to start things out.... my friend emily told me that she talked to bryan today at play practice.(he's on the crew). so anyways, she asked him how i was. he was like "who?" and she said "ajay! how is she?". he was like "oh.. yeah.. she's good." so then she was like, "didn't you guys go out last year?" and he as like "yeah.. sorta." and then he said "i like her".. and then trying to convince himself he said "no i don't like her i don't like her, we're only friends." that's how emily told me the story... it's just weird. this is bringing up even more emotion out of me. i hate that... but i love him.....
anways.......
people expect so much out of life. i know that i, myself expect many things from many people. and expectations can get someone such as myself in trouble. i expect bryan to come to his senses... but each day that i expect that... i have to accept the fact that he might not. and i'm still upset over that. i just want closure i guess. i want the suspense of it all to end.. to die. to roll over and stop itching away at me. i'm SO tired of waiting around. i love this boy... this BOY. this little person that has no idea what he really wants. i mean, maybe i have no idea what i want either... but at least i can admit it. he goes on living as if everything is peachy keen. and maybe for him... 3 years ago.. what he's got now is fine for that... but he's getting older... and maybe more mature... and hopefully, he knows that.
sometimes i wish that he would just walk in on a conversation i was having with andra.. or someone... and i would be confessing my true and deep love for him.. and he would just realize that he loves me the same. or that somehow, he reads one of my entries talking about how much i love him...or an email... or a note. ugh.. anything. it's just that i wish he found out by accident that i've loved him so strongly for so long. i don't have the guts yet to tell him. it took me forever to tell him that i still liked him.. and probably always would. and i probably always will. i'll be 40 with two kids and no husband.. still dreaming of the kid with brown eyes who always wears ski sweaters and khakis. the one who can always make me smile. the only one with that power. i don't smile.. but he has this ... spell on me. my lips curl to my ears when he's around...and it's just the oddest thing.
god.. it's 3am... and i'm on the fucking computer describing how much i love this one person. can someone love another person too much? is that possible? to smother someone(in an emotional sense)? honestly... i believe that what i've got is the love bug. why can't he share my adoring disease!? why can't he wake up... and realize that he's supposed to be with me!?
a half hour ago, i was laying in my bed... listening to the sundays cd on my headphones... and just thinking about the things that i might have with him in the future. just being with him. feeling the closeness with him that i briefly experienced last year. i see pictures in my mind. him and me sitting outside his house.. him leaning against the wall.. me sitting next to him, with my legs casually thrown over his lap...and i just stare at him... and i touch his face.. and run my fingers through his hair... and i gaze at his lips... and i'm like in a trance..
it's just that after loving someone for 3 years(ever since i've known him), i've concluded that me loving him this long has got to mean something... otherwise, i've wasted a substantial part of my teenage life.. the "best years of my life", they say.
they'd be the best years of my life, if bryan was in them.
he was for 2 months out 36.
just to think that at this time last year... he liked me... and things were just starting.
last year he went to the social with jules...this year he's going with his girlfriend...
maybe after this dance, he will realize that i'm the one.
or i could be totally wrong in all of this. i could be totally wasting all of my time.. and emotion on this one boy who doesn't even deserve half of it....not even a fourth of it.
but when i say stuff like that... i automatically deny saying it. i didn't say that... and even if i did say it, i wasn't even close to meaning it... not at all. i have had extreme dislike for certain parts of bryan at times... but that never tarnished my love for him... ::sigh::
