since i haven't written in forever...i'll quote my actual journal entries... ya know.. the ones i actually write down.
this is all the way back from the night of january 31st.
i talked to him tonight. he asked me why i was still "tied up about this?", meaning why do i obsess over him, i guess. i can't help how i feel. he said that he thought we were good freinds. so that's it, i'm left with good friends. i'm gonna go to sleep and cry now, g'nite.
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nothing major happened. i've realized that we're good friends, maybe more, but later. i'll hold my attraction to him in the back of my heart and move on for now. it's all i cal do. on a lighter note, i'm getting all a's in grades except for algebra II...grr.. i'm pissed.
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life is one big ball of shit!!! not only do i not have bryan and no date to the prom, but my mom is a huge asshole! i'm beginning to think that my life has no purpose whatsoever. she just came in to apologize. i told her i didn't want it, or anything from her. she said "whatever." and stormed out. without bryan, life seems hopeless. i don't have anyone to love.
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today was pretty decent. bryan came to sit with me during lunch. we just made small talk. after algebra II, i was going through his backpack...my bracelet got stuck as he turned around. he ended up pulling me really close...i liked it. i'm talking to him on icq now. i got a B in English...i'm so mad.. oh well, fuck it. bryan and i talk now.. it's amazing...
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bryan sat with me at lunch again. my mom said that was nice. she always says that. he came into work tonight too. he had to buy his girlfriend a card for valentines day. i'd like to think that he came in tonight to see me. he could have went tomorrow night. i ignored him for a few minutes. it's weird, i was thinking all day about how he would come in, but i wasn't sure. i came out from the back, and "BAM!" there he was. i freaked and ran to the register. such mixed signals he gives.
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he sat with me again today. mom said it was nice. he was having a bad day. i just tried to cheer him up. i honestly think that of all his girlfriends, i had the best personality and potential for a good relationship. it's just that i screwed up things. bryan's such a flirt, tho. in the car on the way home.. i dunno. i was walking to his car after school and i heard keys jingling behind me. i felt it washim... then he ran up to me and bumped into me. he always does that. i almost fell. he gave me the fifty cents to he owed me from buying something for lunch. i put the quarters in my eyes and he said to remind him not to touch the quarters. i rubbed one on his hand.. he rubbed his hand on my arm. we just dont' act friendly...we act flirty, but i'll take what i can get.
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okay, so that was my journal for the past few days.everthing's about bryan... sheesh. just to think that he's probably out with her right now is killing me. i keep flashing back to the carnival...we were just sitting on the bench.. and he kissed my forehead... ::sigh:: i don't know why i thought things were so "wrong" they couldn't have been more perfect.
