Rules and Structure
i have been thinking a lot about rules and schedules today. last night, Someone (a vanilla friend online that knows about my D/s tendencies and has been trying to "convert" me to vanilla) mentioned to me that He thought it was ridiculous that anyone would let a Dom/me dictate chores, rules, etc to them. apparently He had been sitting in the mainhall moat, watching a sub get punished by her Master for not following the rules He had set for her, and this had angered my friend, who didn't think it was fair.
i had a hard time explaining to Him (my friend) that if the rules had been unfair, or something the sub hadn't wanted to agree to, she wouldn't have agreed to follow them in the first place. the person in question was a sub, not a slave, so she would have been able to voice an objection. if she agreed to it and then disobeyed, yes, of course she should be punished, and it was her Dom's right and responsibility to do so.
my friend had a hard time understanding this.
in order to try and help Him understand a little bit better, i tried to use myself as an example. i explained to Him that i am terrible about managing time, tasks, etc on my own. oh, i am a wonderful list maker and schedule maker, but unless Someone else is enforcing the things i should be doing i often don't get them done. when it is my Master who gives me rules, then i will follow them, knowing they will be enforced if i do not, knowing i will be punished if they are not.
my friend still did not understand. He asked me why i should let Him order me about, saying that just because someone doesn't take out the trash doesn't mean they should be punished.
taking a deep breath, i tried explaining further. the punishment isn't the point, and most subs and slaves do not want to be punished, it is true. i certainly hate it more than about anything else. still, it is necessary. without the punishment there, if i disobeyed, would i obey? hmmmm... i don't know. i certainly do want to please my Master, but i don't follow the schedules i make for myself when there is no consequence to my not following them.
okay, my friend relented, forget the punishment, why should the Master get to dictate what you should do?
this was a much easier question to answer. i love and hate rules and schedules, but more than anything else, i need them. they make me feel loved and secure. when there are rules about my behaviour, it tells me that my Master cares about how i act and what i do with myself. when there are no rules, no schedules, no expectations, and no consequences for bad behaviour, i admit that i feel lost, and consequently have been known to act out in rather inappropriate ways. i don't act out because i want to be displeasing, or because i am inherently "bad" but because i am searching for a border.
without borders or boundaries, without knowing how i am supposed to act or what i am supposed to do i feel desperately insecure. even a small task that is asked of me confirms to me my worth to my Master as a slave, as a woman, as a person. it shows me that He needs me, that He values my work, my thoughts, my actions. Rules about behaviour show me that He cares about who i am and how i act. He cares how others perceive me.
rules, schedules and duties make me feel loved. they make me feel secure. and yes, i do need them.
my friend was still skeptical. He asked me if i didn't feel controlled by such things.
i laughed and said yes... and that is the whole point!
perhaps vanilla people will never understand what it means to live within a power exchange, or how fulfilling it can be to both parties. the Master/Mistress is not usually a complete dictator, as my friend thought. They do not order Their slave or sub about just because They can, but because it is also something the slave/sub needs for themselves.
i have been uncollared, unowned, for a while now, and one of the things i crave more than anything else is structure. i grasp desperately at each little bit of it that comes from my Master, so indescribably grateful. i have no idea if He even knows this. it means so much to me that i have been almost afraid to tell Him, afraid He might think me silly to attach so much meaning to something relatively small. still and all, i know there is no way for Him to know unless i ~do~ tell Him that it is so very important and meaningful to me.
and i suppose, at that, i finally have. til next we meet be well and happy --di.