(10:36pm EST) 9/29/98 i got the eve 6 cd. it's very good. i recommend it. very interesting lyrics. of course, they sound like every other band i've heard.. but at least they have talent. that's more than what i can say for a few local bands we have here.. ahem!!
well.. i haven't written for a week. i guess my mind has been elsewhere. ever find yourself just sitting really still.. and you're thinking.. but you're not even aware that you're thinking. i mean.. i'm not going to say that i found myself thinking about garrett one day...i mean, yeah. i do think about garrett. but not today. i mean.. i picked a dog hair off of this sleeve of his shirt. he smiled and said thanks.. but then i realized.. i'm like a free lint brush to him. what's the point. garrett and i will never be. it's not destined i guess. i mean, yeah. he's nice.. he's good looking with incredible eyes.. me on the other hand.. i'm nothing. i am the blue eyed mediocre girl that sits next to him...occasionally annoying him. it's just not gonna happen. at least with bryan.. he actually was interested in me. of course, i wasn't interested in him.. but maybe i should have just settled for him. ::sigh:: i have no idea what to think. in fact.. i think i think too much about how i don't have any idea what to think. okay.. i know that made sense.. it took me long enough to type it.. it should make sense.. please let it make sense.
i just wish that i could be myself all the time. i find myself holding back a lot. i always think about what other people will think about me.. how they will judge me. and then other times, my anger takes over and i explode on people... and then i find myself regretting everything i've said. it's just so hard to live in certain situations. to feel that you really might be able to care for or love someone.. and not being able to share the feeling with that person. it's like someone is ripping your heart out...stepping on it.. and kicking it down the street like a can. it's a horrible feeling.. a feeling that i wouldn't wish upon anyone, though i know that almost everyone has felt it. and if you haven't.. you have been lucky so far.
i have no idea why i'm even saying this. i mean, it's not like many people come here on a regular basis.. i get a few new visitors..they look at this entry and think.. something.. like "that ajay is one depressed girl" something lame like that. but really, i'm not. i mean, yeah. i'm depressed 92% of the time.. but that other 8% is filled with normal teenage stuff.
is it abnormal to think about your funeral? because i think about mine the whole time.. i've written a lot about my suicidal death. and when i write post-entries about it.. it's like i think that i'm so lame.. that i don't deserve to write at all. i'm not even worth this free space.. although.. it is filled with pop up ads..i can't help that.. damned geocities. anyway.. i'm not terrified of death.. i welcome it during the really bad moments. but then there are days when i'm so happy to be alive. and then there are days like today...
days when i sit back and look at all i've done. all the things that i have done to people.. all the things i've done to strangers... my family.. friends. myself. i can't help being myself.. it's just that to be myself.. i have to break my habit of trying to please everyone. i do believe that i am truly a good person.. and that i do deserve to be happy. maybe even happiness that would last more than a week.. even a month maybe. but i've rarely been happy for that long.. and it's something that happened today that made me think about myself long and hard. i've been snubbed before.. but it's like.. when i am snubbed by people.. someone comes by and makes it somewhat good again.
garrett totally ignored me today.. which i didn't mind.. i mean, it's not like we're going out.. or even friends for that matter. we just talk sometimes. i'm lucky to have that. but this girl, jenn(my lab partner from last year.. the cheerleader bitch.. yes.. her) was really flirting with garrett. and it just hurt to see it. i know.. i know.. ajay.. you're a moron for thinking that anything could come out of liking such an opposite of you...it's like when you take a photo graph in a pinhole camera... you get a negative image.. me.. and then you press them together to get your positive.. but they're still a totally different picture.. taken with the same camera. god.. i'm resorting to a photography lesson to make an analogy for my journal. how stupid is this. i'm sorry.
i'm sorry to be moany. i don't like being this way. it's so hypocritical of me. i'm always telling andra to stop being down on herself.. yet, here i am, being way down on myself. i just can't help this. i like garrett. i liked bryan.. i liked bryan for 2 years. most of my friends i've known for two years. things happen.. they upset me.. but i can't just suck it up and get on with it.
one day during an assembly.. lola said something to the extent of "if bryan hurts [insert bryan's ankle biter girlfriend's name here] i'm going to kick his ass because she's my friend." that really hurt.. because when i thought about it.. bryan hurt me.. yet she didn't care.. but when she meets a freshman that happens to be on drill team.. she automatically takes to them. i never talked to lola about this.. if she reads then she finds out.. but if she does.. maybe it's for the better. i have a hard time voicing my opinions. i have a hard time with everything. why can't life be easy? why can't our lives be mapped out for us.. and why can't i have the one advantage of having garrett want me? it's just that i have had a lot of disappointment when it has come to relationships. in fact.. bryan was the first guy that i have ever held hands with.. and technically he was the first guy that i had slow danced with...but i danced with an old guy friend from when i was really young at a wedding once.. but still. i don't know wha to say to anyone when they ask me how i am. or if i'm okay. am i okay? is it this normal to be this confused? i just wish that we were set who to marry at birth.. though.. i know i would have to hate it if that actually was still going on. it's just that i'm scared to give my feelings to anyone.. it happened with ben.. it happened with bryan... it just hurts that bryan could treat me like that. i meant nothing to him... and the fact that i can say that without bursting into tears.. it's just odd. i thought bryan was a good one. i thought he'd be nice.. and treat me right.. not just dump me after not talking to me for a few days. i needed to decide if the friendship was worth risking.. and he didn't even bother to try to understand. he didn't want to understand. he wanted it his way.. the only way. maybe i'm lucky to be rid of him. i guess i'm alone in this world.. every man for themselves.
