5/8/98 here i am, drunken and high in my little booth. heh.
i just love it when teachers assign pointless homework. it's so amusing to watch them 'try' to explain it. i don't even feel like doing it...i could give two shits about the unification of germany or italy or anything in the 1800's. i wasn't there...so i don't give a damn. yeah i know...the history is the only reason why i'm even here...but does it really matter? i just can't wait till next year i wont' even have a stupid history class.
i was supposed to be doing something tonight, but i'm stuck at home doing computer stuff. actually...i'm not even in the mood to do anything. i think i'll just lounge around like a lazy ass...but i've been doing that for a while...gets sorta boring. i don't really want bryan finding out that i'm not busy tonight because, honestly, i don't want to do anything with anyone. i think i'll just try to find a good movie on hbo and make popcorn. they usually play good stuff on fridays for all the low-lives..heh..otherwise known as me.
"word on the streets" is that bryan really likes me...and that my not being able to go with him to the movies this weekend hurt him...but he didn't say a word to me..not a peep! i think i'm sorta ignoring him. i feel bad about it. he usually goes out of his way to walk with me to at least my locker...and then he's late to health...i think it's health...anyways...i just feel bad. i don't want to ignore him...it's wrong. but he's so forward lately. and i was planning on going to great adventure with lola this weekend...he said to andra that he hopes it rains on saturday so i can go to the movies with him. he even said it to me..in his own little way. that pissed me off. it was so self-centered of him!
ya know what i want in a guy? i want him to be nice...and funny and somewhat sensitive..i want a guy that will hold my hand anywhere..and in front of anyone...or would put his arm around me spontaneously. there has to be something attractive about him...because..we all lie..and say that 'looks don't matter' but after a while..you'll get bored...the looks are what turn us on to a person...they're the first thing we see...and then, we get to know them better. i want to be able to lean on his shoulder...and for him to alter the way he is sitting just so that he'll think he's trying to make his shoulder more comfortable..or something to that degree. i know it's stupid...but it's me.
there are probably reasons why i am confused of whether i like him or not...one of the main ones is that i dont' think he can be sincere about 'liking' me. maybe deep down i think that he still likes jules...and he'll never stop liking her. that makes me feel funny when i think that that could be the reason. maybe even deep down...i love him so much, that i don't want to screw things up totally....i like being friends with him, i don't know if i want to lose it, ya know?
it's so weird. at first when he was going out with this girl marie...all i thought was that they were gonna break up and bryan would be terribly hurt...and it turns out, that i'm the one that hurts him most.
