well, i usually don't write this often.. i mean, i just wrote 3 days ago.. oh well.. i have a lot of emotion to work out with my keyboard.
i took all of my pictures down from my tackboard thing... all of the ones with bryan, at least.
why am i so retarded?
why do i get my hopes all up for them to just get shot down?
i'm trying to get over him. i told him to not bother picking me up for school.. or taking me home. i ca't take being a foot away from him and not being able to hold his hand or brush the hair from his eyes... simple things that normal people take for granted. i love him, but i love him so much that i feel as if i've carelessly handed my soul over to him. i feel as if, he controls me. i mean, if he's in a good mood, i'm in a decent mood, but if he's in a bad mood.. our moods coincide...
now i'm just empty as ever. like i'm not even here.. my body's there.. but my head... it's off thinking about how to get rid of all my pain. what a shitty life. my life better get better, it has nowhere else to go.
an example of my optimism: my life really sucks now, so it must just slightly suck in the future.
i'm progressing.
bryan and i have grown apart... i don't feel as if i've changed... but he has taken a drastic change. i don't recognize him sometimes. he just ditches his friends for her. and it's ridiculous. yeah, maybe i'm jealous.. but i'm trying to get over it. it just irks me that he likes to hang out more with his little clique of freshman girls.. his harem.. more than he does with people he actually has a past with. people he can get nostalgic with. when all the little freshman girls get nostalgic, he's left out. that should freaking give him a sign that SOMETHING is wrong.
he makes me sick. he just lets people walk all over him. he can't stand up for himself. only against me. which tells me something. it tells me that maybe this love is just all some big mirage... maybe i just want to love someone.. and bryan just happened to be the lucky guy. he happened to be there when i was in my fit of insanity. i'm fighting it tho. i'm trying hard. i try to not talk to him.. or look at him...although i caught myself slipping today during french, algebra, and lunch. it's so hard when he's in like.. 1/3 of your classes. ::sigh::
as if i haven't said this enough.. i don't know what to do. i do feel strongly for him.. but he doesn't return my feelings.. and if i stick around and harbor this love anymore.. i'm just going to get hurt in the end, right? i dunno..
look at this! i'm having conversations with myself... in text, no less.
i'm so tired of getting hurt. so tired of everything.
i just cried myself to sleep last night... woke up at 2am and got a shower... got ready for school at 3 am... just stared out my window the rest of the time 'til 7:30.
i feel... lonely...and the lonliness never goes away... chronic lonliness??
i'm beginning to think that i have issues or problems... this isn't normal. or is it normal to believe that i'm not normal? ::sigh::
