5/13/98 christ. i must be doing something seriously wrong for my life to cause so much emotion. this day has been such shit. i feel i could leave this world and hate everyone and everything that exists. i feel i could kill anyone that has ever given a shit about me without having any remorse. i just want it all to end, ya know? i'm so tired of the crying when i get home from dance, and the fights and the screaming, and the constant criticism. i'm so tired..and i'm so 'up to here' with giving all the effort in this goddamned family. like i've mentioned before, my father could give two shits about me, my mother is a stress-case, my grandmother is somewhat disabled (mentally too, she doesn't remember much anymore), and my brother...he's just a big bomb of anger waiting to explode...on me. he asked me last night if he could TRADE stereos with me...i said no, because it's my stereo and i bought it...and in the past he has been known to break things out of pure anger...he got all pissy. so tonight, i give in and say that he can have my stereo...and that i'd kill him if he broke it in any way. he got all pissy at me and shot back "you break things too!". i said yeah, but that he should look at the list of expensive shit that he has thrown around and broken (ie. nintendo controllers, nintendo machines, n64 controllers, TVs, he once even kicked a wooden trunk in). he's really nice sometimes, but he's a real asshole most of the time. i really just want to smack him so hard...but i know that if i did that, it'd not only be wrong, but he'd hit me back three times as hard...and with many more punches. he's not quite for the moral "you should never hit a woman" even if it is your annoying sister...he just has no respect for me. i know that now, and i'm never giving in to him again.
on to other things...i had ballet tonight and all the teacher could do was be the critic with everything i did. "your arms are too bent" "spot front, spot front!" "are you ever gonna panamime?" "stop looking at your feet" "you do much better when you're going the other way"
shove it up your snatch, you ass! i'm so tired, of her constant and merciless nagging. she reminds me of my mother and my brother teamed together times 3. one person can only take so much criticism, and i can take no more. i'm quitting dance. i hate it and everything that it stands for. prim ballerinas with their long necks and thin hardly-there legs...makes me ill to my stomach just to type about it. their little waists surrounded by their tiny tutus...their hair back in a perfect bun...their snobbish look on their faces...pointed toes all the time...and never a dull moment where they actually think that they are anything less than perfect. makes me goddamned sick. i'm so bitter right now...if you took a bite of me, you'd spit it out and say "boy is this thing bitter!". i am just so fed up with the crap that i have to go through. no one person should be put through this. i just wish my brother would go back to college, dad would get a divorce from mom, i'd be an orphan, and bryan would stop liking me. i'm not worthy of anyone right now...no one at all. i have nappy hair, short legs, chubby fingers, a screwed up nose, dry skin, horrible eyes, a low self-esteem...everything that i used to like in myself, i hate. i wish i were blind sometimes. helluva lot easier than having to look at this horrible, grotesque face.
