loner...although I wish I could be. I need to have a social life. Which I don't have at this point. I found out that Jules and Zoe and a bunch of other people went someewhere without me...again. It just really hurts. I mean, it really hurt when Lola invited me to go to the movies with a bunch of other people at the last minute...and when I got there...Jules, Sammy, Blake, and Zoe were all there. Like I'm not even an aquaintence anymore. Is there something wrong with me?? I can't get a guy...I don't have the friends...I'm a loser.
So anyways, Bryan didn't know that I wanted to ask him to the social. He does now. He was pretty much shocked. I said 'as friends' tho. He said that he would have gone with me. But I somewhat doubt that. And then I was talking to him a few days ago, and he wanted me to go to the social...with someone else. But there is no one else! I don't want to go alone. It's really no fun if you have no one to dance with. Afterall...it's a dance. I really like Bryan. I do. But, if I tell him I like him...he'll ignore me! Just like Ben. And I'm left alone in the corner. With nothing but myself. That's what the dance would be like. Sitting there with a cup of punch, dressed up, staring at the far wall, listening to slow music that I could be dancing to with someone. I need someone like Trent here. He'd go to the dance with me in a heartbeat. Life's not fair a lot of the time. I sorta told my mom about all of this. I didn't tell her the whole Bryan/Jules thing...but I told her that things were pretty bad. I just came home after ballet and started sobbing. I wish I could be stronger. I want to be strong and not look like a whimpering sobbing little baby. But that's what I am. Just that and nothing more. Maybe that's my problem.
3/20/98
haha! Well, Me, Jules, and Zoe went for a walk on..Thursday? Oh well..we walked to burger king and got fries, then went to Bryan's, then Ed's, and then to the school's playgroud(where I fell on my ass in a big puddle), and then back to Bryan's. I saw his room...it was...weird. I had pictured it differently. Anyways, that was fun...'cept I missed my dance practice. Oh well. I just noticed that Bryan isn't really that great. If there's nothing to talk about, then there's no conversation, and Jules agrees. haha. I always know how to pick 'em.
3/23/98 Wanna hear the things that bother me? Grrr...
Jules, Luna, Lola...and a bunch of other people are gone. Peer leadership stuff. Ohhhh well. So, I dyed my hair...what a catastrophe! It's okay now, tho. Bryan said it looked good. :o)
Anyways, there's not much to write about. I've just been pretty much bored with myself...although, my personality test begs to differ.
STUPID FIRE ALARM! It keeps going off!!!
My poor grandmother. She doesn't get out or anything. Last night, she said that it was taking her a while to get her strength back. I just wish I could give her some of my energy. Oh hell, I wish a lot of things. My whole life is based entirely upon wishes. It's pretty scary...I wish that I could fulfill every dream that I've ever imagined...I wish that my fate will not end up as my mothers...a state worker in denial that her life totally sucks...I wish that my brother and I will one day become close and actually talk about things that concern each other...I wish that my dad would pay attention to me...I wish grades weren't so shitty...I wish I could have a semi-normal life. Ugh. I had a surprisingly cool conversation with Trent. Mostly about sex...but not like...kinky crap like some of you are thinking. He asked if I would ever have sex with someone that I had no feelings for whatsoever...I said no. Anyways, the whole conversation was pretty interesting. He said it was one of the best talks that we've had in a long time. And then he said that "some lucky guy is gonna sweep you(meaning me) off your feet and I won't even have a chance". I said maybe, but that he'd always have a special place in my heart.
Another thing that chips my potato(Whoa what a subject change) is when people like...have to always put their friends in their profile. It's a profile, people. It's supposed to be about yourself. Like your friends are really gonna give two craps if they're name is written in text for the whole internet community to see. Oh well...I'm done complaining for today.
3/26/98
Oy, I just found out for sure that Bryan likes Jules. Now I'm definitely not going to the stupid social thing. What a waste of time he was. He pisses me off.
