(10:21pm EST) 7/19/98
well, let's see if anything remotely interesting has been going on in my life.
well, shit. nope..just my life falling apart.
my parents are fighting, my mom is crying, i'm crying, my grandmother is downstairs listening to the drone of her 'music', i'm typing on this stupid keyboard, my father is watching tv and listening to my mom....my brother is out having a life.
for once in my life, i realize that my life doesn't suck... my life doesn't exist. i have none. i have friends...but not really any 'close, close, close' ones that i can call at like 4am and talk to about how upset i am about something, or they can call me...
i miss that...i miss that way too much. i want to have a 'best friend' again. my old best friend went to another school and completely changed. my life has drastically changed since 8th grade. i was a real nerd/dork...and i still am...but i'd like to think that i've improved. probably haven't tho.
i'll admit it, i miss him. i miss bryan. i wish he'd talk to me. but i fucked things up...i screwed with his mind...i'm a horrible person. i can't go back on that. i knew that ignoring him was wrong and i kept doing it. i'm just a horrible person, is all.
he said he tried to understand...and i talked to him today..he said he was confused himself. maybe he'll know how it feels now. it's not easy to decide if you want to risk a friendship and go for something more...but it seems as if i have risked both..and lost both. it's so sad...i feel so lonely...and ugly, and dumb, and inconsiderate, and hypocritical...i want to smash my head into a mirror.
anyway, back to the best friend stuff. it's like right now...if i had my really close friend back...i'd be talking to her on the phone right now, she'd be cheering me up...she'd tell me it was okay..and offer to come over and we could bash guys together..i did that with lola and andra on friday night...but i dunno. i think i'm just going insane.
i wrote another poem about my present situation. maybe i'll put it up here later.
i just.....miss my life. if i ever had one..it's not here now. i just feel so alone...
ever get so upset you start wondering what it'd be like if you were gone tomorrow?
i keep imagining the headlines in the newspaper. "Teen girl downs a bottle of pills" that's the way i'd do it, if i ever felt that i could take no more...which has come across a few times..but i think i'm a wimp..too wimpy to take my life. i always think about what my funeral would be like...my body just lying there and being stared at and cried over...and i'm still between dead and alive...i can watch my family crying...and then there's this other vision i have when i get depressed. i'm dead in my casket..and my father just comes up to me and closes the casket's lid. and he turns to my brother and asks if he wants to go golfing with him..and saying something like "we can still get in 9 holes".
i think of my grandfather a lot. even tho he's dead... ::sighs::
i really do miss him. i only knew this great man for 8 years. when he left, the house seemed so cold...but i don't notice that anymore. i just wonder what it'd be like if he came back, and saw me all grown up. i wonder if he would hate me for putting my family through such hell. i wonder if he'd remember me. i wonder if he'd still love me the way he did. my love life is gonna be so fucked up....no decent male role model...nothing to look for. just nothing.
