5/16/98
"you are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie" oh sarah..you are my drug. today has been the first day that i've been somewhat generally happy. i got a message on icq about jules and her almost buying me a hello kitty thingy for 2 bucks...made me feel good. don't ask. going to the movies tonight with bryan. don't know what to do...but i'll just act normal...but everytime i go out with him, i act all nervous and jumpy and just make him feel like an idiot. oy. it's fuckin 90 degress..probably higher. and i'm in flannel pajama pants and a sweatshirt. i have to get a shower pretty soon...ugh.
ever notice how on a day that nothing is supposed to happen...everything substantial happens? like today..i was supposed to be vegging. my mom gives me this huge talk about chris. she wanted to know if this new girl dana is his girlfriend. i think she should just butt out. i wouldnt' want her into my business....ew.. that brings up another thing. she's gonna give me the whole interrogation tongiht. "who's this boy? is he your boyfriend?" what am i supposed to say? he's not my boyfriend. he's just my good friend. that's all..no more no less.
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later
okay..the big hit is the dumbest movie in the entire universe. it's about some hitman that is incredibly nice and hates it when he knows someone dislikes him.
minus the movie..i had a really nice time tonight. bryan was so nice. and he smelled good...and he wore cargo shorts. the perfect guy. everyone in unison..."Aaaawwww!". and during the last half hour of the movie, he bumped my arm off the rest...so i bumped him back. then i flicked his shoulder and leaned on him. that's like the farthest i've ever gotten with him. and right now, that's about as far as i wanna go. maybe hold his hand....but i dunno if i want to fuck with his mind. i just got all warm and fuzzy when i was with him. and since the movie has been out for pretty long, the theatre wasn't that crowded. and even tho i had to strain my neck to lean on his shoulder..and even tho it must have looked funny, i didn't want to move my head from his shoulder. it was sorta funny. the entire movie, he kept edging his shoulder towards my head...so during the climax of the movie(as if there were one...but for the sake of the movie let's play pretend), i just went for it and leaned on him. haha it's so lame that i'm even talking about this. so sorry to bore you.
i even had a somewhat heartfelt conversation with my mom. she was sorta depressed because of all the crap happening. and i felt bad so i gave her a hug and kissed her on the forehead and got my shower real quick and helped her with her work. man, what a run on sentence. we talked about all life stuff...mostly about chris..and his sexual activity, drinking, smoking, and the possibility that he might get into drugs if he isn't already. i have no idea what to think anymore. i just wish that chris and i could be more close. he tells me a lot more than what he tells mom. but the thing that freaks me out is that chris doesn't know that i know about more things than he has told me about. uh...confusion there. i read that letter that his ex sent him...and i wasn't supposed to. and i just don't want him not trusting me. we also talked about my dad, and how i used to be such a daddy's girl, and now i act like i don't have a father. my mom said that once i hit a certain age, he didn't know what to do with me...so i take it that once i started growing boobs, he got confused whether to treat me like a daughter or like a stranger. he's not dead and buried yet...and i don't wish that upon him at any time, i just wish that he'd show some emotion towards me. he's very quiet. and when he's in a goofy mood, he'll talk, but any other time, he has no social life whatsoever. it makes me feel depressed. man, i'm like holden caulfield here...everything makes me depressed. anyways, we even talked about guys..and me and ryan. i told her that a lot of people think that we should just 'go out' but i don't want to label it. which is totally true. just killed a bug on my screen. grrr.. stupid things. mmm...bryan smelled so good. anyways, my fingers are hurting. i'll write more in a few days.
