10/15/97 I've given up! I can't take it anymore. It's been like 2 weeks since I gave Ben that note and he hasn't even responded. What a jerk! You know, I know he has a girlfriend, but I wasn't expecting him to go out with me after I told him how I felt. All I wanted was at least a response and he's too rude and inconsiderate to do that! He's just not worth it I guess. I guess I'll have to find a new lust object, but who!?
I saw Cole today. He was at his locker...I didn't know I actually saw him till I asked Jules what color shirt he was wearing and what color backpack he had. Then I knew it WAS him. She said she actually talked to him. A lame conversation, but it's a step up from getting all shivery and shaky whenever he passes her and she gets a whiff of his cologne.
Ambrose was in the library this morning. Lola walked in a saw him and ran out immediately after. LOL! It's so funny cause he doesn't even know who I am, yet I was the one to break the news to him. Lola just ran up the stairs. Luna and Anna were like...."What!?". Anna didn't know that Ambrose knew that I told him that Lola liked him....that sentence was sooo confusing...oh well figure it out! Anyways, she wanted to know who told him and I was like "Me!".
Grr...It's like everytime I try to get over Ben, I see him in the halls. He looked at me when I passed him today...I just turned my head and walked the other way. What a jerk guys can be sometimes! Well, not all guys. Just some in particular. Harry's cool. He can like always make you laugh when you're down. Ben...Hmm...I thought he was really nice. I dunno...maybe I just scared him with that letter...or maybe he doesn't like me. I have no idea. There should be like a rule book or something...Hmm...damn good idea!
Hmm...it was an ugly day today! Rain! Ick! It's weird how if you think about it...our rain was once the rain that was pouring on the west coast a few days ago. I dunno...I guess when I'm all hyper and stuff I think about odd things.
Mr. Vogt, my french teacher...oh my god! It was so funny. He kept saying "Shit happens" and I asked how to say it in french and he said something, but I knew that it wasn't the real thing...Then I started singing "Voulez-vous couchette avec moi, ce soir?" and he just gave me this blank stare.
Hmm...yet another slow journal day. I hope it gets better. Oh yeah! Only like 2 months or so till Christmas! And Halloween is 15 days away! Woohoo! That reminds me I need a costume. Hmmm
10/16/97 Hey you frequent readers, you! Hmm...not much happened today. I saw Cole again today...I was about to ask him if he was Cole but I already knew that he was so I'd just be making a fool out of myself.
God! Mrs. Petrilla is such a pain! She PMS's 24/7 I swear to god! Me and Zoe have concluded that she is pissed because our class is really controlling her and not the other way around. So basically she's just miffed because she feels intimidated I guess. She changed everyone's seat! Jules' and Sammy and everyone! Sammy is across the room now! And Jules is 2 whole rows away. Oh well. We'll just have to pass notes through Doug.
Woohoo! Lola went to the library and didn't freak out in front of Ambrose! I'm so proud of her. heh. Lola also talked to Ben from what I read in her note to me. She said that he said that he was sorry that he didn't write back because he didn't have any time and because evertime he'd start writing, he'd crumple it up. I'm still pissed off at him though. ANYTHING would do! Just so I know what's going on. I mean if he hates me or if he likes me, or what! And I KNOW he has a girlfriend, but like I've said before...I didn't really expect him to dump his girlfriend over me, he's not that sort of guy. And if he did do that, I wouldn't even consider going out with him because he could turn and do the same thing on me for someone else.
Hmm...looking at other people journal pages, I noticed how much mine sucked. Maybe I should join some more webrings. Grr...I can't get into the FTP thingy to upload graphics...I hate it when the internet starts to screw up. It ticks me off.
I had dance last night. It was alright. In ballet, we're dancing to some really dramatic-like song. In tap class though, we're dancing to "Broadway Kids". It's cute, but it's just not my thing. I have to start my solo in 2 weeks...Grrrreat. I'm looking so forward to it....suuuuuuure. I screwed up in my solo last year. I forgot like 10 seconds worth of steps, which in tap is a lot, so I just filled it in with anything...luckily it was a solo and no one noticed.
Ok, I dunno what's going on. I've been surprisingly enough, doing GOOD in Geometry. This is coming from a person who was struggling to get a B in Algebra. I got an A on a test today, and so far I have 3 A's and 2 B's. Hmm...It's just weird is all. And I'm tied in rank(37) with this kid Bryan. It's so weird cause he asked me what my rank was and I said 37 then he was like...you can't be! And I told him I was...we have the exact same GPA and rank...weird weird weird.
I think I'm gonna forget about this page and go to sleep now. Tired am I.
10/17/97 Hmm....today was pretty crappy. I told Lola to tell Ben that if he didn't care about even writing me or having the consideration to do so, that I didn't care either. I wish I could take back giving or much less writing that damn note. It's caused so much pain than good. I still like Ben after him being a jerk and all...I don't think I could ever not like him. But it's just that I like him now. And I dunno if I'll like him the same later. It's just the fact that he didn't even care when Lola told him that I had given up and basically hated him...all he could say was that he was busy! That pisses me off so much....too much. I saw puffy hair girl today. She was wearing Ben's jersey. Grr.... It just makes me mad that how some people can take a simple relationship for granted. I mean I know people that don't deserve to have someone else! And it makes me mad that they do it just for the fact to have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
I have hardly EVER had a boyfriend...YES...I am admitting to this. I'm not embarassed...just that most of the guys I know are jerks and are too immature. I've even tried the online guy thing...the guy I met was really sweet and all, but distance sucks. And I'm not gonna fool myself into believing something that could never be.
Well, Petrilla changed our seats in History, so now Jules is like too many seats away to pass notes without her noticing or me getting someone else in trouble.
I had to stay after school for a soccer game. I was walking out onto the field when I saw the football team(ie. Ben and everyone else) gathered near one of the portable classrooms. I walked by trying to act as nonchalant as possible. I guess it worked cause he didn't even stop me or anything. He was looking at me though.
One of the seniors on Varsity didn't play so she was gonna take stats if I wanted to go take stats for the JV team...which I like a lot better, because one it's easier...two...most of my friends are on JV. The game for Varsity was good, but for JV..we played the worst..EVER! We lost 3-zip. The team was so unmotivated and lethargic! When the ball went up in the air they just watched it fall and bounce. God...if I were in the game...nevermind...I quit, remember?
I did a spell that Jules taught me. If you wish for good things, they won't come back times 3 as opposed to bad things. I wished for Ben to take me seriously about how I feel about him. I also wished for him to consider "us"(me and him). I hope they work...but with my luck...probably not.
