(3:23pm EST) 9/10/98
wow.. i hate school so much. i changed business administration to psychology/creative writing.. my seat in psyche sucks.. i'm all the way in the fucking front. it's not fair..
i'm in such a depressed mood.. and andra says i shouldn't write about how depressed i am.. but then i'd be hiding what is really happening.. and i believe that you're supposed to be truthful when writing how you feel in journals.. i mean, i can't always be bright and cheery during an entry.. it'd be so unreal and boring. the bad things happen so that the good ones really stand out.
bryan really makes me mad/upset/depressed/cry. i mean, no less than like.. 2 months ago, he said he liked me.. and he thought i was funny and beautiful.. although he never said that stuff directly to my face.. so it could have all been a big lie..
i really liked him. at least i'm pretty sure i did.. i mean, i do have this thing where guys are more attractive to me if they're attached. i have problems. :( the whole time i didn't talk to him.. i always found myself daydreaming of doing things with him. holding his hand.. just being with him. now, my day dreams are hellish. he is now going with some freshman.. and i don't understand it.. he moves so quickly.. he didn't even give "us" a chance. i send emails and stuff.. and in one of them i asked who his girlfriend was and that i had found out that he was robbing the cradle. i said that she was lucky.. and i even admitted that i was jealous.. i admitted it. god.. i never tell anyone how i feel.. the thing that got me was that i told him i was jealous.. and i didn't feel different around him.. like i didn't start to totally avoid him the day after. so, i talked to him last night on an instant message.. he asked why i was so sad.. and then i said that "i was dying of a unknown terminal disease". i always joke around when i'm trying to avoid a subject. then he said that "i have a good idea why".. i asked "why what?" he said "why you're sad".. so i'm pretty sure he knows why i've been so depressed....because i still like you, ya moron. :( i feel so empty inside.. like bryan took a shovel.. and dug out everything in me.. and scattered it all over the floor. i feel as if i'm an empty shell. he's in 3 of my classes.. and i can't even look at him. i see them walking together.. and i just dont' know what to do. why is it that.. i've had more problems with bryan than i have with anyone else.. ever in my life. i guess that means that he's important.. or maybe he's not worth it.. it could go either way. my seesaw of a life. what shit.
jules and i have started talking again.. it's sorta cool because we can always talk about anything.. there are no awkward silences on the phone or anything. anyways.. i wrote her a note saying how upset i was.. and she wrote back saying stuff that she thinks ryan has a low self esteem and he feels he needs someone at all times.. and that by having all these girlfriends.. he'll get more friends. which i think is somewhat true.. i had to think about it for a few minutes though.
