(11:39pm EST) 6/23/98
i am a horrible awful deceitful person. i hate myself completely. i wish i never got involved with anyone.
ok, harriet(tom's mom) picked us(me, bryan, and andra) up at andra's house at about 6:45pm. bryan smelled good as always. we get to the carnival and after arranging a ride home, we finally get outta the car. we cross the street in the crosswalk like good little teenagers. for about an hour, we walked around the game booths, the food tables, and the rides. we finally got up the angst to buy tickets...which i paid for...andra and tom owe me, AHEM! after walking around the rides once more and incessant minutes of nagging andra to go on a ride, i gave up and dragged bryan on the gravitron. ya know...the spaceship thingy that goes around and around and around. we got off..and i was feeling sorta light-headed. keep in mind that i haven't slept in 37 hours. oh wait.....38. andra finally decided to go on some weird ass ride that spun around and around..i crushed bryan cause the force pushed me outwards...and since he was sitting on the outside...he was like the enemy of gravity. i got off of that and was way light-headed. i felt all icky and stuff. it was cute...right when i was wasting away in my pain...it sorta cheered me up to see tom put his arm around andra..it was so cute. i decided i wanted a drink...so we walked(slowly) to a "cold drinks booth". i asked the guy for a small coke...he said we don't have coke...but he has nice little red and white coke cups. what the hell!? i went to another booth and realized i needed food tickets. after about 10 minutes of boring standing...i decided to lead our little group over to a curb and park it(our asses that is). we sat there for a good half hour or so...then we got up and went for ice cream. the only good part of the night...almost. cookie dough..mmm. then i heard some loud bangs...and i listened harder and it was the fireworks...SHIT! we had missed the beginning. oh well...we hurried with our ice cream over to the parking lot...we were all following bryan...he was leading us to a playground...but we stopped in the parking lot and watched....they were sorta late...the firewords that is. after that, we walked back across the street to the phone...bryan called his mom and told her that she din't need to pick us up. i sat on a window ledge with bryan. andra and tom walked away to some secluded place. bryan and i tried to find a bench. we did...and we sat. after about a half hour, he grabbed my hand and then asked if he was allowed to. it was nice...and then i just leaned on his shoulder. i fell asleep a few times here and there. soon enough, the headlights and the annoying ass people walking by pissed me off, so i grabbed bryan, put my arm around him, he put is arm around me, and we walked to a nicely lit doorway. we sat down...held hands again...and he eventually got his arm around me. started playing with my hair. ok...so problem you say??
the whole time this was happening...i kept thinking to myself..."i feel wrong about this. what am i doing?". i have no idea what the hell i'm doing. i'm so lost in our 'relationship'. even tho we're not 'going out' i feel horrible. i want to cry so hard..in fact, i am crying. i'm so confused. i'm not ready for all this confusion. jeez. deep down i think that i do care for him, but i don't want to see him with anyone else. selfish, no? i know it is...and i know it's wrong. and i have no idea why bryan would like a person like me. he hardly knows me for one..and if he did get to know me, he'd hate me. did that make sense? i am just so baffled right now. i like holding his hand...but i'm scared to get close. maybe i'm not attracted to him anymore...it must be something. oh god, help me.
