(12:33pm EST) 6/27/98
i am so unmotivated to update this pain in the ass of a so-called 'journal'. how many people actually read this anyway? probably not many. isaac is still my hero in a sense. i love his journal. even tho it's full of profanity....haha...but profanity is fine with me. if you are avid reader of my journal, then you know.
anyways, i know my last entry was pretty fucked....(sorry for that). sometimes i get really down...and since i really had no one to talk to(until lola), i had to get my emotions out somehow.
on a more recent note...i had my dance rehearsal two days ago. it went alright. my solo was okay too....even tho i was in front of about 50 people(which is a lot for a rehearsal). i did alright. we had to do the opening number twice...i thought it looked better the first time. i had to do lola's hair. haha...but it looked pretty decent.
hmm..what else...smashing pumpkins..i LOVE the new album. all of the songs rock.
man, i'm just spitting out random things here.
okay..fine. i'll talk about bryan. i haven't talked to him for a while. if you count last night, that is. i think he's mad at me for ignoring him. but whenever i go for a few days without talking to him, he gets all pouty like a little puppy. it's just not cute. it's annoying as hell. i just want to smack the pout outta that boy. i don't think he and i were meant to be a 'thing'. i'm having too much doubt. and usually when you feel for someone in that sense...there should be no doubt at first. and there was for me. it started as a crush, worked to a friendship, dwindled to nothing, and then came back as a shocking situation. that's my analysis. i just wish that i didn't play with his head so much. it's just that the tuesday carnival sorta...woke me up. i was in a daze. i was so enraptured by the idea that someone had the faintest of feelings for me, that i got so excited...and ended up ignoring the fact that...i really don't feel for him the same as he does for me. i just wish i had a rewind button. i just want to go back to 9th grade....and ignore him from the start. well, maybe not ignore...just not be so strong towards him. i was physically attracted to him at first. that doesn't matter now. i know him now...and i don't like getting so close to someone. i like affection...don't get me wrong. it's just that when i feel wrong about it...after we're done cuddling, and what-not, i feel guilty...or just confused. i felt i had did something wrong after tuesday night. i just felt....wrong.
